Got in an argument/fight with my mom earlier cause i said I wanted to die and such which was a stupid mistake on my part I admit but then she said 'What about me and Matt (my brother/ half-brother really), Don't you care or know what that would do to us.' I said a lot I don't remember cause I couldn't control myself and yelled at her 'What about y'all???'
She knows I'm been depressed lately, suicidal and in pain for years and she still says shit like that. Then I told her how tired I am of dealing with everything and about how much I'm depressed, in pain with backpain, how I'm basically a 26 disabled man-child who's bedridden and who's a nobody with no friends and relationships, how I don't enjoy a fucking thing which makes up for all this bullshit, all the new problems like tinnitus and eye problems, numerous of other things and more I don't remember. I told her I cared about only her enough to try to stay alive and hold on but nobody else but even then her love isn't stopping me from wanting to die. It's like she would rather see me suffer like this than led die and be at peace. I told her I'm trying my best but it isn't good enough and nothing is helping or worth living for and my supposed 'family's love' sure as shit doesn't help with anything or is enough to help.
Living for others is shallow as fuck. I told her I'll keep trying but sooner or later whether she's dead or not I cannot live like this much longer for an untold amount of time possibly years or even worse decades. I sure as shit am not going to keep living for my HALF brother who sure as shit won't help me deal with my problems or when Im at my worst or when things get tough like dealing with my mental breakdowns and such most especially when my mom dies and he's the only person I have left which is just laughable.
She then said I have my shitty grandfather and cunt sister who I fucking hate and estranged myself from them I don't want anything to do with them ever again. Then she said I have her extended family whom I never talk to or know them and sure as shit don't love them and especially knowing full well they wouldn't be able to deal with all my bullshit problems. I believe my brother just maybe care sure but he doesn't care enough that would makes a difference like a mother's 'unconditional' love and support which I sure as fucking shit wouldn't get from him or anyone else in my fucked up shit family let alone from complete strangers which is all of humanity who cares about no one besides their own fucked up family. Now I feel like a bad ungrateful son who yelled at an old sick woman and she won't talk to me. I know I'm a bad person I accept that now, but frankly I don't care right now.
I probably said too much but I couldn't hold back I'm tired of pretending and holding it all in all just so they don't want to deal with cold hard truth. Now thinking about it people say shit like 'what about us' 'WHAT ABOUT ME' say it cause they cannot deal with being alone. They only like the idea of a 'family' but nothing more they don't want to deal with the hard shit that comes with it especially being there for a family member who's suicidal as fuck. If it's selfish to kill yourself then so is expecting someone to live who doesn't. "You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink it." So it's the same as wanting someone to live but you can't make them WANT to live. I wish my mom and most people would try to care to understand that. Now my eyes hurt. FUCK
She knows I'm been depressed lately, suicidal and in pain for years and she still says shit like that. Then I told her how tired I am of dealing with everything and about how much I'm depressed, in pain with backpain, how I'm basically a 26 disabled man-child who's bedridden and who's a nobody with no friends and relationships, how I don't enjoy a fucking thing which makes up for all this bullshit, all the new problems like tinnitus and eye problems, numerous of other things and more I don't remember. I told her I cared about only her enough to try to stay alive and hold on but nobody else but even then her love isn't stopping me from wanting to die. It's like she would rather see me suffer like this than led die and be at peace. I told her I'm trying my best but it isn't good enough and nothing is helping or worth living for and my supposed 'family's love' sure as shit doesn't help with anything or is enough to help.
Living for others is shallow as fuck. I told her I'll keep trying but sooner or later whether she's dead or not I cannot live like this much longer for an untold amount of time possibly years or even worse decades. I sure as shit am not going to keep living for my HALF brother who sure as shit won't help me deal with my problems or when Im at my worst or when things get tough like dealing with my mental breakdowns and such most especially when my mom dies and he's the only person I have left which is just laughable.
She then said I have my shitty grandfather and cunt sister who I fucking hate and estranged myself from them I don't want anything to do with them ever again. Then she said I have her extended family whom I never talk to or know them and sure as shit don't love them and especially knowing full well they wouldn't be able to deal with all my bullshit problems. I believe my brother just maybe care sure but he doesn't care enough that would makes a difference like a mother's 'unconditional' love and support which I sure as fucking shit wouldn't get from him or anyone else in my fucked up shit family let alone from complete strangers which is all of humanity who cares about no one besides their own fucked up family. Now I feel like a bad ungrateful son who yelled at an old sick woman and she won't talk to me. I know I'm a bad person I accept that now, but frankly I don't care right now.
I probably said too much but I couldn't hold back I'm tired of pretending and holding it all in all just so they don't want to deal with cold hard truth. Now thinking about it people say shit like 'what about us' 'WHAT ABOUT ME' say it cause they cannot deal with being alone. They only like the idea of a 'family' but nothing more they don't want to deal with the hard shit that comes with it especially being there for a family member who's suicidal as fuck. If it's selfish to kill yourself then so is expecting someone to live who doesn't. "You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink it." So it's the same as wanting someone to live but you can't make them WANT to live. I wish my mom and most people would try to care to understand that. Now my eyes hurt. FUCK
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