I've been contemplating suicide for years; for a while I gave up on it, since I knew I would fail, but recently I've been obsessing about it. I realized I'm probably never going to be happy with my life, and that I will probably kill myself before I turn 30, and thought I should just get it over with.
I'm done. I'm done with everything. There is no point in living; saying "It gets better" is a lie. I don't care about anything. I don't feel like waiting for something that I don't know will ever happen.
I've been depressed for years, with anxiety since 12. Depressed since 15.
Depression gets worse and worse the older I get. A depressed life is not a life worth living; if you're never happier, then suicide is your only choice.
I've had back pain for over 8 months. Do you know how fucking long that is? Over half a year of excruciating back pain that gets progressively worse every few months?.
I've been to the doctor several times; I've tried several different medications, and I've gone to the doctor several times. Nothing has worked; I don't even feel slightly better; in fact, I feel worse.
I can't sleep. My sleep has gotten progressively worse; I've had insomnia for over 5 and a half years. That's a REALLY LONG TIME, and it's gotten worse. I feel horrible the whole day. Not a day goes by where I don't think about suicide. I think about suicide several times a day; I'm obsessed with it.
I know what you're thinking; I'm just impatient. I should just wait several more years, and my problems will magically go away.
I don't want to continue living waiting until I get happy, like I have been the past years. I'll probably never be happy and be miserable in my 40s, (that is, if I don't end it before). If it takes 30 more years for me to be able to tolerate my life, then I don't care. I want to kill myself because I don't want to wait any longer.
Literally nothing makes me happy anymore (listening to music, playing games, watching TV). I spend hours a day scrolling through YouTube and social media just to look for entertainment because of how bored I am. All I care about is a quick dopamine rush so I can feel happy for a little bit.
It seems my depression always peaks around my birthday. I hate my birthdays ever since my 16th birthday; it used to make me happy, but now it makes me miserable. I hate getting older and knowing that I've done nothing with my life. It seems the older I get, the faster my life goes by. It's almost like my life is on 2x speed now, and it gets only faster and faster.
My life is so boring and meaningless that it goes by fast just because of how empty it feels.
I've been writing this note ever since my 19th birthday. One of the worst days of my life.
I legitimately hate myself. I'm weird; I always say and do things I regret, then after literal years constantly think about it. It drives me insane. I'm extremely socially awkward. I hate having autism; it's a curse. Self-hatred is the main reason I want to kill myself. It's been eating me up for years. IDK why, but sometimes I'm an asshole to people for no reason. Self-hatred sucks, because at least if I hate someone else, I can choose not to be around them; there's only one way to choose not to be around me, and that's suicide.
I'm too scared of giving details just in case I don't succeed in suicide; I might end up embarrassing myself and then feeling guilty about it. I can't forgive myself. I feel like if people knew everything I've done, they would hate me, and it scares me. I don't feel like giving excuses for myself anymore. I'm an asshole and I will always be one. Autism isn't an excuse for anything I've done; I'm just a piece of shit, and I feel like I deserve to die.
I'm done with all this shit; there's no point in continuing to live. I don't enjoy suffering. I must end it.
What's worse, pain that lasts several more decades or pain that lasts several minutes? I'll pick option 2.
I'm going to hang myself with my dog leash, then take a bunch of sleeping pills to knock myself out so that to minimize the chance of failure.
This is if things go well, and I don't end up suffering even more, with brain damage, or worse, end up in a vegetative state. At this point, I don't care about brain damage; I'm already retarded anyway. Don't care about pain too much; I'm most concerned about failing and getting sent to a mental hospital, but I know I will attempt several times after until I eventually succeed.
Plan on committing suicide tomorrow, just posting this to motivate me to do it, in case I change my mind.
I'm done. I'm done with everything. There is no point in living; saying "It gets better" is a lie. I don't care about anything. I don't feel like waiting for something that I don't know will ever happen.
I've been depressed for years, with anxiety since 12. Depressed since 15.
Depression gets worse and worse the older I get. A depressed life is not a life worth living; if you're never happier, then suicide is your only choice.
I've had back pain for over 8 months. Do you know how fucking long that is? Over half a year of excruciating back pain that gets progressively worse every few months?.
I've been to the doctor several times; I've tried several different medications, and I've gone to the doctor several times. Nothing has worked; I don't even feel slightly better; in fact, I feel worse.
I can't sleep. My sleep has gotten progressively worse; I've had insomnia for over 5 and a half years. That's a REALLY LONG TIME, and it's gotten worse. I feel horrible the whole day. Not a day goes by where I don't think about suicide. I think about suicide several times a day; I'm obsessed with it.
I know what you're thinking; I'm just impatient. I should just wait several more years, and my problems will magically go away.
I don't want to continue living waiting until I get happy, like I have been the past years. I'll probably never be happy and be miserable in my 40s, (that is, if I don't end it before). If it takes 30 more years for me to be able to tolerate my life, then I don't care. I want to kill myself because I don't want to wait any longer.
Literally nothing makes me happy anymore (listening to music, playing games, watching TV). I spend hours a day scrolling through YouTube and social media just to look for entertainment because of how bored I am. All I care about is a quick dopamine rush so I can feel happy for a little bit.
It seems my depression always peaks around my birthday. I hate my birthdays ever since my 16th birthday; it used to make me happy, but now it makes me miserable. I hate getting older and knowing that I've done nothing with my life. It seems the older I get, the faster my life goes by. It's almost like my life is on 2x speed now, and it gets only faster and faster.
My life is so boring and meaningless that it goes by fast just because of how empty it feels.
I've been writing this note ever since my 19th birthday. One of the worst days of my life.
I legitimately hate myself. I'm weird; I always say and do things I regret, then after literal years constantly think about it. It drives me insane. I'm extremely socially awkward. I hate having autism; it's a curse. Self-hatred is the main reason I want to kill myself. It's been eating me up for years. IDK why, but sometimes I'm an asshole to people for no reason. Self-hatred sucks, because at least if I hate someone else, I can choose not to be around them; there's only one way to choose not to be around me, and that's suicide.
I'm too scared of giving details just in case I don't succeed in suicide; I might end up embarrassing myself and then feeling guilty about it. I can't forgive myself. I feel like if people knew everything I've done, they would hate me, and it scares me. I don't feel like giving excuses for myself anymore. I'm an asshole and I will always be one. Autism isn't an excuse for anything I've done; I'm just a piece of shit, and I feel like I deserve to die.
I'm done with all this shit; there's no point in continuing to live. I don't enjoy suffering. I must end it.
What's worse, pain that lasts several more decades or pain that lasts several minutes? I'll pick option 2.
I'm going to hang myself with my dog leash, then take a bunch of sleeping pills to knock myself out so that to minimize the chance of failure.
This is if things go well, and I don't end up suffering even more, with brain damage, or worse, end up in a vegetative state. At this point, I don't care about brain damage; I'm already retarded anyway. Don't care about pain too much; I'm most concerned about failing and getting sent to a mental hospital, but I know I will attempt several times after until I eventually succeed.
Plan on committing suicide tomorrow, just posting this to motivate me to do it, in case I change my mind.
