nembutal
everything will be okay in the end
- Jul 14, 2022
- 270
i asked my mom for a ride today and as soon as i stepped into the car she told me i look pathetic. if i were a few years younger i would have internalized it and added it to my list of "why my parents hate me and i should die to relieve their burden of me", but upon learning of how abusive my parents are during my teenage years i now stand up for myself. when i retaliated she asked me why i was raising my voice, to which i responded that it is an elementary principle taught in preschool that words hurt and that hatred spreads more hate. she couldn't understand me and started tearing up, playing the victim and asking where she "went wrong" to make me "this way" while exhibiting behavior of how she is continuing to "go wrong" to make me "this way". next time i see her i'll start mocking her clothing or calling her fat and watch her react the same way i did to her undermining of me.
today i walked into the kitchen trying to make some food and my father sneered and started yelling asking me if i was taking hormones because of the way i looked. i was doing absolutely NOTHING. i didn't even glance in his direction and he became disgusted at my appearance even though i was dressing as i usually do. he then goes on to mock the amount of food i was eating because i am bulimic. i tell him he has no right to question my behavior as is the pure definition of Pathetic- out of work and drinking all day, mooching off my mother and stealing my cash when he can.
today i will be texting my mother that i am killing myself soon. it will read as such:
"i will be killing myself soon. i try to survive with you both, but you do not give me any chance to or any other option. it looks like it will be easier for you to continue moving forward this way. thank you for marrying a pathetic drunk, and thank you for constantly tormenting and bullying me daily and then asking me why i hate you. it's a shame i can't lie and say this isn't your fault".
perhaps the threat of suicide, having my physical wiped off the face of the planet, will knock some sense into my mother for treating me the way she does and expecting a well behaved, conformist child. besides moving out, i don't see any other way out of the hellscape i live in.
today i walked into the kitchen trying to make some food and my father sneered and started yelling asking me if i was taking hormones because of the way i looked. i was doing absolutely NOTHING. i didn't even glance in his direction and he became disgusted at my appearance even though i was dressing as i usually do. he then goes on to mock the amount of food i was eating because i am bulimic. i tell him he has no right to question my behavior as is the pure definition of Pathetic- out of work and drinking all day, mooching off my mother and stealing my cash when he can.
today i will be texting my mother that i am killing myself soon. it will read as such:
"i will be killing myself soon. i try to survive with you both, but you do not give me any chance to or any other option. it looks like it will be easier for you to continue moving forward this way. thank you for marrying a pathetic drunk, and thank you for constantly tormenting and bullying me daily and then asking me why i hate you. it's a shame i can't lie and say this isn't your fault".
perhaps the threat of suicide, having my physical wiped off the face of the planet, will knock some sense into my mother for treating me the way she does and expecting a well behaved, conformist child. besides moving out, i don't see any other way out of the hellscape i live in.
