Venting “Good days” make me feel like I’m faking

[LakeMungoGirl]

Whenever I experience a day that doesn't suck as bad as the one before it, when I actually manage to feel a sliver of hope that my situation will improve even though i know it's impossible, it makes me feel like I'm faking everything. My depression, my suicidality— everything. It makes me question whether I'm actually suicidal or just a horrible person who derives pleasure from the idea of hurting everyone around me with my death.

It's confusing, and I wish I had a better explanation for it. Does anyone else experience something similar? Am I actually just a bad person?

 

[U. A.]

Am I actually just a bad person?

No. Nature of the beast - I'd guess on your bad days you feel equally as if those good ones couldn't possibly exist. We appear to be masters of convincing ourselves that whatever present we experience is incomprehensibly actually eternal.

 

[LakeMungoGirl]

No. Nature of the beast - I'd guess on your bad days you feel equally as if those good ones couldn't possibly exist. We appear to be masters of convincing ourselves that whatever present we experience is incomprehensibly actually eternal.

That's beautifully said, thank you. I've come across your posts before and you always manage to explain yourself so cogently.

 

[gunmetalblue11]

You are not a bad person. I actually have something to say but it might be slightly out of subject. I have known people who are in pain, and mental suffering. But we're convinced they are unjustified to be feeling like this, because maybe they have nothing to anchor it to, or feel like they haven't "been through enough trauma" or any at all to find and relate to others. So they will actually lie about events that have happened to them. Particularly a close friend of mine, who years later when I asked admitted it was a lie.
I find that sad. And the guilt must be harrowing. I guess this is just to say, even if you feel like you are "faking", someone who is not in some kind of inherent suffering would be wouldn't be faking in the first place. All pain is valid.
There can be so many reasons for distress, some medical, some unknown to yourself yet, and maybe sometimes even none at all.

 

[always_a_crossroads]

I hear you.
It doesn't make you a bad person.
There's probably a lot of conditioning that goes into it.

I get that too, in various flavours. Right now I'm actually in the process of trying to unravel where it's coming from, because it's annoying as hell and keeps me stuck in place. I identified at least 4 different sources in my case, and I think there's at least a few more.
There's internalized stigma and social conditioning - hard not to buy into it when you grew up being told "it's all in your head", "you're just trying to get attention", "other people have it so much worse", and so on.
There's fear of being invalidated and losing others' sympathy and support - "if I don't suffer genuinely enough, people will assume I'm fine, and they'll withdraw whatever patience and compassion they had for me".
There's fear of being judged incompetent - "if I feel better for even a little, others will expect me to Do More and Get Better, and I don't know if I can".
And there's a false dichotomy that my brain tries to trap me in - "either I feel OK, and therefore I should Be Functional and shouldn't want to die; or I want to be dead, and therefore I should have no positive feelings and shouldn't function at all". It's hard to get my brain to accept that it can be aspects of both, not just one or the other.