Red
Warlock
- Apr 10, 2019
- 744
Having had more energy of late and being able to actually do physically constructive stuff, I've also had more time to try to forge and maintain relationships again and to be able to properly observe and reflect on things going on around me…
Despite all this forward motion it's really hard not to feel totally disheartened right now. Most of my "family" and "friends" have long faded away since I fell ill quite some time ago. I've reconnected with a lovely female friend lately, which has been really great, but the poor girl herself has also been thoroughly put through the wringer of late and my heart aches for her - her parents especially have been awful (just like mine), leaving her to face it alone without even a basic inquiry into how she might be getting on, let alone any help. She's so nice yet gets so much shit?? It's awful when you try your best to be good and positive and life still kicks you in the face! I just seem to spend most of my time baffled by just how senselessly cruel and unfeeling people can be. This has been the prevailing feeling since FOREVER - confusion and befuddlement at just how furious some people can be just at the very existence of another..?
From despairing for another hapless soul's struggle to my own; I'm dreading this coming weekend as I'm scheduled to have a "heart to heart" with my mother in law (who blatantly hates me for reasons as of yet unrevealed) n m totally bricking it. I was the one who suggested it (although I most certainly didn't use the phrase "heart to heart") as I want to attempt to clear the air and make good before the wedding, but am utterly terrified of how it's going to go. I hate having to be the one to try to solve the issue when she's twice my age and obviously thinks she's so much better than me, why can't she just grow up n get over herself without having to be called out on it like a bloody child?? After nine years of me watching my p's and q's, trying to win her over and treading on a very unstable emotional tightrope around her, she should have gotten used to the idea of me being around by now! Passive aggressive remarks, giving me side eye and downright death glares for tiny stuff she doesn't bat an eye at anyone else doing - at times she's even forgotten to be passive and just be outright AGGRESSIVE and it just can't be ignored any longer - I cut members of my own "family" out of my life for this kind of thing and I'll be damned if I'm going to let some dumpy old bat with emotional constipation project her own insecurities out onto me and make me feel like shit whenever I'm in her ungracious presence!
Struggling with witnessing the harsh side of human nature right now and of finding contempt and indifference where there should be love and support, or at the very least a bit of bloody consideration. Trying very hard to be grateful for the things and few people I do have, but tired from this familiar yet tiresome uphill struggle yet again when I should be enjoying the run up to what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life.
Even the exact right words are alluding me right now, I'm expressing this very clumsily but it's all swirling around my head, banging against the sides and making me feel really awful. I'd been doing so well and feeling so strong but this dip feels hella scary and I just can't get out, it just feels like the same old story, only with new actors playing those same old clichéd roles… it all just comes back again and again and I think, it's got to be me, the problem has got to be me again but I don't even know what I'm doing so wrong, I'm trying so hard again and it still isn't good enough, again. Will I ever be good enough or am I just destined to keep doing this forever, in this constant state of treading on eggshells around various different inexplicably angry women who seem offended by my very existence? It doesn't seem to matter how I play my role, what words I say - I've evolved and learned to face it differently each time, yet even when I'm on my very best behaviour and, according to people watching this goddamn poovie (poo movie), am doing the best of what I could possibly do in the situation, the bint on the other side STILL somehow feels justified in kicking off and lashing out - is there actually any avoiding it?? What's the point of even trying if nothing is ever good enough?!
So sick of trying to please and placate people who are determined to be miserable and downright vicious, making whatever their problem is mine, despite my efforts to be cool and calm and kind… How dare I continue to live, breathe and attempt to identify and solve problems that cause my (in this case OUR) most precious loved ones pain and anguish!!
It's a constant battle that I feel doomed to face over and over again, like some sort of demented Groundhog Day, until it finally runs me so far into the ground that the only energy I'll have left is to reach up and scoop the displaced soil over my own head and finally be done with it all…
Bitches be so damn crazy - I will be an emotional punch bag no longer. Oh and I'm definitely recording the entire exchange in case of tomfuckery; better to have proof of exactly what was said and not need it than the other way around!
TLDR: Cliché monster in law making life a misery by being (not so) secretly angry and jabby at me ALL THE TIME. Anyone else been in this situation n got any advice I can utilise for our make or break chat this weekend, less than a month before I'm due to marry her son??
Despite all this forward motion it's really hard not to feel totally disheartened right now. Most of my "family" and "friends" have long faded away since I fell ill quite some time ago. I've reconnected with a lovely female friend lately, which has been really great, but the poor girl herself has also been thoroughly put through the wringer of late and my heart aches for her - her parents especially have been awful (just like mine), leaving her to face it alone without even a basic inquiry into how she might be getting on, let alone any help. She's so nice yet gets so much shit?? It's awful when you try your best to be good and positive and life still kicks you in the face! I just seem to spend most of my time baffled by just how senselessly cruel and unfeeling people can be. This has been the prevailing feeling since FOREVER - confusion and befuddlement at just how furious some people can be just at the very existence of another..?
From despairing for another hapless soul's struggle to my own; I'm dreading this coming weekend as I'm scheduled to have a "heart to heart" with my mother in law (who blatantly hates me for reasons as of yet unrevealed) n m totally bricking it. I was the one who suggested it (although I most certainly didn't use the phrase "heart to heart") as I want to attempt to clear the air and make good before the wedding, but am utterly terrified of how it's going to go. I hate having to be the one to try to solve the issue when she's twice my age and obviously thinks she's so much better than me, why can't she just grow up n get over herself without having to be called out on it like a bloody child?? After nine years of me watching my p's and q's, trying to win her over and treading on a very unstable emotional tightrope around her, she should have gotten used to the idea of me being around by now! Passive aggressive remarks, giving me side eye and downright death glares for tiny stuff she doesn't bat an eye at anyone else doing - at times she's even forgotten to be passive and just be outright AGGRESSIVE and it just can't be ignored any longer - I cut members of my own "family" out of my life for this kind of thing and I'll be damned if I'm going to let some dumpy old bat with emotional constipation project her own insecurities out onto me and make me feel like shit whenever I'm in her ungracious presence!
Struggling with witnessing the harsh side of human nature right now and of finding contempt and indifference where there should be love and support, or at the very least a bit of bloody consideration. Trying very hard to be grateful for the things and few people I do have, but tired from this familiar yet tiresome uphill struggle yet again when I should be enjoying the run up to what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life.
Even the exact right words are alluding me right now, I'm expressing this very clumsily but it's all swirling around my head, banging against the sides and making me feel really awful. I'd been doing so well and feeling so strong but this dip feels hella scary and I just can't get out, it just feels like the same old story, only with new actors playing those same old clichéd roles… it all just comes back again and again and I think, it's got to be me, the problem has got to be me again but I don't even know what I'm doing so wrong, I'm trying so hard again and it still isn't good enough, again. Will I ever be good enough or am I just destined to keep doing this forever, in this constant state of treading on eggshells around various different inexplicably angry women who seem offended by my very existence? It doesn't seem to matter how I play my role, what words I say - I've evolved and learned to face it differently each time, yet even when I'm on my very best behaviour and, according to people watching this goddamn poovie (poo movie), am doing the best of what I could possibly do in the situation, the bint on the other side STILL somehow feels justified in kicking off and lashing out - is there actually any avoiding it?? What's the point of even trying if nothing is ever good enough?!
So sick of trying to please and placate people who are determined to be miserable and downright vicious, making whatever their problem is mine, despite my efforts to be cool and calm and kind… How dare I continue to live, breathe and attempt to identify and solve problems that cause my (in this case OUR) most precious loved ones pain and anguish!!
It's a constant battle that I feel doomed to face over and over again, like some sort of demented Groundhog Day, until it finally runs me so far into the ground that the only energy I'll have left is to reach up and scoop the displaced soil over my own head and finally be done with it all…
Bitches be so damn crazy - I will be an emotional punch bag no longer. Oh and I'm definitely recording the entire exchange in case of tomfuckery; better to have proof of exactly what was said and not need it than the other way around!
TLDR: Cliché monster in law making life a misery by being (not so) secretly angry and jabby at me ALL THE TIME. Anyone else been in this situation n got any advice I can utilise for our make or break chat this weekend, less than a month before I'm due to marry her son??
