Going to university + planning ctb

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Hi. I want to know if someone else is going to university while planning ctb or similar situation and if so how you feel. It's strange. Probably I ctb before I graduate.That's almost a fact. And I feel stupid for going to university and studying while knowing that I will kill myself. At least I like what I study. Not everyone can say this. Some choose a career because of money not for passion for what they study.

 

[Walilamdzi]

What do you study? Maybe hang on and see what options you have, because maybe you can do something related to this thing which you like. Personally I had break downs when I started studying and couldn't even find out if I liked my course because I'm kicked off it. This is a major factor in me determining that my life has no future.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Please talk to your family or a doctor or someone you trusstt. My son killer himself last year. The pain he has left behind. Is intolerable. Medic3ation and therapy could have helped him and they can help you. There are many. Reasons. You can live well with help from. Others

I apreciate so much what you say but it's my life. I decide. And there are things out of my control.

What do you study? Maybe hang on and see what options you have, because maybe you can do something related to this thing which you like. Personally I had break downs when I started studying and couldn't even find out if I liked my course because I'm kicked off it. This is a major factor in me determining that my life has no future.

Software Engineering. I love computers and technology. I was studying Electronics Engineering but then changed my mind. I spent like 3 years and I think like I wasted my time that is contributing to my ctb thoughts. But I like what I'm studying now. That doesn't mean that I am not depressed or feeling angry with myself because of my stupid decisions. Also my perfectionist personality is leading me to suicide. I don't know if my mental health is getting worse because it's like I don't give a fuck while I'm doing all this. It's like a don't have fear of what could happen. If something goes wrong I kill myself and that's it.

 

[TAW122]

I'm in a similar situation too. I am going back to school in the Fall (already have degrees but haven't done much with them and don't really plan on living a long life either). I might not have the same reasons as you do, but some of mine include: not being able to fulfill my fantasy or dreams, always dealing with the same shit, people suck IRL (and will always be a permanent fixture), the pro-life, anti-choice society in which I live in (with no signs of it changing anytime soon - at least not in my lifetime), just to name a few.

I really hope you are able to find peace in whatever decision you make.

 

[Isadeth]

Yes. I have degrees but keep going back for continuing education. My last attempt put me inpatient. I was with a bunch of other college students due to my location of treatment being a big university nearby and they were allowed to have their books and studying resources. I was not allowed due to the subject matter and I fell behind. I resent them for that.

 

[maru.]

I'm depressed so i feel tired all of the time, and don't study.
Due to that i feel like a piece of shit, i feel guilty and get more depressed.
I also don't understand classes at all, i feel lost in them, but i don't try to change that because i feel too tired to do so.
Then i get more desperate for the exams, and more depressed.
When the time comes for studying for exams, i can't because i didn't learn anything, and i'm tired.
After that the exams come and i do like garbage, so i feel more depressed.
Rinse and repeat.
Fun.

 

[readytogo982]

If this is your first year of college, going through the experience of it may be a blessing for you. Meeting some new people and learning/experiencing new things may help change your perspective on things.

Either way, I hope you're able to find peace with whatever decision you make.

 

[EraseRewind]

Yes I'm at university, just finished my second year. I started at university to give me time to get through my list of things I need to do before I ctb. I've been in recovery from alcoholism for 5 years, I had a good job and lost it because I did bad things when drinking. I tried working but no one wants someone with a record, and my ctb attempts and mh history. So it uni till I finish my list, then I can ctb.

 

[merpmerp]

why go through the dread of studying? whats stopping you right now. i dont want you to do it because youre so young and really have no idea where your life will lead yet. but just curious

 

[laiduponit]

Hi. I want to know if someone else is going to university while planning ctb or similar situation and if so how you feel. It's strange. Probably I ctb before I graduate.That's almost a fact. And I feel stupid for going to university and studying while knowing that I will kill myself. At least I like what I study. Not everyone can say this. Some choose a career because of money not for passion for what they study.

I started University just last September while constantly having suicidal thoughts and even plans for my future. There reason I wen't to university is because it was an attempt at more freedom in my life, giving the false illustration to myself that it might make me feel better. Though, I have days where I feel slightly better as I have more freedom, I still ponder and often consider plans while studying - either as an escape or as a legitimate thought.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I started University just last September while constantly having suicidal thoughts and even plans for my future. There reason I wen't to university is because it was an attempt at more freedom in my life, giving the false illustration to myself that it might make me feel better. Though, I have days where I feel slightly better as I have more freedom, I still ponder and often consider plans while studying - either as an escape or as a legitimate thought.

It's difficult. Why studying if I'm going to kill myself? That's what I constantly ask myself. It's like I'm planning for 2 futures. My head is a mess right now and I don't like it. It's like a have to keep going but a part of me wants to die. An another part of me is already dead.

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

Hi. I want to know if someone else is going to university while planning ctb or similar situation and if so how you feel. It's strange. Probably I ctb before I graduate.That's almost a fact. And I feel stupid for going to university and studying while knowing that I will kill myself. At least I like what I study. Not everyone can say this. Some choose a career because of money not for passion for what they study.

I'm in the middle of getting my masters. And I've been planning to ctb since middle school

 

[laiduponit]

It's difficult. Why studying if I'm going to kill myself? That's what I constantly ask myself. It's like I'm planning for 2 futures. My head is a mess right now and I don't like it. It's like a have to keep going but a part of me wants to die. An another part of me is already dead.

It's not so much thinking about two futures as it is being sure to have a future if you ever decided no longer to commit suicide, that is the best way I'd phrase it honestly. If you just wasted your time and played games everyday and were unemployed with no prospects then you'll probably have even less incentive to want to try and make a new life or try and get out of the suicidal mindset as you would if you at least had a education behind you.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I can do both, I'm duel welding futeres here