goodbye: CTB date: June 12, 2020

[ghostspace]

Hi everyone. I know it's been a while since I've posted here. A lot's gone on and there have been highs and lows over the past few months.

I just learned today that my therapist will no longer be taking insurance and the combined cost of both continuing therapy and my additional medicinal treatment will be $960 per month, an amount that I cannot afford, nor can my family.

I'm taking this as a sign that it's time for me to go. I contribute nothing to this world and am a burden, financially and otherwise, on everyone I care about. It's true things could get better, but without the support and care that's been keeping me afloat, I don't want to spend any more time suffering here, waiting for a possible positive in what feels like a barren wasteland of a life.

I have gotten by solely with the support of therapy and specific treatment and there aren't options to replace or supplement that support in other ways. It took a decade to find the right people and medicine and now, without that, I no longer feel that there is hope of recovery anytime soon.

Honestly, it does come down to money, but even if I could afford it for now or had help, it adds tremendously to my stress knowing that I can't independently choose the treatment that works for me; I don't want to rely on someone else's money because that adds another level of uncertainty and I can't bear it.

I have decided to take my life using the traditional SN method on June 12, 2020 at 10 PM. I'm getting my affairs in order currently and have acquired all the materials I need to complete suicide at that time.

I'm so grateful to this site and everyone I've become friends with here. The kindness and empathy you've shown me is nothing like I've ever experienced before and I can't thank you enough.

I'll be around a bit this month before I go. I love you all very much and want to be able to properly speak with anyone who wants to talk and say goodbye in a not-so-sudden way.

I love you so much.

—ghost

edit: I'm scared, I don't want to be alone. That doesn't mean I'm not ready, just that the thought of waiting this month out before leaving the world makes me sad and anxious. Suicide has always scared me, but I've always known it was going to be my way of leaving sooner or later. This is sooner than expected, but I can feel that it's time; it's a deep, hollow, reluctant feeling, but also the bubbling anticipation of permanent relief.

 

[limpingtowardfreedom]

I'm sorry for your financial woes, I've been there and it's awful. It's certainly legitimate to ctb when faced with that burden, but I hope you don't have to.

Do you live in the US? There are many free resources for therapy, just hidden, and usually allow a reasonable degree of choice in your doctor/treatment. If you tell me the state (especially if you're willing to PM me county) I can try to find a free or sliding-income-based resource in your area to get you in the right direction.

I know that that might feel exhaustingly like 'starting over', but it's really not, you still have all the progress and knowledge that you've gained from your therapy so far, and you may even find someone even better.

Just something to think about, I have some experience in this area being both severely poor and severely mentally ill, so I might be able to help.

 

[Winston]

I'm so grateful to this site

Hi @ghostspace ,
I am also grateful for this site. It has been supportive with information and sympathetic dialogue.
I understand your financial reasons for deciding on CTB. Much of my own cause is to not burden others with my problems. I wish you the best, and hope that you can relax and that your last days are carefree and indulgent. Cheers, mate.

 

[ghostspace]

I'm sorry for your financial woes, I've been there and it's awful. It's certainly legitimate to ctb when faced with that burden, but I hope you don't have to.

Do you live in the US? There are many free resources for therapy, just hidden, and usually allow a reasonable degree of choice in your doctor/treatment. If you tell me the state (especially if you're willing to PM me county) I can try to find a free or sliding-income-based resource in your area to get you in the right direction.

I know that that might feel exhaustingly like 'starting over', but it's really not, you still have all the progress and knowledge that you've gained from your therapy so far, and you may even find someone even better.

Just something to think about, I have some experience in this area being both severely poor and severely mentally ill, so I might be able to help.

Hi, it is so sweet and kind of you to reach out. I live in the USA, specifically in East TN, near Knoxville. I do biweekly therapy with a specialist and ketamine infusions once a month for PTSD. There is, at this time, no way of getting coverage for ketamine, it is all out of pocket.

I have a type of BPD and am attached to my therapist. I also experienced trauma early on in the mental health system and am deeply terrified of therapy in general, it took over a year to trust this person and I don't feel that I have the emotional energy to start over and say all the things I already said. It's tedious and heartbreaking and I've been crying all day over the unfairness of it all.

I cannot afford anything. Ketamine costs 350 a month and my parents take turns paying for it with a credit card. They're not able to continue that much longer. My prescription is a hormone and not covered by insurance. It's 60 dollars.

My heart is shattered. I have no support. I feel like I can't breathe and I think I won't wait for July. There's no point.

 

[DoNotLet2]

It's always sad when somebody goes even if I didn't know them... Wish you peace even though I deeply hope that your financial situation might change.

 

[ghostspace]

It's always sad when somebody goes even if I didn't know them... Wish you peace even though I deeply hope that your financial situation might change.

Thank you. I really wish I'd gotten to know more people here as well. Or in my lifetime, really. I'm 22 and I barely talk to or see anyone other than my sister who's in school and my best friend (she's usually too busy to talk). I wish the majority of my life was spent doing something more worthwhile than struggling with mental illness.

Here is my plan for Friday, it's a little unorthodox, but I think I've worked it out so that it should work without risk of being caught:

1. take meto ahead of time, all at once.
2. prepare SN and put it in a disposable container
3. walk to a less-frequented area in the park (I have the perfect isolated little place)
4. set out a blanket and comfort items as well as ID and sketchbook (containing suicide note)
5. walk to the closest apartment complex, take SN, throw disposable container away (sealed tightly)
6. quickly head back to park and wait.

Hi @ghostspace ,
I am also grateful for this site. It has been supportive with information and sympathetic dialogue.
I understand your financial reasons for deciding on CTB. Much of my own cause is to not burden others with my problems. I wish you the best, and hope that you can relax and that your last days are carefree and indulgent. Cheers, mate.

hi Winston ♡
I wish you the best as well. thank you for taking the time to reply on here despite not knowing me. I feel terribly alone tonight and (because I'm quite emotional) your kind words made me cry. It's such a relief to feel validation from others, especially at a time like this when I'm scared and on my own.

 

[HelensNepenthe]

Forum has a strict policy on disclosing sources.

 

[ghostspace]

Forum has a strict policy on disclosing sources.

View attachment 37130

SO sorry! I knew I missed something, thank you ♡

 

[Jumper Geo]

So sorry you want to ctb you could try another therapist who takes insurance if you need more time, I would be careful trying to walk after taking SN it effects you almost immediately,

I hope you find peace, safe travels.

Best wishes

Geo

 

[FriendofDeath]

This is one of those situations that makes me crazy. Dear ghostspace, you should not have to make this decision because treatment is out of reach financially, and yet I don't know how to help you. I am so sorry your world has turned upside down. Are you on disability? Did your therapist give you any options? Do you live near a big university that might have something that would help?

I also hear what you're saying - that you don't want to be a burden and that you knew one day it would come to this. It sounds like you have dealt with difficult circumstances most of your life. I wish we could continue to hear your voice. I certainly support your decision. I am not in your shoes. It's also true I don't know you, but I saw a post of yours earlier today and it touched me. Even the fact that your writing is ghostly. I thought I'd have an opportunity to see more of you, and am saddened that it has come to this. I always send light and love to protect you on your journey, whatever journey you choose. Wishing you peace and hoping for a miracle.

 

[ghostspace]

This is one of those situations that makes me crazy. Dear ghostspace, you should not have to make this decision because treatment is out of reach financially, and yet I don't know how to help you. I am so sorry your world has turned upside down. Are you on disability? Did your therapist give you any options? Do you live near a big university that might have something that would help?

I also hear what you're saying - that you don't want to be a burden and that you knew one day it would come to this. It sounds like you have dealt with difficult circumstances most of your life. I wish we could continue to hear your voice. I certainly support your decision. I am not in your shoes. It's also true I don't know you, but I saw a post of yours earlier today and it touched me. Even the fact that your writing is ghostly. I thought I'd have an opportunity to see more of you, and am saddened that it has come to this. I always send light and love to protect you on your journey, whatever journey you choose. Wishing you peace and hoping for a miracle.

hello sweet Friend ♡

yes, I am on disability but have exhausted all options for mental health care in my area. I don't want another therapist, I can't feel safe with another and it would just make me feel worse.

I've changed my CTB date to June 24th (or up until July if it takes that long) in order to see each member of my family because I owe them a goodbye and all my love.

It frustrates me to know I'm not the only one in this situation. I want to hug someone tightly so that it achors me here while I still am; I always feel like I'm floating away.
UPDATE: I will be leaving at the end of June/beginning of July.

As soon as I see my family and spend time with them. I'm torn between packing up my apartment in the meantime, or just leaving everything as is. I don't know what would be best for everyone I leave behind.

 

[TowerUpright]

Hi everyone. I know it's been a while since I've posted here. A lot's gone on and there have been highs and lows over the past few months.

I just learned today that my therapist will no longer be taking insurance and the combined cost of both continuing therapy and my additional medicinal treatment will be $960 per month, an amount that I cannot afford, nor can my family.

I'm taking this as a sign that it's time for me to go. I contribute nothing to this world and am a burden, financially and otherwise, on everyone I care about. It's true things could get better, but without the support and care that's been keeping me afloat, I don't want to spend any more time suffering here, waiting for a possible positive in what feels like a barren wasteland of a life.

I have gotten by solely with the support of therapy and specific treatment and there aren't options to replace or supplement that support in other ways. It took a decade to find the right people and medicine and now, without that, I no longer feel that there is hope of recovery anytime soon.

Honestly, it does come down to money, but even if I could afford it for now or had help, it adds tremendously to my stress knowing that I can't independently choose the treatment that works for me; I don't want to rely on someone else's money because that adds another level of uncertainty and I can't bear it.

I have decided to take my life using the traditional SN method on June 12, 2020 at 10 PM. I'm getting my affairs in order currently and have acquired all the materials I need to complete suicide at that time.

I'm so grateful to this site and everyone I've become friends with here. The kindness and empathy you've shown me is nothing like I've ever experienced before and I can't thank you enough.

I'll be around a bit this month before I go. I love you all very much and want to be able to properly speak with anyone who wants to talk and say goodbye in a not-so-sudden way.

I love you so much.

—ghost

edit: I'm scared, I don't want to be alone. That doesn't mean I'm not ready, just that the thought of waiting this month out before leaving the world makes me sad and anxious. Suicide has always scared me, but I've always known it was going to be my way of leaving sooner or later. This is sooner than expected, but I can feel that it's time; it's a deep, hollow, reluctant feeling, but also the bubbling anticipation of permanent relief.

I'm sorry it is money that is the proverbial straw.

If you're scared to be alone, I suggest finding a friend from the site and ask them to be online with you, when you need them. Most people I have met here would be more than happy to be a good listener.

 

[FriendofDeath]

hello sweet Friend ♡

yes, I am on disability but have exhausted all options for mental health care in my area. I don't want another therapist, I can't feel safe with another and it would just make me feel worse.

I've changed my CTB date to June 24th (or up until July if it takes that long) in order to see each member of my family because I owe them a goodbye and all my love.

It frustrates me to know I'm not the only one in this situation. I want to hug someone tightly so that it achors me here while I still am; I always feel like I'm floating away.
UPDATE: I will be leaving at the end of June/beginning of July.

As soon as I see my family and spend time with them. I'm torn between packing up my apartment in the meantime, or just leaving everything as is. I don't know what would be best for everyone I leave behind.

I lost someone very close to me by suicide. I had to pack up the house. I could only do two hours at a time before I was crying so hard I was choking. I had no note and no idea I might lose this person, so I went through every single thing, looking for an answer. Did not find one. This experience made me decide I needed to purge and pack before going. Every situation I have read has shown how very difficult it is for those left behind to pack up someone's belongings. I don't know if you were planning to leave a note or not. I still wish you could find an alternative, since you had what you needed before insurance interfered. I'm both sad and mad.

 

[ghostspace]

I lost someone very close to me by suicide. I had to pack up the house. I could only do two hours at a time before I was crying so hard I was choking. I had no note and no idea I might lose this person, so I went through every single thing, looking for an answer. Did not find one. This experience made me decide I needed to purge and pack before going. Every situation I have read has shown how very difficult it is for those left behind to pack up someone's belongings. I don't know if you were planning to leave a note or not. I still wish you could find an alternative, since you had what you needed before insurance interfered. I'm both sad and mad.

I will be leaving a note and a sketchbook with drawings/favorite memories with my loved ones.

Thank you for sharing your experience, I am so terribly sorry for your loss and the pain and grief you endured. That helps me feel more prepared to ensure my family won't go through what you did, packing everything away.

I think I'll neatly pack everything in drawers and closets, but keep my apartment looking the same so that they don't walk into a completely barren, unfamiliar-looking space. I still want enough of 'me' to be present there so that if, for example, lying in my bed brings them comfort, they can have that moment of closeness to me.

I will either destroy or clearly mark boxes of my more depressed artwork and journals. I want them to choose what they want to keep, but don't want them to open those things without knowing what they're going to see.

I think I will leave sticky notes everywhere explaining what to do with certain things and instructions for dealing with my apartment. Hopefully that might help them feel like I'm there with them in those moments.

They know why and I think they've always feared and expected something like this. I'm 22 and have been severely mentally ill for over half my life; it's become very apparent how much it limits me as I can't work or be in school.

 

[ghostspace]

Update:

I received the official notice from my health insurance provider. I have until September 6th, but want to CTB before then to avoid the pain of not having a therapist and the feelings of perceived abandonment/rejection that accompany that.

I am absolutely terrified of killing myself. I want to die, I'm just scared of what comes first and that I'll panic and go to the hospital or something which would ruin everything. I have some benzodiazepines but don't want to take them on the off-chance that people might think I was abusing them and that it's an overdose or something.

Obviously if I do chicken out, I'm NOT going to tell the paramedics what I took and hopefully I'll die anyways before they can figure out what to do.

I hate that COVID is a thing right now because I don't want to spend my last weeks completely alone.

I'm debating on whether or not to lock my phone in my car because that's far enough from where I live that I wouldn't be able to get to it before the SN kicks in.

I want to go home. I'm envisioning myself as a ten-year-old walking up the driveway to my childhood home, I'm picturing that's what dying is and that even though I don't believe in an afterlife, my last moments will be spent feeling as if I'm finally safe and finally home.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Did your therapist not explain that s/he can provide you with a superbill for you to submit to your insurance company for reimbursement? That's common practice for therapists who no longer want to be controlled by insurance companies. And it's good for the clients, because now what you say in therapy is kept private, the therapist is no longer required to submit treatment notes.

I can understand there being a challenge in paying out of pocket and waiting for reimbursement. Is your therapist not willing to work with you on that in order for you to continue to receive treatment?

Finally, it is an ethical responsibility of therapists to help their clients find a replacement when they can no longer serve them. Is s/he giving you referrals to other therapists s/he thinks would be a good fit and would accept your insurance?

 

[Good4Nothing]

Only 22 and forced to catch the bus because the US health care system cares more about obscene profits than the well being of the people they're supposed to be helping. This makes me so sad, and so angry at the same time.
I wish I was a millionaire so I could help you. This world is so goddamn WRONG. I hate it.

 

[ghostspace]

Only 22 and forced to catch the bus because the US health care system cares more about obscene profits than the well being of the people they're supposed to be helping. This makes me so sad, and so angry at the same time.
I wish I was a millionaire so I could help you. This world is so goddamn WRONG. I hate it.

I know, it makes me feel so helpless and devastated. I was doing relatively well before all of this happened and now I feel like I'm falling down into the darkest place ever with nothing to hold onto. Thank you for your empathy. I'm hoping my family will understand. It's more worthwhile for them to afford to send my little brother to college than to waste so much money trying to get me well again, or well enough to not want to die every day.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I hope you and your family can find a way to get you what you need.

 

[Starpeople]

You for sure need to explain your thoughts and feelings to your therapist so that they can help you find someone who takes your insurance. It sounds like you have family who truly care for you. You should also reach out to them and talk to them. You are scared and need guidance and to know that everything will be okay. Life always has a way of working itself out for the better. I feel like maybe you would benefit from adopting a rescue dog from the humane society or something.... I feel like you both would be rescuing each other in many ways. Blessings and love to you.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Dear ghostspace, I'm so sorry... this should not be happening...I wish there was something I could do to help.

I can only offer to listen if you want to talk...

 

[ghostspace]

You for sure need to explain your thoughts and feelings to your therapist so that they can help you find someone who takes your insurance. It sounds like you have family who truly care for you. You should also reach out to them and talk to them. You are scared and need guidance and to know that everything will be okay. Life always has a way of working itself out for the better. I feel like maybe you would benefit from adopting a rescue dog from the humane society or something.... I feel like you both would be rescuing each other in many ways. Blessings and love to you.

I can't have a dog because I already have three rescue cats:)

My family is aware, my therapist and doctors have tried finding another in-network therapist who takes on people with my particular diagnoses, but either they're not taking new clients or not taking clients with all the things I'm diagnosed with. We'd been trying for years to find a therapist because so few accept my insurance in the first place.

I can't tell my current therapist I want to die because that's manipulative as it directly relates to her and there's nothing she can do. But she does know, and we've looked for someone else in the past and there's just nothing.

I don't want another therapist. It took me two years to trust this one and establish a beneficial relationship and if I had another one I'd be so overwhelmed with abandonment that I wouldn't be able to trust them at all. This has happened before and my current therapist was my 'last chance' at trying therapy because I couldn't take the emotional pain of being suddenly turned away. With a different therapist, I'd be too terrified the same thing would happen to trust her.
I'm so tired. I'm just so tired of being shifted around to different providers due to insurance. I'm sick of not having the consistency I need to work on my mental health and of the financial burden it becomes to get treatment. I feel so lost and empty. I keep crying randomly because I never thought my life would come to this; it feels like a betrayal of younger pre-trauma me who had the whole world to learn about and explore. In reality, things are so limited. My heart breaks for my 13-year-old self. She didn't deserve what happened to her and she deserved to be cared about when it did.

 

[FriendofDeath]

I'm still going to hope for a miracle. I hear what you're saying about thinking that your family will be better off without you. They won't. You're situation breaks my heart. I could see the young, innocent you walking up to your house. I'm so sorry the 13 year old was hurt and that the pain has basically taken over your life. It feels like you plan to ctb because there's nothing better to do, yet your words seem to reveal this might not be the time.

I have three cats, too, and 4 ferals I take care of. StarZe is my large male, part Maine Coon. I was in the parking lot at a pet shop (my son needed crickets every week and we were there every Saturday after bowling). A car drove up - it was hot, and they had the windows down. The driver asked for directions to the pound. I bent down and looked in the car, and the other woman was holding a panting cat. I asked what was wrong. Nothing. There were just too many cats. They told me the cat was female. All I knew was I was going to be taking that cat home, and I planned to call her Angel. It seemed like she'd been sent to me.

I said, "I'll take her," and they passed her to me through the window. My son rolled his eyes ( we had 5 cats at home then), and we went into the pet shop. This cat stayed in my arms for 20 minutes in the store. If she was pregnant, they said they'd take the kittens. We got home and I learned my girl was actually a boy, so I came up with StarZe because it still seemed like an angelic name. And he has been a blessing. I write this because I am still going to hope a blessing comes along for you, as soon as possible. I will support whatever decision you make. Just hoping for a miracle.

 

[ghostspace]

I'm still going to hope for a miracle. I hear what you're saying about thinking that your family will be better off without you. They won't. You're situation breaks my heart. I could see the young, innocent you walking up to your house. I'm so sorry the 13 year old was hurt and that the pain has basically taken over your life. It feels like you plan to ctb because there's nothing better to do, yet your words seem to reveal this might not be the time.

I have three cats, too, and 4 ferals I take care of. StarZe is my large male, part Maine Coon. I was in the parking lot at a pet shop (my son needed crickets every week and we were there every Saturday after bowling). A car drove up - it was hot, and they had the windows down. The driver asked for directions to the pound. I bent down and looked in the car, and the other woman was holding a panting cat. I asked what was wrong. Nothing. There were just too many cats. They told me the cat was female. All I knew was I was going to be taking that cat home, and I planned to call her Angel. It seemed like she'd been sent to me.

I said, "I'll take her," and they passed her to me through the window. My son rolled his eyes ( we had 5 cats at home then), and we went into the pet shop. This cat stayed in my arms for 20 minutes in the store. If she was pregnant, they said they'd take the kittens. We got home and I learned my girl was actually a boy, so I came up with StarZe because it still seemed like an angelic name. And he has been a blessing. I write this because I am still going to hope a blessing comes along for you, as soon as possible. I will support whatever decision you make. Just hoping for a miracle.

They won't be better off without me, but I am a financial burden due to how dependent I still am.

I'm hoping for a miracle, too. These situations are not the only reason I want to CTB, they're just the tipping point where I no longer have the energy to fight through the emotional pain the sudden lack of support will cause.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Oh @ghostspace that's so sad and unfair I'm so sorry you have to go through all this suffering. I wish I could help.

 

[ghostspace]

Oh @ghostspace that's so sad and unfair I'm so sorry you have to go through all this suffering. I wish I could help.

Me, too. I feel absolutely hopeless. I don't want her to leave me, I can feel my time running out. My life was never going to be anything anyways.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

hello sweet Friend ♡

yes, I am on disability but have exhausted all options for mental health care in my area. I don't want another therapist, I can't feel safe with another and it would just make me feel worse.

I've changed my CTB date to June 24th (or up until July if it takes that long) in order to see each member of my family because I owe them a goodbye and all my love.

It frustrates me to know I'm not the only one in this situation. I want to hug someone tightly so that it achors me here while I still am; I always feel like I'm floating away.
UPDATE: I will be leaving at the end of June/beginning of July.

As soon as I see my family and spend time with them. I'm torn between packing up my apartment in the meantime, or just leaving everything as is. I don't know what would be best for everyone I leave behind.

Yep. Know how you felt about bpd attachment to therapist, and the safety aspect as well. Hope you have a pleasant time for your last few weeks. Remember that you don't have to do it if you are not prepared to.
I'm tempted to ask you to save a seat for me.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Hi. I dont know your story or what has lead you to this point. I just want you to know that I can relate to your feelings. I am 22 and a part of me wants to die, but I am afraid of pain and what will happen after death. Surely some people might miss me, but life is hard enough. I have dealt with enough and abuse and crap that has made living an battle not worth trying. Whatever choice you make, I do hope you find peace. You deserve it

 

[limpingtowardfreedom]

I'm sorry I haven't been in touch. I hope you're still out there somewhere, I will feel just completely godawful for not responding sooner if you aren't, just horrible, you've been on my mind constantly, things have just been very hard for me lately.

I know, I know how hard it is to start over with therapists. after I lost the best therapist I ever had due to financial issues I went years before I got another one, years that I needed a therapist more than ever. And the abandonment issues... trust me, I know. Having to go through the whole backlog of history again...

Most of all, just finding one that could seem even remotely like they are on your level feels like it takes so much effort, effort and time, and all that time is time where you don't have a therapist to help you through the process of... finding a therapist.

So 99% of the time it was too exhausting to even work on this, and so I just went years without it. But eventually I realized, it doesn't have to be this way. I may as well have *something*, even if it's temporary. So I just went with the closest local therapist who seemed remotely up my alley while I continued to live my life, and you know what?

It made it livable. Not good, but even a bad therapist is so much better than no therapist because of how monumentally high my standards were because I recognized how much help I needed. I was able to get some of the basics to keep me grounded and connected to reality and not just lost in a world of my own misery inside my head, even if my biggest needs weren't fulfilled, and that absolutely counts for something even if it doesn't feel like it. I only wished I'd done it sooner.

The loss of money isn't a huge deathblow either. One of the best therapists I ever had was only a social worker, paid with medicaid.

No matter if you go through with it or not, i really hope you wait. if you have until september SO many things could happen before then.

I see from your posts that you're only 22. And I was exhausted too by the time I was 22, don't get me wrong. But you're still young, and there's a long time before you can say that everything will always be that way. And the only reason I ever found that out was that both my attempts to kill myself at your age failed due to dumb luck. Obviously I'm back here so i'm not going to tell you the world is all puppies and roses, but in the time between then and now i got to grow as a person, find out much of who I am and what I want, and experience some incredible, wonderful things that I would never have gotten to if I'd succeeded in dying back then. You have such a long time, and that's exhausting, but so much can easily change. I was positive that I'd seen all there was to see, but although it wasn't all good, I wasn't even close, and I can guarantee that you aren't either. I'm 33 now, and I wish I wasn't going to die, but I am. I don't think I could ever say I've had a good life, but I'm so glad for the good things in the years between and would not go back to that first time and take them away if I could.

I'm mentally ill too, and though I don't have BPD I would strongly recommend to remember that often it is this illness that is holding the reins, determining perception, and you're to a degree at its mercy. When making decisions about your life and whether to continue it this puts you at a huge disadvantage for determining if your judgment about possible futures is true and correct.

Now I don't know if you'll ever come back, god I hope you do or I will feel incredibly shitty for not being there after offering my help, even if nothing I said affected your decision, but just to start, I'm assuming from your posts, because you said you receive disability, that your insurance you mentioned having is medicare. I apologize if this isn't true, I intend to provide more resources in the future either way, but just to start, here are some people in knox county that take medicare. You don't have to make any decisions, just look at their faces, scroll through, see if you can see anyone who might possibly see you. Not like, take you as a client, I mean someone that could possibly know what you mean, even slightly. It can be exhausting to sift through all the information, but just to start, look at some faces and click on a couple if you feel like it.

Find Medicare Therapists and Psychologists in Knox County - Psychology Today

Find the Right Medicare Therapist in Knox County - Brittany Tyler, LCSW; Susan Stirewalt, LPC, MHSP; Dustin Lamport, PhD; Kenneth A. Williams, LPC, MHSP; Diana Brown Taylor, LCSW; Rebecca Yaklic, PysD; Tamra Snook LCSW Counseling, LCSW; Kristin Kimberlain, LMSW

www.psychologytoday.com

If you don't have medicare, or medicaid which can help cover some of the additional costs, I have experience with getting through this process and can help you navigate it without too much stress.

The loss of ketamine will be a big hurt, there's no way to sugarcoat that. Maybe if you can find a therapist setup that's paid for, it can still be managed. If not, this doesn't mean there's no alternative options for you. If not, there are some alternatives that may be very similar or even more effective, yet cheaper in the long run. I know figuring things out can be exhausting, but you were barely holding on as it was, so maybe change to radical new ideas can be exciting? Have you ever looked into DMT? There's much that has been very promising in the same vein as ketamine, possibly even far more effective, yet from what I know it is much less of the cost. That's just one example. There will be people who can do the heavy lifting for you, so you don't have to figure all this out on your own.

If you're still out there, I'll do everything I can to help you find your way a path that works, and I promise to be regularly available. From your posts about your life, I think there's a good chance we're very similar people, and I might not ever understand how you've suffered, but I think I could have gone through similar enough experiences that I can help you figure out how to get to a point where your needs are at least somewhat fulfilled. I only hope that you consider the possibilities, and most of all that you'll ever see this. I really really really hope that.