Venting good child syndrome.

[bumoshi]

I feel so much pain that I can't describe in words, I feel so much alone in the world. Future seems terrifying, full of pain and misery. I really want to exist peacefully. I can't stop crying. It's so much unbearable.
I want to be what my parents wants me to be, and be proud of that and be proud of me. I want to be 12 years old again, where I didn't need to study to pass and they were proud, happy, they didn't think badly of me.
I want to go back to being like before and not say "no" to anything, and to think that I am still the same kind and hard working child that I was, I just want you to be proud of me again, I want you to tell me compliments again and how well I do things.
I want them to hug me again and say they love me like before. Why can't I be a good boy like I was and be quiet? Why did I have to screw up everything so much?
Starting to suspend, repeat a course, then another, they don't think I'm a good boy anymore, I'm just someone unable to do anything, who can't leave his room, who has no friends and that he is not capable of making new ones.
A child who does not gets into trouble, who helps others and did not care if they said bad things to him.
I just want to go back to being like before and to be told beautiful things, I want to go back to the moment where I still hadn't screwed things up for being the way I am.
And even now I have to bother them, even after everything I put them through, I deserve to be yelled at or told such things like "why you don't try harder, you're so fucking lazy, get up a do something for fuck sake, why you're not like before, when you were such a good kid, why did you change so much".
I can't take it anymore, I'm sick of it, I don't want them to keep thinking of me like that, I want them to see me as proud as they did before, they think of me like a disappoint, the person in front of them who doesn't know how to do anything, who is useless.
I want everyone to love me again, please, is that too much to ask?
I don't need a psychologist if they don't want, I don't need medication if they don't want, I just want them to stop seeing me as a horrible disappointment and not to be compared to the rest, I know I'm not good even a bit, and, you're right, maybe I'm not trying hard as I think I was doing, but I don't know what else to do now, when I can't even get out of bed, pick up the room like I did before.
I am nothing and nobody, and I want to be something and I want to be someone.
It hurts a lot, am I not a good boy? I'm not, why?
I want everyone to love me more and more, love me more, so much until it is maddening for me. It really hurts, it hurts a lot, I want to undo this curse, please, can't I stop it?
I don't care what I have to do to please others, it scares me to get so angry because they can't always give me the sick love I want them to give me, it will never be enough.
But with them, even in their worst moments, the ones where you only want to scream and hit someone, I wouldn't leave them, them can do with me what them want and do you know why?
I know that if they are the one who destroys me, nothing could worry me, them could rebuild and shape me to their liking and I would never complain about anything, I would do everything if it was the best for everyone, I do not care what to do, I would only do it if I could please them, not only to my parents, to each and every person I "love".
I want to be enough for everyone, I don't care what I need to do, I will do it.
They can vent everything that bothers them in this life, they can be cruel and they can be aggressive, I will bear everything as long as they appreciate me, that someday they will see that I would do everything for that acceptance that I need, because I need it very much, my god.
I am a person emotionally dependent on anyone who comes close to me, even if it's only a little. Forgive me for being a burden, I know that it is not easy to deal with someone as obsessive as I am, that they may not feel like it or that they sometimes want to distance themselves from me, I have no problem with that, all as long as them never have a bad time because of me, I just want the best for everyone without them worrying about me.
I've been thinking a lot about how I could have fixed this.
maybe i would have been happy. maybe i would be able to talk to people without feeling like they hate me all the time. maybe every ignored text wouldn't have me cutting lines into my hip and punishing myself over and over for being so fucking fucking stupid.
god, if i had been less stupid, less fucking stupid, just, less of a fucking idiot, maybe i wouldn't want to disappear so badly, and everyone would be proud of me, maybe my parents, my friends, my family in general would not think that I'm an absolute idiot.

 

[KLUF]

Submitting to your parents' demands is not right. They brought you to this world and you did not ask for it. Because of that they actually have no right to make you what they want you to be. It is YOUR life now and has been since your birth.

I think they want you to be what they failed to become when they were at your age. Do NOT submit to that. What they are doing is selfish and if they say they are proud of you love means they are simply satisfied with your work. If they ever say you are a "disappointment" do not take it seriously.

Good luck

 

[Iamamistake]

I feel so much pain that I can't describe in words, I feel so much alone in the world. Future seems terrifying, full of pain and misery. I really want to exist peacefully. I can't stop crying. It's so much unbearable.
I want to be what my parents wants me to be, and be proud of that and be proud of me. I want to be 12 years old again, where I didn't need to study to pass and they were proud, happy, they didn't think badly of me.
I want to go back to being like before and not say "no" to anything, and to think that I am still the same kind and hard working child that I was, I just want you to be proud of me again, I want you to tell me compliments again and how well I do things.
I want them to hug me again and say they love me like before. Why can't I be a good boy like I was and be quiet? Why did I have to screw up everything so much?
Starting to suspend, repeat a course, then another, they don't think I'm a good boy anymore, I'm just someone unable to do anything, who can't leave his room, who has no friends and that he is not capable of making new ones.
A child who does not gets into trouble, who helps others and did not care if they said bad things to him.
I just want to go back to being like before and to be told beautiful things, I want to go back to the moment where I still hadn't screwed things up for being the way I am.
And even now I have to bother them, even after everything I put them through, I deserve to be yelled at or told such things like "why you don't try harder, you're so fucking lazy, get up a do something for fuck sake, why you're not like before, when you were such a good kid, why did you change so much".
I can't take it anymore, I'm sick of it, I don't want them to keep thinking of me like that, I want them to see me as proud as they did before, they think of me like a disappoint, the person in front of them who doesn't know how to do anything, who is useless.
I want everyone to love me again, please, is that too much to ask?
I don't need a psychologist if they don't want, I don't need medication if they don't want, I just want them to stop seeing me as a horrible disappointment and not to be compared to the rest, I know I'm not good even a bit, and, you're right, maybe I'm not trying hard as I think I was doing, but I don't know what else to do now, when I can't even get out of bed, pick up the room like I did before.
I am nothing and nobody, and I want to be something and I want to be someone.
It hurts a lot, am I not a good boy? I'm not, why?
I want everyone to love me more and more, love me more, so much until it is maddening for me. It really hurts, it hurts a lot, I want to undo this curse, please, can't I stop it?
I don't care what I have to do to please others, it scares me to get so angry because they can't always give me the sick love I want them to give me, it will never be enough.
But with them, even in their worst moments, the ones where you only want to scream and hit someone, I wouldn't leave them, them can do with me what them want and do you know why?
I know that if they are the one who destroys me, nothing could worry me, them could rebuild and shape me to their liking and I would never complain about anything, I would do everything if it was the best for everyone, I do not care what to do, I would only do it if I could please them, not only to my parents, to each and every person I "love".
I want to be enough for everyone, I don't care what I need to do, I will do it.
They can vent everything that bothers them in this life, they can be cruel and they can be aggressive, I will bear everything as long as they appreciate me, that someday they will see that I would do everything for that acceptance that I need, because I need it very much, my god.
I am a person emotionally dependent on anyone who comes close to me, even if it's only a little. Forgive me for being a burden, I know that it is not easy to deal with someone as obsessive as I am, that they may not feel like it or that they sometimes want to distance themselves from me, I have no problem with that, all as long as them never have a bad time because of me, I just want the best for everyone without them worrying about me.
I've been thinking a lot about how I could have fixed this.
maybe i would have been happy. maybe i would be able to talk to people without feeling like they hate me all the time. maybe every ignored text wouldn't have me cutting lines into my hip and punishing myself over and over for being so fucking fucking stupid.
god, if i had been less stupid, less fucking stupid, just, less of a fucking idiot, maybe i wouldn't want to disappear so badly, and everyone would be proud of me, maybe my parents, my friends, my family in general would not think that I'm an absolute idiot.

If "love" or "being a good boy for your parents" is getting proportional to your behaviour or your feeling up or down or whatever, then that's clearly a red sign. I k that a single message can't help or convince of anything, but having an emotional abusive and dysfunctional family there's one thing that helps me hate myself a lil less~ you don't owe anyone who treats you according to their convenience. This is completely subjective, not against your parents or in your support, but parents should love their child "when they're being good" as well as "when they aren't being good."
If you feel like seeing a psychologist or councillor or having medication, you could try talking to your parents, and I do realise that it must be a tough spot if you aren't financially independent and they refuse so.
The thing that helped me feel a lil better~ for whatever reason~ is researching about dysfunctional family and toxic parents, many a times we start to perceive the way our parents carry out parenting to be correct and don't manage to see faults.
Hey, good luck with whatever you do next, and you hope that if you feel like venting again, you do have a place to express yourself. ^^

 

[Red]

Agreed - their expectations exist in their heads only, it is not your job to turn their dreams into reality