I will die in January. Tonight I saw one of my brothers for the last time. Next week, I will drop my other brother off in his new home across the country, and that will be the last time I see him. Christmas will be the last time I see my parents.
Its hard not to cry during family time, knowing that this is the last I'll have. Its hard not to tell them whats going to happen. I feel guilty for committing suicide, but I know it's what I need to do.
Sounds like you have a support system in place and a family you really care about? Have you tried talking to them about how you're feeling and if not then why?
The way I think of it is that if you've already settled on CTB then you have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain by trying one last time to see if things can get better.
Before I CTB I plan on spending a few days just doing all the things I love most or things I've always wanted to do but never did for whatever reason, fixing any lingering regrets, spending time with family and people I care about that I've isolated myself from for so long and opening up to then, getting in touch with people I lost contact with etc. Basically leave no stone unturned, no regrets, try one last time to see if there's potential of my life getting any better at all and try and have the best time possible.
If I still wanna CTB after that and none of these bring me any glint of joy or hope, then I'll know I'm doing the right thing by CTB. I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I hope between now and January things get better for you.
