1000YellowDaffodils
the end is still nigh
- Mar 13, 2022
- 20
Finally. I've had everything I needed for almost a year but had to wait until someone moved out of my house, I'm trying to avoid doing it around birthdays and holidays, and generally just stalling because I am afraid. Best case scenario I go to sleep and never wake up. Worst case scenario I go somewhere like Hell, or into a reality where the air is broken glass or something and I suffer for all eternity with no escape.
I've had and tried many different plans, ones I liked more than this, but this final time I'm going to take a sleeping bag to a nearby church parking lot, get in, take SN, and go to sleep. I hate doing this in public but I can't do it in my house for my family's sake. I was going to do it in my own car since it was my property, but I couldn't handle it anymore and got rid of it last month. I know. I will tape a note to the outside of the sleeping bag saying what's inside, that I'm sorry, and to call the police. Probably will end up in the news, but hopefully it's just one of those quick ones with no details that everyone forgets about in a week. Not the craziest thing that's happened here, and not the first outdoor suicide either. I've also considered a cemetery instead of a church? I don't know. I want a secluded place away from schools. I feel very bad for what I am doing, but I don't know how my family will keep living in this house if I do it here, and they can't move. It certainly would be more comfortable though.
I'm going to be 21 in two weeks. Nothing is ever going to get better. I can't do this. I can't be in this body. I can't continue to rot. I can't adapt or do anything I want to. I ruined it all from the beginning. I don't want to leave my friends. They're the only part of living I like, but I rarely see them, and when I do I don't have anything good to tell them, and I'm going backwards while they keep moving forward.
I wish I did this sooner. I wish I was never born at all.
I've had and tried many different plans, ones I liked more than this, but this final time I'm going to take a sleeping bag to a nearby church parking lot, get in, take SN, and go to sleep. I hate doing this in public but I can't do it in my house for my family's sake. I was going to do it in my own car since it was my property, but I couldn't handle it anymore and got rid of it last month. I know. I will tape a note to the outside of the sleeping bag saying what's inside, that I'm sorry, and to call the police. Probably will end up in the news, but hopefully it's just one of those quick ones with no details that everyone forgets about in a week. Not the craziest thing that's happened here, and not the first outdoor suicide either. I've also considered a cemetery instead of a church? I don't know. I want a secluded place away from schools. I feel very bad for what I am doing, but I don't know how my family will keep living in this house if I do it here, and they can't move. It certainly would be more comfortable though.
I'm going to be 21 in two weeks. Nothing is ever going to get better. I can't do this. I can't be in this body. I can't continue to rot. I can't adapt or do anything I want to. I ruined it all from the beginning. I don't want to leave my friends. They're the only part of living I like, but I rarely see them, and when I do I don't have anything good to tell them, and I'm going backwards while they keep moving forward.
I wish I did this sooner. I wish I was never born at all.