Hey guys, new here, and actually found the website by that one guys youtube video trying to 'expose' this 'terrible' community.
Kind of ironic that he was trying to make people cancel this site and instead helped me find the exact community I needed so I had somewhere to ask some questions.
I've been thinking about CTB for awhile (Many years if we're being honest) and I think I'm FINALLY ready to do it, I've gone ahead and prepped everything.
Here's a really long story "My story"
I'm a 24 year old male, and since High school I've self-harmed/and wanted to CTB. but have never really had access to any super reliable methods because of some extremely strict parents.
Well fast forward a bit, my life was really good, I had a good girlfriend, a good job, a lot of money, and I no longer really wanted to ctb, however, that was short lived. When my girlfriend cheated on me, I really started having life go downward, fast. I sold my house, moved from Michigan to Texas, and never got a job, I couldn't bring myself to leave the house, I spent like $40,000 over a span of 3 months on video games and shit, and just all around fell back into the whole wanting to CTB, but I was so lazy and demotivated that I couldn't even bring myself to go downstairs and get my gun.
Well, I eventually called my grandma because she's always been there for me, and she paid for my trip back from texas, and gave me somewhere to live, I started working, and ended up quitting because I ended up making a game online, and it did REALLY well, I was making around 15k-20k a month for a span of about 6 months, I was living the dream, I bought jet skis, lent money to friends, was just living the best life, because I was spending stupid amounts of money on stupid things, for no real reason, and it didn't matter, because I was making so much. During all of this, I ended up moving into my buddies house (We always went out and he was one of the people I bought things for all the time.) But he lives with his mom still, which isn't a big deal, they have a big house and spare room they let me move into, and I was buying the entire house groceries (For about 8 people) which amounted to about $1,000 or more per month in groceries, I also paid for high speed internet that I let everyone use and paid for it by myself, and we all went out to the beach and used the jet skis and stuff together, and things were good.
However, all good things come to an end once again, and my game started failing because of my lack of motivation to continue working on it. Profits started going down and the costs of maintaining the servers soon got to the point where it was more than what I was making, so I closed the servers, and shut down the game.
I still had money however, and my spending certainly did not slow down. I ended up falling back into the same old cycle of wanting to CTB once again, and so I stopped leaving the bedroom, stopped going to the beach, stopped talking to everyone, and just like 2 weeks ago I ended up selling the jet skis, because I ran out of money, and everyone was all mad because they really liked using them.
Well, just 2 nights ago, I got a text from my buddies mom saying "I want you out of the house before the end of the month." and what is ABSOLUTELY WILD to me, is that they all LOVED having me here when I was spending stupid amounts of money on buying everyone stuff, and letting them use my jet skis, and paying ALL of the costs of running them.
Nobody ever offered to help, and then it's kind of a major coincidence that as soon as I stop being 'useful' they want to kick me to the curb, and it almost makes me laugh because my intrusive thoughts of "Nobody cares" and "They don't really like me, they like my money" were always right, because this proves it. Nobody even asks me how I'm doing or makes any effort to talk to me at this point, and it's likely not because I've changed, but more because my financial situation has.
Anyways, I wrote a main note that's addressed to everyone, explaining why I "did it" and then I wrote personalized notes to 1. My grandma and 2. My buddy that let me live in his house, and I really have nobody else to write notes too because everyone else is out of my life.
Now to the main point:
I have a 9mm handgun with FMJ and JHP rounds
I also have an AR-15 with Green Tipped FMJ rounds.
Originally I was going to use the ar-15, but last night I held it to my head and it was really really awkward and was "too much" and I couldn't really bring myself to it, so I went outside and grabbed my pistol and loaded it with JHP rounds, and I feel a lot more comfortable using that. Any advice?
To be honest, I'm not scared of dying, and I'm also not really scared of failing either, I just want my current life as I know it to end
If it works, that would be best case scenario, because ideally I don't end up a 'vegetable' but if I do, I won't be THAT upset, because that will be an entirely different path than this fucked up one I'm on.
I've been documenting my thoughts and actions on my computer, where all of the notes are written. I definitely want to do this in my room, and I definitely want to use my handgun because holding that to my head was far more comfortable than the AR-15. I'm really aiming to do it tonight, early morning or so, and hoping I can finally bring myself to just pull the damn trigger, because I have a round chambered, and I'm definitely ready to do it.
I guess my question to everyone is: If I'm using my 9mm with JHP rounds, where is the best place to shoot? I really don't wanna put the gun in my mouth because that is just really weird for me, and I've been watching a lot of videos on livegore of people CTBing, and mostly what I see with handguns is people putting it to their temple, and from my research, my chances of failing are slim to none, as long as I don't completely 'miss' my brain, and I don't see that being possible if I press the barrel against my temple.
One thing I beg of everyone is PLEASE do not give any encouraging statements trying to talk me out of it, don't say "We could be friends" or anything like that.
Kind of ironic that he was trying to make people cancel this site and instead helped me find the exact community I needed so I had somewhere to ask some questions.
I've been thinking about CTB for awhile (Many years if we're being honest) and I think I'm FINALLY ready to do it, I've gone ahead and prepped everything.
Here's a really long story "My story"
I'm a 24 year old male, and since High school I've self-harmed/and wanted to CTB. but have never really had access to any super reliable methods because of some extremely strict parents.
Well fast forward a bit, my life was really good, I had a good girlfriend, a good job, a lot of money, and I no longer really wanted to ctb, however, that was short lived. When my girlfriend cheated on me, I really started having life go downward, fast. I sold my house, moved from Michigan to Texas, and never got a job, I couldn't bring myself to leave the house, I spent like $40,000 over a span of 3 months on video games and shit, and just all around fell back into the whole wanting to CTB, but I was so lazy and demotivated that I couldn't even bring myself to go downstairs and get my gun.
Well, I eventually called my grandma because she's always been there for me, and she paid for my trip back from texas, and gave me somewhere to live, I started working, and ended up quitting because I ended up making a game online, and it did REALLY well, I was making around 15k-20k a month for a span of about 6 months, I was living the dream, I bought jet skis, lent money to friends, was just living the best life, because I was spending stupid amounts of money on stupid things, for no real reason, and it didn't matter, because I was making so much. During all of this, I ended up moving into my buddies house (We always went out and he was one of the people I bought things for all the time.) But he lives with his mom still, which isn't a big deal, they have a big house and spare room they let me move into, and I was buying the entire house groceries (For about 8 people) which amounted to about $1,000 or more per month in groceries, I also paid for high speed internet that I let everyone use and paid for it by myself, and we all went out to the beach and used the jet skis and stuff together, and things were good.
However, all good things come to an end once again, and my game started failing because of my lack of motivation to continue working on it. Profits started going down and the costs of maintaining the servers soon got to the point where it was more than what I was making, so I closed the servers, and shut down the game.
I still had money however, and my spending certainly did not slow down. I ended up falling back into the same old cycle of wanting to CTB once again, and so I stopped leaving the bedroom, stopped going to the beach, stopped talking to everyone, and just like 2 weeks ago I ended up selling the jet skis, because I ran out of money, and everyone was all mad because they really liked using them.
Well, just 2 nights ago, I got a text from my buddies mom saying "I want you out of the house before the end of the month." and what is ABSOLUTELY WILD to me, is that they all LOVED having me here when I was spending stupid amounts of money on buying everyone stuff, and letting them use my jet skis, and paying ALL of the costs of running them.
Nobody ever offered to help, and then it's kind of a major coincidence that as soon as I stop being 'useful' they want to kick me to the curb, and it almost makes me laugh because my intrusive thoughts of "Nobody cares" and "They don't really like me, they like my money" were always right, because this proves it. Nobody even asks me how I'm doing or makes any effort to talk to me at this point, and it's likely not because I've changed, but more because my financial situation has.
Anyways, I wrote a main note that's addressed to everyone, explaining why I "did it" and then I wrote personalized notes to 1. My grandma and 2. My buddy that let me live in his house, and I really have nobody else to write notes too because everyone else is out of my life.
Now to the main point:
I have a 9mm handgun with FMJ and JHP rounds
I also have an AR-15 with Green Tipped FMJ rounds.
Originally I was going to use the ar-15, but last night I held it to my head and it was really really awkward and was "too much" and I couldn't really bring myself to it, so I went outside and grabbed my pistol and loaded it with JHP rounds, and I feel a lot more comfortable using that. Any advice?
To be honest, I'm not scared of dying, and I'm also not really scared of failing either, I just want my current life as I know it to end
If it works, that would be best case scenario, because ideally I don't end up a 'vegetable' but if I do, I won't be THAT upset, because that will be an entirely different path than this fucked up one I'm on.
I've been documenting my thoughts and actions on my computer, where all of the notes are written. I definitely want to do this in my room, and I definitely want to use my handgun because holding that to my head was far more comfortable than the AR-15. I'm really aiming to do it tonight, early morning or so, and hoping I can finally bring myself to just pull the damn trigger, because I have a round chambered, and I'm definitely ready to do it.
I guess my question to everyone is: If I'm using my 9mm with JHP rounds, where is the best place to shoot? I really don't wanna put the gun in my mouth because that is just really weird for me, and I've been watching a lot of videos on livegore of people CTBing, and mostly what I see with handguns is people putting it to their temple, and from my research, my chances of failing are slim to none, as long as I don't completely 'miss' my brain, and I don't see that being possible if I press the barrel against my temple.
One thing I beg of everyone is PLEASE do not give any encouraging statements trying to talk me out of it, don't say "We could be friends" or anything like that.
