Going to try one more treatment

[booplesnoot34]

I've been suffering from treatment-resistant depression for 17 years. I'm going to try one more thing: rTMS. Repetitive Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. It's like electroconvulsive therapy but won't wipe out my thyroid or memory. It has a 65-75% effectiveness rate. BUT, they are catches:

1. Most people don't go into remission. Just get moderately less depressed.

2. I have to go every day for 6 weeks. I'm in a wheelchair and this is a huge burden. I'm unsure if it's feasible.

3. The doctor said my depression is "complex" and intertwined with trauma… and rTMS doesn't work on trauma. The MDMA and mushroom trials do but there aren't any available to me at this time.

Ketamine is out of the question due to the nature of my trauma (rape) causing an essential need to be in control of my body at all times. ECT is more dangerous and not recommended since I'm already dealing with memory issues from PTSD. VNS isn't covered by insurance.

This is my last hope. I'm only doing it because my friend (with whom I am in love) urged me to try it.

If it doesn't work, I have no hope left to ever get better.

If it does work, I am afraid of what will become of me. I don't know who I am without my depression. It's all-encompassing. Will I like the person I become? I mean, I guess I won't get better. Just less depressed. Still, it's scary to lose that safety net of comfort and familiarity.

Anyone here try it? What were your experiences?

 

[thx1138]

I've never tried it, but just want to wish you good luck and hopefully a recovery. You deserve it. And you should never forget that you are more than your illness. The real you is not the depression, and your life will be better without it.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

If it does work, I am afraid of what will become of me. I don't know who I am without my depression. It's all-encompassing. Will I like the person I become? I mean, I guess I won't get better. Just less depressed. Still, it's scary to lose that safety net of comfort and familiarity.

Very interesting idea. Never thought of it, but now I see it too. What's after depression? Will I ever return to normal. What's normal anymore? Thank you for this post, it gives food for thought.

 

[BritishPaul]

Hope this recovery goes well!

 

[toro]

i hope the best for you! i understand your worry about changing, but recovery is a slow process even through methods like this, you might not even realise a change until its pointed out to you!! im sure however you change (if significant), itll be nothing but positive, like you said, people dont tend to go into remission, just become less depressed, so its likely you may just lose the more extreme aspects of your depression and still maintain your overall personality? sorry for the big ramble!!! TLDR im happy for you and wish you luck :D

 

[booplesnoot34]

So here's an update: I am on treatment 30 of 36. Even though we tried the three minute treatments and then increased to the 20 minute treatments, I don't really see a difference much. Maybe I'm more agitated and restless and exhausted because I had to get up really early to do it every day. My anxiety also got really bad. I'm not sure if I am feeling more disconnected from the world than usual. I think that I am just trying to focus on work and distractions. I really want to self-harm so badly but I don't want to get caught. I am falling back into porn addiction. I hate myself. I'm evil. I'm awful and I deserve to suffer.

 

[LittleJem]

So here's an update: I am on treatment 30 of 36. Even though we tried the three minute treatments and then increased to the 20 minute treatments, I don't really see a difference much. Maybe I'm more agitated and restless and exhausted because I had to get up really early to do it every day. My anxiety also got really bad. I'm not sure if I am feeling more disconnected from the world than usual. I think that I am just trying to focus on work and distractions. I really want to self-harm so badly but I don't want to get caught. I am falling back into porn addiction. I hate myself. I'm evil. I'm awful and I deserve to suffer.

Hi, I'm so sorry it hasn't worked for you. It's my suspicion that it really isn't that effective, they just use one research paper to say that it is. I also had rTMS and it worked for me for about two days, then back to my normal low experience. Along with medication, if they actually tracked the experience of people with rTMS outside of research papers, then there would be more realistic figures on how many people it helps. I really don't think it is 60 or 70%. If it was, people would be shouting about it and everyone would be going to do it.

Porn addiction - is a coping mechanism. It does not mean you are evil, just that you are looking for something to distract your mind.

MDMA is a beautiful experience. There are guidelines online for using it for trauma (see link below), though it requires very specialist therapists.

But the guidelines could be useful to anyone that would sit with you. See if you can get some on the dark net or something. I have never met a therapist with that level of experience that the guidelines require...but they must exist.

If nothing else, it could give you a break from the depression...

https://maps.org/research-archive/mdma/MDMA-Assisted-Psychotherapy-Treatment-Manual-Version7-19Aug15-FINAL.pdf