Goodbye soon SN

[Worthless_nobody]

I know im not a big poster on here so I doubt any one remember me but I'm going to be ctbing soon. want to ctb tonight so bad..I'm ready I have method and all. (mods please don't ban me im just venting not googbye yet). I'm only not ctb because of my mom. It will kill her too. I just don't know how much longer I can keep this up. Im only living for her. I know some people will say I should stay alive for my mom but my life has been terrible and I just can't take anymore. I just got more news that pushed me over the edge. I have been suicidal since 14 (I'm late 20s now) so this isn't impulse. Life just beats me down at every turn. I *almost* made it...I was almost happy but life beat me down AGAIN.

I have been mentally, physically and sexually abused by a sociopath ex bf, I held my dead baby in my hands she died before birth (no I don't want any kids, I was raped by sociopath ex is why I ever would have had her, I didn't just didn't have the heart to have abortion). Another one of my ex's (my ex fiance passed away tragically), I have been homeless, I have terrible PTSD, Asperger's, bpd, back pain, and injury's from abuse, horrible insomnia, tinnitus, IBS, I was made fun of in school so I started off on wrong path....I'm just DONE....but I just feel so bad for my mom. She has done everything she can. I love her so much I just can't believe I'm going to do this to her. Ill give it a bit more time but if things don't turn around fast I think it's my time soon. I'll make a goodbye thread when and if I decide I will.

Any way I want to go ahead an thank the wonderful SS community in general. Love to you all, my you all my ss family for helped me through hard times and giving me a safe space to vent. Special shoutvoutvtonmy friends here. I hope you all your hearts desire, happiness and peace. Note to mods this isn't goodbye post yet.

 

[Sinai Silence]

I just want to say you are such a strong person for experiencing many of life's greatest pains and still being here for your mother's sake.

Whatever decision you make everyone here will support you. It is your life and you decide what to do with it.

I really hope your ex faced justice for what he did to you; people like that don't deserve their life.

Whatever decision you come to make I'm sending love and support your way

 

[I screwed up]

We are all here for u @Raven Moon , pl take care ...

 

[MsMaudlin]

Oh beautiful Raven Moon, you are so much stronger than you realise, you have been through so much.
Sending lots of love, my inbox is open if you want to PM.
❤

 

[lostangel]

I hope you can be at peace :)

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Thanks for the love and support guys. I woke up and realized my post had sooo many grammar errors I tried editing it now. Apologies I took too much benzos last night after I had a meltdown. I'm still planning my ctb...it's just a matter of when.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your ordeal @Raven Moon and there is no rush to make a decision, and whatever you do, I hope you will be able to find peace, whether it is to end your suffering or carry on further.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I think I just feel so sad I feel forced to ctb. I really want to live but with all my problems (see first post) I just cannot. I cannot accept that *this* is my life. This just kills me.. on one hand I'm fully ready to go but on other I'm beyond sad my life can't be fixed..I fear for my mother. I don't want her to ctb right after me but how much longer must I stay in torment existing just for her. My heart hurts. i haven't set a date but it's soon. I actually had my method out and ready last night.

I just want to say you are such a strong person for experiencing many of life's greatest pains and still being here for your mother's sake.

Whatever decision you make everyone here will support you. It is your life and you decide what to do with it.

I really hope your ex faced justice for what he did to you; people like that don't deserve their life.

Whatever decision you come to make I'm sending love and support your way

Sadly no he is still getting and getting in life. He got nothing or jail time...it breaks my heart innocent victims like me have to ctb while he keeps to keep on hurting others and destroying lives consequence free.