I want to preface this by saying I am not Jewish but I have worked for a Jewish organisation in the past and many of my colleagues there were Jewish.
So as you may have read my life is on shambles. After prison none of my old friends would talk to me. I really struggle to make new friends as the guilt and shame of what I've done always surface whenever I'm out in public or talking to someone new.
Last year I reached out to an old friend I had lost contact with. He's always been quite conservative but it's always been in more of an edge lord way. I never thought he was a bad person but we lost touch because I wasn't comfortable being friends with someone like that.
Since getting back in touch he's been really supportive and honestly he's become probably my main support outside of my family. However he has made a few comments since then that have made me uncomfortable but I've brushed them off because honestly who am I to have a moral high ground with anybody after what I've done. Usually I just move the conversation forward and try and forget it.
Some of the comments he made were about me working for that Jewish organisation in the past and saying I shouldn't work with Jewish people again and last year when we went for lunch he alluded to the Holocaust not being real (I forget the context but I remember that part).
If I'm honest I've tolerated a lot from people since prison. I'm still in touch with other former prisoners and as you can imagine they can be quite ignorant, using outdated terms and slurs towards women and members of the LGBT community and overall saying a lot of backwards stuff. I've stopped talking to a lot of them but like I said people aren't exactly lining up to be my friend nowadays.
Which brings me to the other day. I forget the exact context but while texting my friend he used an antisemitic slur. When I told him I didn't like it he repeated it. I then said something I regret which was along the lines of if I had anyone else in my life I would have blocked him the second he said that word. I also told him about other people from prison I still speak to who absolutely disgust me but they're the only people who still speak to me.
He messaged me today saying he was furious that I would lump him in with those kinds of people and that I would basically cut him off at the drop of a hat. I apologised and said I didn't intend to hurt his feelings but antisemitism is something I just can't stand. He accused me of trying to dictate what he says and I said I wasn't but those kinds of words really upset me.
I miss the days when I spoke to normal people. The only people who speak to me are people I personally find abhorrent. I speak to them because I have no one else to talk to. Otherwise I'd be alone. But I still feel bad that I hurt his feelings. He's the only one left who actually helps me with anything and now I'm going to be all alone.
So as you may have read my life is on shambles. After prison none of my old friends would talk to me. I really struggle to make new friends as the guilt and shame of what I've done always surface whenever I'm out in public or talking to someone new.
Last year I reached out to an old friend I had lost contact with. He's always been quite conservative but it's always been in more of an edge lord way. I never thought he was a bad person but we lost touch because I wasn't comfortable being friends with someone like that.
Since getting back in touch he's been really supportive and honestly he's become probably my main support outside of my family. However he has made a few comments since then that have made me uncomfortable but I've brushed them off because honestly who am I to have a moral high ground with anybody after what I've done. Usually I just move the conversation forward and try and forget it.
Some of the comments he made were about me working for that Jewish organisation in the past and saying I shouldn't work with Jewish people again and last year when we went for lunch he alluded to the Holocaust not being real (I forget the context but I remember that part).
If I'm honest I've tolerated a lot from people since prison. I'm still in touch with other former prisoners and as you can imagine they can be quite ignorant, using outdated terms and slurs towards women and members of the LGBT community and overall saying a lot of backwards stuff. I've stopped talking to a lot of them but like I said people aren't exactly lining up to be my friend nowadays.
Which brings me to the other day. I forget the exact context but while texting my friend he used an antisemitic slur. When I told him I didn't like it he repeated it. I then said something I regret which was along the lines of if I had anyone else in my life I would have blocked him the second he said that word. I also told him about other people from prison I still speak to who absolutely disgust me but they're the only people who still speak to me.
He messaged me today saying he was furious that I would lump him in with those kinds of people and that I would basically cut him off at the drop of a hat. I apologised and said I didn't intend to hurt his feelings but antisemitism is something I just can't stand. He accused me of trying to dictate what he says and I said I wasn't but those kinds of words really upset me.
I miss the days when I spoke to normal people. The only people who speak to me are people I personally find abhorrent. I speak to them because I have no one else to talk to. Otherwise I'd be alone. But I still feel bad that I hurt his feelings. He's the only one left who actually helps me with anything and now I'm going to be all alone.
