Gonna finally ctb tonight

[Broadland]

I've been suffering for years but since I got sick back in November I've been having horrible fucking symptoms that have made everything so much more unbearable.

Especially the complete insomnia where I literally cannot feel sleepy No matter what meds I take

It's been over a month and no doctor can help me

I went to the er so many times because I keep on frequently peeing despite barely drinking water Feeling more and more disoriented, short of breath, severe nausea, extreme sensitivity to sound, etc etc

This horrible burning feeling on my body too
It used to last less than an hour before but now it lasts so much longer



All my bloodwork is always normal and they send me back home
Every test they did is all clear My oxygen levels are always above 95%

It's been getting worse and worse every week

I just want to end things today because if I don't do it now I won't be able to do it anymore and I'll suffer a fate much worse than SN poisoning

I'm just barely able to function by drinking a shitton of water to make up for all the water I pee out

I have a hidden place I can go to.
50 g of SN from IC bought in late 2021
Propranolol (after they saw how crazy my heartrate would get just standing up they gave me some after begging every doc I saw for weeks)
Rolaids antacid


I have been too brain damaged for too long to feel anything But on some level I really just wanted to get better and stay with my family To be okay, to spend as much time as I could with them but I can't even lie down in bed without constantly suffering from my symptoms now
There is no more relief no matter what
I've been fasting since 1pm EST

And no water since 5pm

Hopefully I can tolerat a lack of water for long enough to take everything.

Gonna follow Stan s stat dose.
Just need to be able to sneak to the basement unseen
All the stuff I need is all in there
And I'm gonna go and lie down in the recovery position so I hopefully won't come in my vomit if I end up throwing up.

 

[Broadland]

Didn't go through with it this night.
Of course I'm completely unable to sleep.
And my mouth is sooo dry despite drinking water now
Of course I still can't stop peeing...

This feels horrible but I gotta wait till tomorrow at the very least.

 

[flesh object]

I'm very sorry for what you have to go through, I assume that this is what you want to do, and It's very sad to see you go.

I just wanted to say that I'm proud of you for making it this far.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I'm sorry you're suffering so much. Hopefully you can get some relief from it soon, but it sucks that the severity of your symptoms forced you into this situation. It just sucks you're not able to spend time with your family like you wanted.

 

[Broadland]

I'm very sorry for what you have to go through, I assume that this is what you want to do, and It's very sad to see you go.

I just wanted to say that I'm proud of you for making it this far.

Thanks for the reply.
I really tried everything I could these last 2.5 months and have exhausted my savings to no avail.
As much as I wish that things can go back to how they were before I doubt that's possible at this point.

If I wasn't so completely numb I'd feel horrible for my mom since she tried her absolute best helping me and has been really stressed out seeing me suffer.

But at this point I'm left with no choice as I only seem to be getting even worse with each passing day and might not even be able to kill myself if I wait any longer.

I can only hope that she can understand why I had to do this given the circumstances.

 

[alivefornow]

I'm sorry to read those things you have been through. I know what it feels like to be in constant relentless pain. Good luck in your journey, whichever path you choose. We will be here for you in case you choose to stay.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds beyond horrific what you have to endure, this world really is hell so I hope that you find freedom from the torture.

 

[GasMonkey]

See you on the Other Side.

 

[Parsley]

Sounds horrible. No one should have to suffer that much.You mentioned that you got sick in November. Maybe you had COVID infection?

 

[Dubito]

You are really brave. My symptoms also getting worse every weak but unfortunatly SI is still too strong. Im afraid that I wait too long. Wish you a good journey and hopefully peace.

 

[grvsniper]

Hopefully this isnt too late but please tough it out. I know that sounds like a bull shit statement but there will be one doctor that can correctly diagnose you. I promise.

 

[Broadland]

Hopefully this isnt too late but please tough it out. I know that sounds like a bull shit statement but there will be one doctor that can correctly diagnose you. I promise.

Believe me, I'm trying.
While I got everything ready I still haven't fasted today yet.
If the burning flare-ups don't get too bad and make me even more suicidal I'll try to get a blood test done for inflammation and beg my family doctor to put me on a low dose of corticosteroids.
That apparently helped other people with long covid symptoms.
I can only hope it'll be the case for me.

 

[Jarni]

Believe me, I'm trying.
While I got everything ready I still haven't fasted today yet.
If the burning flare-ups don't get too bad and make me even more suicidal I'll try to get a blood test done for inflammation and beg my family doctor to put me on a low dose of corticosteroids.
That apparently helped other people with long covid symptoms.
I can only hope it'll be the case for me.

Long Covid is one of the worst illnesses ever :-( I have this too....(my only reason to ctb)...
You may have a viral persistance, so corticoids could be dangerous as it reduces your immunity. Rather curcumin, Famotidine, PEA, luteolin, black seed oil, Bifidobacterium longum are to try against inflammation of LC.

 

[Broadland]

Everything is worse
So fucking overwhelming
I have to do it tonight
I can't take any more

I hope I can just barely focus enough to do everything properly
It's so fucking difficult
I have to start fasting now
Be ready by 12am


Can black seed oil interact with Zoloft or something?
Is this why I am doing worse today?
Not that I was ok before but holy shit

Makes me wary of taking meto as well as I don't want serotonin syndrome

It already made me feel weird and uncomfortable when I tried it out back in 2021

 

[Maríasp]

I had a similar problem, I couldn't leave the house for more than half an hour, after years the doctor prescribed me solifenacin for an overactive bladder and it's going great for me now I can last hours and hours, there is also antidiuretic medication I didn't even know they existed and my life has changed I hope it helps you, and a silly question, have you been tested for diabetes? Can't you go to another doctor? a hug!

 

[Broadland]

Gonna do it tonight.
12am est
Already fasting

 

[Shivali]

May you find what you are looking for

 

[Broadland]

I'm doing it because of this constant burning feeling. Especially in my back and back of neck.
Can't even lie down now.
I should have never accepted taking sertraline/Zoloft in the hospital.
Its only 25mg but this burning feeling has been getting worse and worse.
It's been a bit over 2 weeks.
I'm scared to discontinue it at this point as it might get worse.
I've been getting this horrible bad balance as well these last 3-4 days.
Even when lying down...

 

[jessisme]

I'm doing it because of this constant burning feeling. Especially in my back and back of neck.
Can't even lie down now.
I should have never accepted taking sertraline/Zoloft in the hospital.
Its only 25mg but this burning feeling has been getting worse and worse.
It's been a bit over 2 weeks.
I'm scared to discontinue it at this point as it might get worse.
I've been getting this horrible bad balance as well these last 3-4 days.
Even when lying down...

I hope this brings you what you are hoping for and that you will no longer suffer. Love and prayers to you. xo, j

 

[PeterRabbit]

Finding a good doctor is hard as hell but amazing when it actually happens. I know not everyone can go from doc to doc financially or otherwise but there are some out there that will treat you like a human being with empathy that actually keep up with the literature and are able to connect dots that others couldn't. I really hope that industry improves, maybe with AI or something so people that need help can really get it and not have everything labeled "psychosomatic".

My first ask for help was to my general doctor decades ago. I gathered up the courage to say "I am fighting some depression I'd really like some help." Because everything else in my life appeared to be in order they didn't take me seriously. Inside I was absolutely SCREAMING and every day was a struggle. But timid old non offensive me who is always more worried about being polite than advocating for myself just says "I think I need some help." I got brushed off with a "Everyone has hard times sometimes. Just eat better and exercise more."

Years later I've lost my job, my insurance and family. I always wonder what things would have been like if I really was helped back then.

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

Per ardua ad astra

 

[Dominicka]

I hope you find much deserved peace!

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I am so so sorry for all the pain you've had to endure. I'm here for you if you need to talk and just know that whichever decision you make will be what's best for you.

 

[Dominicka]

Any update? How are you doing?

 

[depressedcooc]

rest in peace

 

[Broadland]

I'm not dead yet but wish I was.
I am so much worse with the brain fog, detachment and confusion
I can barely do anything.
If I don't so something tonight I don't think I'll be capable of CTBing anymore.
Idk what's wrong but it gets worse each passing day.
I really hate having to do this
I still hope that I'll somehow get better
But every medical professional finds nothing wrong and can't help me

I'll try to ctb tonight
I'll keep you updated as hard as that may be
Sorry mom... I know you tried your hardest to help me


Just 16 more hours left now...
I hope I can still get up from bed and take everything I need by then...

 

[embrace_release]

Man, I hope this will get better, it sounds horrible. I'm pretty sure doctors checked you for diabetes right? Cause immense water loss, trouble with concentration and insomnia are symptoms of untreated DT1/2

I know it's hard to find competent doctors who'll look into matters a bit deeper than surface level, I had the same experience often, luckily nothing as bad as your symptoms. But they're out there, it's just difficult to find them sometimes. Not trying to talk you out of freeing yourself from what seems like hell though. I wish you the best, either way.

 

[Broadland]

Man, I hope this will get better, it sounds horrible. I'm pretty sure doctors checked you for diabetes right? Cause immense water loss, trouble with concentration and insomnia are symptoms of untreated DT1/2

I know it's hard to find competent doctors who'll look into matters a bit deeper than surface level, I had the same experience often, luckily nothing as bad as your symptoms. But they're out there, it's just difficult to find them sometimes. Not trying to talk you out of freeing yourself from what seems like hell though. I wish you the best, either way.

They checked for every type of diabetes.
Even insipidus which only affects urination.

Also despite the propranolol my heartrate is going crazy whenever I stand up, let alone walk up and down the stairs.
It's like it's not working anymore or whatever was causing it to be this bad has gotten worse.

 

[SweetSacrifice]

Have you had your vitamin B12 levels checked? Deficiency can make you feel truly awful. It's not part of a FBC so doctors don't think to check it.

I spent months feeling dizzy, losing my balance, barely being able walk and getting breathless just going upstairs before I was diagnosed.

 

[Broadland]

Have you had your vitamin B12 levels checked? Deficiency can make you feel truly awful. It's not part of a FBC so doctors don't think to check it.

I spent months feeling dizzy, losing my balance, barely being able walk and getting breathless just going upstairs before I was diagnosed.

I didn't do a blood test but I've been taking sublingual b12 supplements
I also ate beef liver a few days ago
Maybe I have absorption issues in my gut?
Either way I did sleep around 5 hours after eating the liver but then the next night I couldn't at all.

I'm actually at the hospital rn and hoping they can give me something for my severe insomnia.

Hoping I can sleep a bit, even for the short term.
Recover just enough to barely function....

Still fasting btw