Goodbye

[jussrav]

So basically was supposed to be going Beachy head today as id had enough. The person who I was supposed to be jumping with decided to do it from another location. I went to my mental health team this morning demanding to see my psychiatrist who has been ignoring me for 3 weeks. I spoke to his secretary who said he will review my meds after he cones off annual leave which is another 2 weeks. I have been without medication for 3 weeks. I can't sleep wake up hourly. I demanded to see the psychiatrist but my cpn came. I said to her i want to see my psychiatrist . She said he is in crisis situation. I said I am going to beachy head to die she walked off after having a go at me and also the secretary walked off. I then went to the duty team. A guy spoke to me and I told him how I have been messed about by my doctors, psychiatrists , crisis teams etc. Thankfully he listened and managed to book an appointment to look at my meds on Monday. I've gone so low I can barely get myself to eat. I dont know how I will survive the next 2 days. I know I wont sleep and if I do I will be up at 4am because my problem is my mental health or the way I have messed myself up has a direct affect on how long I can sleep. First it was 8 hours then as I worsened it went 7 then 6 now 5. But i can't sleep so I wake up with bad headache and can't get through the day. I am walking around like a zombie unable to do basic tasks. I know that my decisions in the past eg mum saying let's go on holiday would have saved me. However I was due to start a new job and had a tenant at my flat so thought best to do the job and stay with tenant. However this backfired I got worse and worse. The tenant argued with me, broke my washing machine and as she was from a jot country she needed the heating on all the time so it was a boll of 1200 pounds. I wish I could turn back time but I cant and now I am living in this hell where I can only sleep 5 hours bit dont sleep anyway. I know i am ruined and there is no getting better and wondering why am I even trying I should be dead. I speak to people they don't understand they say be happy, watch a movie, get a pet. If it was that easy id do it. But my mental health is do severe its unbelievably low it just gets worse everyday. Sorry for rant I hope everyone is OK.

 

[anne neum]

its ok to vent, dont be sorry. You seem really isolated.

 

[jussrav]

its ok to vent, dont be sorry. You seem really isolated.

Hi yes I am Anne neum. I dont look right either. Its like I am on another planet. I just cant seem to see a way out of this. I will probably try beachy again as I am scared I won't be able to get through tomorrow.

 

[Sonny77]

These fu... psychiatric illnesses. They can be as hard as cancer, only cancer is merciful and lets you die.

I'm sorry for what you're going through buddy.

 

[Amelie]

So basically was supposed to be going Beachy head today as id had enough. The person who I was supposed to be jumping with decided to do it from another location. I went to my mental health team this morning demanding to see my psychiatrist who has been ignoring me for 3 weeks. I spoke to his secretary who said he will review my meds after he cones off annual leave which is another 2 weeks. I have been without medication for 3 weeks. I can't sleep wake up hourly. I demanded to see the psychiatrist but my cpn came. I said to her i want to see my psychiatrist . She said he is in crisis situation. I said I am going to beachy head to die she walked off after having a go at me and also the secretary walked off. I then went to the duty team. A guy spoke to me and I told him how I have been messed about by my doctors, psychiatrists , crisis teams etc. Thankfully he listened and managed to book an appointment to look at my meds on Monday. I've gone so low I can barely get myself to eat. I dont know how I will survive the next 2 days. I know I wont sleep and if I do I will be up at 4am because my problem is my mental health or the way I have messed myself up has a direct affect on how long I can sleep. First it was 8 hours then as I worsened it went 7 then 6 now 5. But i can't sleep so I wake up with bad headache and can't get through the day. I am walking around like a zombie unable to do basic tasks. I know that my decisions in the past eg mum saying let's go on holiday would have saved me. However I was due to start a new job and had a tenant at my flat so thought best to do the job and stay with tenant. However this backfired I got worse and worse. The tenant argued with me, broke my washing machine and as she was from a jot country she needed the heating on all the time so it was a boll of 1200 pounds. I wish I could turn back time but I cant and now I am living in this hell where I can only sleep 5 hours bit dont sleep anyway. I know i am ruined and there is no getting better and wondering why am I even trying I should be dead. I speak to people they don't understand they say be happy, watch a movie, get a pet. If it was that easy id do it. But my mental health is do severe its unbelievably low it just gets worse everyday. Sorry for rant I hope everyone is OK.

I'm honestly so fucking angry on your behalf. Them being this shit shouldn't be legal!!! Earlier in the year when I had a similar experience when they told me I hadn't self harmed badly enough, I was literally about to walk out the door and go and self harm at their office in the waiting room and bleed all over their floor just to get them to fucking notice me!! But my husband stopped me.
I think it takes drastic action to get their attention and make them help you! I have a friend who went on hunger strike till he got treatment and it actually worked.

 

[anne neum]

Hi yes I am Anne neum. I dont look right either. Its like I am on another planet. I just cant seem to see a way out of this. I will probably try beachy again as I am scared I won't be able to get through tomorrow.

i would advise you to prepare a bit. Beachy head is a popular suicide location and you ll likely can be interrupted.

 

[jussrav]

These fu... psychiatric illnesses. They can be as hard as cancer, only cancer is merciful and lets you die.

I'm sorry for what you're going through buddy.

Thankyou sonny. I dont know what to do with this life now. It seems so difficult to endure.

 

[not_telling]

I'm sorry you had to go through all that. The system can be such a countereffective thing, I hate that they would trat a patient like that. They're not a McDonald's dealing with some customer who didn't get one potato on their combo, it's lives that are hanging on the balance. I hope you can find some sort of peace, whatever that is for you, and that you're comfortable on your way there.

 

[jussrav]

i would advise you to prepare a bit. Beachy head is a popular suicide location and you ll likely can be interrupted.

How do I prepare I dont want to be saved i want out of this horror.

I'm sorry you had to go through all that. The system can be such a countereffective thing, I hate that they would trat a patient like that. They're not a McDonald's dealing with some customer who didn't get one potato on their combo, it's lives that are hanging on the balance. I hope you can find some sort of peace, whatever that is for you, and that you're comfortable on your way there.

Thankyou. Xx

I'm honestly so fucking angry on your behalf. Them being this shit shouldn't be legal!!! Earlier in the year when I had a similar experience when they told me I hadn't self harmed badly enough, I was literally about to walk out the door and go and self harm at their office in the waiting room and bleed all over their floor just to get them to fucking notice me!! But my husband stopped me.
I think it takes drastic action to get their attention and make them help you! I have a friend who went on hunger strike till he got treatment and it actually worked.

I really wish I'd got married had a husband like a support system to help me with my decisions because my decisions have brought me to suicide now.

 

[GeriatricGoblin]

These fu... psychiatric illnesses. They can be as hard as cancer, only cancer is merciful and lets you die.

I'm sorry for what you're going through buddy.

And a lot of them make you feel like it's your fault

 

[Sonny77]

Thankyou sonny. I dont know what to do with this life now. It seems so difficult to endure.

There is a good saying:

Fight or die!

I interpret it this way for my/our situation. In life you fight many battles against many opponents. People, illnesses, pain, losses, violence, addiction etc. You get up 1000 times when you have fought, been beaten, but don't want to give up. At some point, for some people, the moment comes when they decide to stop fighting and let it happen. To come back to the saying, ONLY YOU DON'T DIE!

You feel like a soldier who has been in war, is badly injured and traumatized and you should keep fighting!

And then, you end up in a forum like this.........

 

[anne neum]

How do I prepare I dont want to be saved i want out of this horror.

Thankyou. Xx

I really wish I'd got married had a husband like a support system to help me with my decisions because my decisions have brought me to suicide now.

i dont know about you, but i found out that it is really hard to make one last step. So you can be there for a while, lingering, till chaplains stop you. SI from heights is very strong. So ill guess you need to overcome it, to depart rapidly. I usually sat in a window in my highrise at night, legs out to do it.

 

[jussrav]

There is a good saying:

Fight or die!

I interpret it this way for my/our situation. In life you fight many battles against many opponents. People, illnesses, pain, losses, violence, addiction etc. You get up 1000 times when you have fought, been beaten, but don't want to give up. At some point, for some people, the moment comes when they decide to stop fighting and let it happen. To come back to the saying, ONLY YOU DON'T DIE!

You feel like a soldier who has been in war, is badly injured and traumatized and you should keep fighting!

And then, you end up in a forum like this.........

Mine was illness covid, mainly covid that ruined my life and killed me in every way. I have a tumour as a result. Yes I am in hell. I just dont want to hurt my family but I miss the person I was and now she's deaf so I shall follow suite.

Mine was illness covid, mainly covid that ruined my life and killed me in every way. I have a tumour as a result. Yes I am in hell. I just dont want to hurt my family but I miss the person I was and now she's deaf so I shall follow suite.

I meant dead not deaf

 

[SpiritInTheSky]

So basically was supposed to be going Beachy head today as id had enough. The person who I was supposed to be jumping with decided to do it from another location. I went to my mental health team this morning demanding to see my psychiatrist who has been ignoring me for 3 weeks. I spoke to his secretary who said he will review my meds after he cones off annual leave which is another 2 weeks. I have been without medication for 3 weeks. I can't sleep wake up hourly. I demanded to see the psychiatrist but my cpn came. I said to her i want to see my psychiatrist . She said he is in crisis situation. I said I am going to beachy head to die she walked off after having a go at me and also the secretary walked off. I then went to the duty team. A guy spoke to me and I told him how I have been messed about by my doctors, psychiatrists , crisis teams etc. Thankfully he listened and managed to book an appointment to look at my meds on Monday. I've gone so low I can barely get myself to eat. I dont know how I will survive the next 2 days. I know I wont sleep and if I do I will be up at 4am because my problem is my mental health or the way I have messed myself up has a direct affect on how long I can sleep. First it was 8 hours then as I worsened it went 7 then 6 now 5. But i can't sleep so I wake up with bad headache and can't get through the day. I am walking around like a zombie unable to do basic tasks. I know that my decisions in the past eg mum saying let's go on holiday would have saved me. However I was due to start a new job and had a tenant at my flat so thought best to do the job and stay with tenant. However this backfired I got worse and worse. The tenant argued with me, broke my washing machine and as she was from a jot country she needed the heating on all the time so it was a boll of 1200 pounds. I wish I could turn back time but I cant and now I am living in this hell where I can only sleep 5 hours bit dont sleep anyway. I know i am ruined and there is no getting better and wondering why am I even trying I should be dead. I speak to people they don't understand they say be happy, watch a movie, get a pet. If it was that easy id do it. But my mental health is do severe its unbelievably low it just gets worse everyday. Sorry for rant I hope everyone is OK.

Try hang in there till Monday, you never know, this new guy that's looking at your meds might actually get it right and be better than your main doctor.
Maybe right down all your concerns and questions that you want to say and ask him as on the day you'll forget what to say and only be focusing on the meds.
Just be honest with him and tell him what's going on and how you feel.
The only downside is any change in your meds might take a little while to start working.
It can be tough to sleep when you know you're not going to be able to sleep, the more you think about tying to sleep the worse it'll be to fall asleep and stay asleep.
It might sound odd but have you tried doing exercise before going to bed, as even though your mind is tired your body probably isn't and doing some exercise would tire it you out and help you get a better night sleep.
Even trying to sleep with the radio on can help as it stops your mind from thinking and over thinking and makes you focus on the radio instead, even an audiobook might help.

 

[jussrav]

Try hang in there till Monday, you never know, this new guy that's looking at your meds might actually get it right and be better than your main doctor.
Maybe right down all your concerns and questions that you want to say and ask him as on the day you'll forget what to say and only be focusing on the meds.
Just be honest with him and tell him what's going on and how you feel.
The only downside is any change in your meds might take a little while to start working.
It can be tough to sleep when you know you're not going to be able to sleep, the more you think about tying to sleep the worse it'll be to fall asleep and stay asleep.
It might sound odd but have you tried doing exercise before going to bed, as even though your mind is tired your body probably isn't and doing some exercise would tire it you out and help you get a better night sleep.
Even trying to sleep with the radio on can help as it stops your mind from thinking and over thinking and makes you focus on the radio instead, even an audiobook might help.

Yes I think you are right. Exercise will help but my life is torture at the moment. I have totally screwed up my life. My peace is gone. I know doctors meds is limited its all an internal fight and I really wish I could just escape this nightmare.

And a lot of them make you feel like it's your fault

My cpn and everyone have a ho at me and make it out to be my fault. They don't understand either and say I am overthinking when I am not.