Got a shotgun

[its-about-time]

Feels freaking epic. Got it into my possession about two weeks ago. Friend gave me some buckshot but I won't use what a friend gave me. I'll buy my own ammo. I was just sitting in bed with it pondering afterlife questions. Wondering what's in my head and what isn't. Like if I'm a being that will return to another world, and my job is to keep reliving lives where I suffer and commit suicide for a greater purpose. In my head or not? I cracked myself up when I realized that I'll just take EVERYTHING out of my head with a shotgun. Ha! It feels so right. It's just so perfect it makes me laugh. I feel really good about whatever I do. I'm still smiling. It's hard to not want to destroy the world with me, but it's all gone when I die anyways, right? Killing me is killing everything?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

but it's all gone when I die anyways, right? Killing me is killing everything?

That will certainly kill your perceptions of it.

I've chatted with you and you're female, correct? Honestly, I'm not saying this to be chauvinistic or condescending. But, you don't hear too often of a gal blowing her brains out with a shotgun. I think it's more a male thing. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Just an observation.

 

[its-about-time]

That will certainly kill your perceptions of it.

I've chatted with you and you're female, correct? Honestly, I'm not saying this to be chauvinistic or condescending. But, you don't hear too often of a gal blowing her brains out with a shotgun. I think it's more a male thing. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Just an observation.

Consider me a special snowflake then. LOL. I'm pissed about it all, I've had SN kicking around for months and it just doesn't feel violent or exciting enough anymore. This place is FUCKED. I am fucked. Shotgun speaks to my feelings better. Nice to see you around still. I remember chatting.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Consider me a special snowflake then. LOL. I'm pissed about it all, I've had SN kicking around for months and it just doesn't feel violent or exciting enough anymore. This place is FUCKED. I am fucked. Shotgun speaks to my feelings better. Nice to see you around still. I remember chatting.

Uncontrollable vomiting can be exciting in it's own way. It takes a special gal to go out with a shotgun in her mouth. I hope you would put it in your mouth, anyway. Any other way is an uncertain outcome. Yeah, I'm still here for now, doing what I've been doing, tidying up what I'm going to leave for someone to clean up. I'll be hanging around for a little while, yet. Where have you been hiding? I haven't seen you around too much. I was hoping maybe things got better for you.

 

[its-about-time]

Uncontrollable vomiting can be exciting in it's own way. It takes a special gal to go out with a shotgun in her mouth. I hope you would put it in your mouth, anyway. Any other way is an uncertain outcome. Yeah, I'm still here for now, doing what I've been doing, tidying up what I'm going to leave for someone to clean up. I'll be hanging around for a little while, yet. Where have you been hiding? I haven't seen you around too much. I was hoping maybe things got better for you.

Ha!! That first sentence made me LOL. Yeah definitely barrel in the mouth, I put it in my mouth a couple days ago for the first time to see how it'd feel and I thought "oh my poor teeth are gonna get fuuucked," the recoil of the gun will definitely shatter them. Not like I'll care, just is what came to my brain. Things haven't been too bad, I've been off the site because I started being irritated with all the posts instead of feeling connected to the struggle. I did restart medication and my mood feels more balanced now. I feel not depressed but just not interested in living. Having means to die quickly by makes me feel so good. If I get upset and impulsively shoot myself, my otherwise calm and even self feels okay with that outcome. If I stick around long-term, well, sure. Taking a long time to prep and consider things very realistically has been good for me, even if it doesn't change the potential outcome.. you've been in the same timeline, do you feel the same?

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be a relief having a method that you feel so confident in. I wish you the best.

 

[noalarms]

Every day I wish I was born in America. CTB with firearms is a piece of cake.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

you've been in the same timeline, do you feel the same?

Yeah. I'm still aiming for what is inevitable. I'm still intent on going. Honestly, I have to. There are just no good scenarios long term for me. Believe me, I've reflected on it long and hard. I've handled my situation for so long, a little while longer won't kill me, no pun intended, while I get a few things done and personal affairs in order. It will be next year for me. I'm very sure of that, unless, of course, I die naturally before then, or even get murdered before then. Barring that, I should be ready, hopefully, by next Spring, at least as ready as I can get, as far as getting done what I would like. I could go now if I chose to. I'm ready. I just need to tie up loose ends. That's what is keeping me here now. That can always change, though.

 

[its-about-time]

Yeah. I'm still aiming for what is inevitable. I'm still intent on going. Honestly, I have to. There are just no good scenarios long term for me. Believe me, I've reflected on it long and hard. I've handled my situation for so long, a little while longer won't kill me, no pun intended, while I get a few things done and personal affairs in order. It will be next year for me. I'm very sure of that, unless, of course, I die naturally before then, or even get murdered before then. Barring that, I should be ready, hopefully, by next Spring, at least as ready as I can get, as far as getting done what I would like. I could go now if I chose to. I'm ready. I just need to tie up loose ends. That's what is keeping me here now. That can always change, though.

I think we are on very similar pages there. I understand having taken a long time to decide and not rushing it. It's been very healing for me to do it this way, in its own right. Accepting I won't be around terribly longer makes everything more tolerable and less important. I'm having fun again even. When I start to consider taking suicide off the table, I notice the world gets heavier and I stop having fun. Strange, huh? I think I'm just really riding that wave of the "they seemed so happy right before they killed themself" trope, but I've managed to extend it for quite a few months now… pretty cool, I'll keep it up for some time longer I imagine! I understand where you're coming from and I think it's nice to connect with someone over that. Doesn't feel like too sad a subject really. Just is what it is.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

It is odd how having means to end your life can make it much more bearable. When you know you can always "use the emergency exit", everything becomes less scary.
I'm glad you can find any kind of relief, even though I'm sorry it has to come in this form.

 

[Felix007]

i envy you mate, if i had access to a gun, i would be gone already... hope you find peace!

 

[its-about-time]

It is odd how having means to end your life can make it much more bearable. When you know you can always "use the emergency exit", everything becomes less scary.
I'm glad you can find any kind of relief, even though I'm sorry it has to come in this form.

It was an unexpected side effect but I'm riding it as long as I can :) when things start to feel worse I just get closer to my means, which makes me feel better… what a balance. I still hope I go in the end, but I don't feel that urgency. It's nice to hear people understand :)