Venting going through the motions

[february in alaska]

Just scribbling down some thoughts while I smoke

So many people love to throw around "I'm always here if you ever need to talk" without ever really meaning it. And people will say "so many people care about you, stay strong, etc. etc. etc." and all this bullshit. Like my life is somehow worth more than the amount of money being spent on medication and therapy and psychiatric care and hospitalizations, like my life is somehow worth more than the price of food and housing and me breathing and just taking up space in general. Because it's not, and people will never say that out loud, and it makes it harder to let go

Part of me really wishes that "getting help" was an actual option. But then I actually take people up on it, and I ask people if someone could just get on the phone because I'm in a dark headspace, and suddenly it's crickets. I'm not even mad, I just wish people wouldn't make that offer if they don't mean it. Nobody wants to hear about my shit. My mental health isn't worth the price of treatment, and my life isn't worth the price of living. That's the truth. And I can't tell that to anybody, because even though they don't care, they're going to lie and tell me they do

I know people would get over my death, I know it would be better for everyone in the long run. So now I'm just stuck in this perpetual cycle of hoping it will get better and knowing it never will and living in this miserable limbo just to delay the inevitable because I'm a coward. I really hope someday I get enough conviction to actually go through with it. genuinely don't know why I'm not at that point yet

Anyway. Man, life fucking sucks lmao

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

I think most people who offer to talk mean well, and feel like they'd actually show up when asked to. They are not trying to deceive. Problem is, a lot of people are incredibly uncomfortable with talking about "negative" topics, and when they actually have to show up, the discomfort wins and they avoid the situation altogether.


Ever cried in front of someone, and seen that person get anxious trying to come up with something to do or say to get you to "feel better"? The discomfort mostly comes from not wanting to (or knowing how to) handle a strong emotional response from someone else. I learned long ago that, when someone comes to me with a problem and starts crying, they're not expecting me to say or do anything in particular to fix their problem. They just want me to be there, listening, feeling a bit of what they're feeling. That's all.

 

[february in alaska]

I think most people who offer to talk mean well, and feel like they'd actually show up when asked to. They are not trying to deceive. Problem is, a lot of people are incredibly uncomfortable with talking about "negative" topics, and when they actually have to show up, the discomfort wins and they avoid the situation altogether.


Ever cried in front of someone, and seen that person get anxious trying to come up with something to do or say to get you to "feel better"? The discomfort mostly comes from not wanting to (or knowing how to) handle a strong emotional response from someone else. I learned long ago that, when a someone comes to me with a problem and starts crying, they're not expecting me to say or do anything in particular to fix their problem. They just want me to be there, listening, feeling a bit of what they're feeling. That's all.

It's nice in theory, but then again, I'm not super close with anyone, so that's probably part of it. I dunno. But I guess I think I agree with you, 'cause I don't even know what I would expect them to say or do if they did come through on it.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

But I guess I think I agree with you, 'cause I don't even know what I would expect them to say or do if they did come through on it.

You mentioned in the OP that you are (or have been before) in therapy. If you don't mind me asking, what's your experience been like in that regard? To me, a therapist would be precisely the sort of person who's there "if you ever need to talk", and any half decent one shouldn't be uncomfortable going through difficult emotions and feelings. Unfortunately, I'm well aware that many therapist aren't even half decent.

 

[february in alaska]

You mentioned in the OP that you are (or have been before) in therapy. If you don't mind me asking, what's your experience been like in that regard? To me, a therapist would be precisely the sort of person who's there "if you ever need to talk", and any half decent one shouldn't be uncomfortable going through difficult emotions and feelings. Unfortunately, I'm well aware that many therapist aren't even half decent.

Mm yeah. To be fair, I haven't had a ton of experience - I've been to a total of two, both when I was younger, and neither for longer than a few months. I'm not even against it, but I can't really afford it and with where I'm at mentally it feels like it would be a waste of money.

Even when I was in therapy, I remember being super on edge and never really opening up during it because I knew if I said too much they could have me involuntarily institutionalized. That, and I have a bad habit of putting on a super-polite all-is-well face around strangers, and apparently that makes the whole thing pretty counterproductive, haha. These days, if I had the money or time for it, I might've given it another shot. I appreciate the sentiment.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

Even when I was in therapy, I remember being super on edge and never really opening up during it because I knew if I said too much they could have me involuntarily institutionalized. That, and I have a bad habit of putting on a super-polite all-is-well face around strangers, and apparently that makes the whole thing pretty counterproductive, haha. These days, if I had the money or time for it, I might've given it another shot. I appreciate the sentiment.

It's quite sad, that first part you mention. Many therapists aren't equipped to deal with a patient who talks about suicidal ideation, and default to involuntary commitment or getting authorities involved in some other way, which only breeds distrust and resentment in people. A capable therapist should be able to distinguish between a patient expressing suicidal thoughts, and them being in a situation of immediate danger which might warrant an intervention.

The second bit, about putting on an all-is-well face, is understandable and natural. Most of us learned from a young age that it's not polite to bother other people with our problems, so when someone asks us how we've been, we simply blurt out "good, and you?" and stick to the polite script. Obviously, that shouldn't apply to a therapy setting, but it's part of the job of the therapist to provide a setting for the patient, and build a relationship with them, where such masquerading is not seen as necessary, and instead an honest, human-to-human interaction can take place.

At the risk of sounding like a cliché, though, I don't think that you trying to heal is a waste of time or resources, or that you aren't worth the effort. It might feel empty, just words on a screen, but I really believe that. From one Internet stranger to another. We're all on similar boats, after all.

 

[february in alaska]

It's quite sad, that first part you mention. Many therapists aren't equipped to deal with a patient who talks about suicidal ideation, and default to involuntary commitment or getting authorities involved in some other way, which only breeds distrust and resentment in people. A capable therapist should be able to distinguish between a patient expressing suicidal thoughts, and them being in a situation of immediate danger which might warrant an intervention.

The second bit, about putting on an all-is-well face, is understandable and natural. Most of us learned from a young age that it's not polite to bother other people with our problems, so when someone asks us how we've been, we simply blurt out "good, and you?" and stick to the polite script. Obviously, that shouldn't apply to a therapy setting, but it's part of the job of the therapist to provide a setting for the patient, and build a relationship with them, where such masquerading is not seen as necessary, and instead an honest, human-to-human interaction can take place.

At the risk of sounding like a cliché, though, I don't think that you trying to heal is a waste of time or resources, or that you aren't worth the effort. It might feel empty, just words on a screen, but I really believe that. From one Internet stranger to another. We're all on similar boats, after all.

Absolutely. Same thing with hotlines or crisis lines— I get why they do it, legally speaking, but all it does is discourage people from calling and getting help. Because god knows a bunch of armed men angrily showing up at my door is going to fix everything.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to say that. I hope things get better, that's kind of all I've got right now. But it's nice to be able to talk about it to someone