Discussion Going out in public alone.

[Anxieyote]

I have always struggled with going places and doing things by myself. I get very reclusive and stay in my apartment for days on end.

One thing I've been wanting to do is go to the zoo and see the animals, but going to the zoo seems to be something families do. I don't want people to look at me and think, "Wow, who is this guy, coming here with no friends and no family. What's his problem?"

And then I imagine going to the kiosk area where they sell tickets, and saying "just one please" and the kiosk person judges me, along with the people standing behind me in line, wondering why a single adult male is going to the zoo by himself…

I just feel like a lot of things are off-limits. I never like seeing movies by myself because it's something you're "supposed" to do with friends, or taking someone on a date. I have gone to see movies by myself before, but I always felt sort of observed—like parents were taking note of the large adult male who's watching the Lego movie by himself with no friends or family, and holding their kids a little bit tighter.

I want to enjoy life too. It's not fair that the normies get to go out in public and do all this stuff, and I'm seen as weird if I do it. When I told my sister I was thinking about taking a day-trip to the zoo she looked at me funny and said, "The zoo?" like I was weird for suggesting going there by myself without kids in tow. I'm sure she sees it as just an activity to keep the kids distracted, since she has two toddlers.

Does anyone else have problems going at and doing things by themselves? I always feel like a fish out of water whenever I'm in public, uncomfortable wherever I go.

 

[Well-Edited Chaos]

I generally don't have a problem (now) doing things in public by myself, but that wasn't always the case. I started by realizing that doing the thing alone was better than not doing the thing at all, and started doing things I wanted to do. I started small, and over time, I got over my anxiety about it. Now it really doesn't bother me.

It helped that I have always spent a lot of time alone, so I don't feel the pull of "what will other people think" to the same degree as most other people. It also helped when I realized most people were not thinking of me at all, and some of the people thinking of me thought I was brave and wished they could do things alone.

If you want to get past this, support helps. Is there someone you know who wants to do sthg but they're stuck for some reason? Buddy up with them - you do X, I'll do Y, we'll talk before to get past the nerves, and we'll talk after and see how it went.

Support yourself. Remember your past successes - when in the past have you done things that were difficult for you? What did you do that helped you then? Rewards are good too (whatever things are motivating for you).

If pressure motivates you (like deadlines, or public declarations like posting on social media, "today I'm going to do X"), do that.

Hope this helps. You are NOT alone in this.

 

[timf]

Most people do not give us as much attention as we might think. If you might appear to be threatening, you might soften your image such as wearing a loud Hawaiian shirt and taking a camera with you to look like a tourist.

 

[MiserableInCT]

It is easy to say, "other people really aren't payment very attention anyone else around them, or noticing if you are at the zoo by yourself". I agree, that most people aren't really paying particular attention to other people walking around just enjoying the zoo, or museum, or wherever. However, the issue to tackle is about FEELINGS. Feeling judged, feeling singled out, feeling like people notice that a man alone is at the LEGO movie is a powerful feeling to work at overcoming.

I went to the Natural History museum by myself when I was visiting friends in L.A. last month and had my suitcase in tow with me because I was going directly to the airport after. It is worth sharing that I didn't even stop to think about feeling out of place or uncomfortable. Here at home I haven't been to a museum by myself for two decades, but I actually didn't really stop to think about it when I was in LA, so maybe timf has good point. I was dragging around my suitcase because the museum didn't have a place to check the bag. It was a drag, but it also managed to make a loud point to anyone watching that I wasn't there being creepy. It was more obvious that I was there to look at the displays, and any side attention I might have had was directed to dealing with the suitcase and not noticing whoever else was around me.

I truly went two decades without going out to places on the weekends because that was when families were always in stores, or pretty much every place. I completely understand the phobia, but I agree with the discussion that it is mostly a phobia, and not a reality. Feeling singled out, is different from actually being singled out. I am not saying phobias aren't real, but the object of the fear is often self-created.

Small steps. I did a lot of exposure therapy. Try going someplace with an easy small limitation. Give yourself permission to cut-n-run after five minutes if you are too uncomfortable. That's okay. Start with five minutes and see how you feel. The fact that you WANT to go out and do things is a big deal. There are many of us who simply no longer have any desire for anything, or do anything, to go anywhere. Many of us are already dead inside. If you have some desire to go out to the zoo, and it is just those uncomfortable feelings which stop you -- then go battle those uncomfortable feelings. Your feelings about yourself are easier to change than thinking that you can change the way complete strangers perceive you.

Hope some of that helps.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I have always struggled with going places and doing things by myself. I get very reclusive and stay in my apartment for days on end.

One thing I've been wanting to do is go to the zoo and see the animals, but going to the zoo seems to be something families do. I don't want people to look at me and think, "Wow, who is this guy, coming here with no friends and no family. What's his problem?"

And then I imagine going to the kiosk area where they sell tickets, and saying "just one please" and the kiosk person judges me, along with the people standing behind me in line, wondering why a single adult male is going to the zoo by himself…

I just feel like a lot of things are off-limits. I never like seeing movies by myself because it's something you're "supposed" to do with friends, or taking someone on a date. I have gone to see movies by myself before, but I always felt sort of observed—like parents were taking note of the large adult male who's watching the Lego movie by himself with no friends or family, and holding their kids a little bit tighter.

I want to enjoy life too. It's not fair that the normies get to go out in public and do all this stuff, and I'm seen as weird if I do it. When I told my sister I was thinking about taking a day-trip to the zoo she looked at me funny and said, "The zoo?" like I was weird for suggesting going there by myself without kids in tow. I'm sure she sees it as just an activity to keep the kids distracted, since she has two toddlers.

Does anyone else have problems going at and doing things by themselves? I always feel like a fish out of water whenever I'm in public, uncomfortable wherever I go.

I understand you perfectly. I have become socially anxious and going out on the street alone has been a challenge. Fortunately it has improved little by little. I came up with some "strategies" to help me with this anxiety. When I feel most anxious about seeing people I get distracted by anything, whether it's talking on the cell phone with someone, watching some video on the cell phone, etc. It helped me a lot in the worst stages. That being said, maybe you can also come up with some strategies to help you cope and get out of the house alone.

 

[rogeriocansadinho]

i'm just like you

 

[jesse]

People, mostly therapists, have repeated the line "People are too busy with their own lives to care about what you are doing" many times, but I still have trouble believing that. I think there are plenty of people out there that do like to judge others. The rub lies in wither we should care, right? It shouldn't effect me what some dickhead I don't know thinks... Why let some stranger who does not have my best interests in mind effect my choices?

Yet, I hide away in my home to avoid the shame and anxiety of being alone in social interactions. I don't go to the gym or go for walks anymore. I avoid going to the grocery store when I desperately need to. I worry about making noise at home as someone in another apartment might hear me. If you let these feelings run away they lead to a very shitty existence.

 

[Pluto]

I agree completely.

Growing up in a childhood environment where I was despised and scapegoated by family and classmates alike, it hurts to have wound up an adult who is perceived as a creep for being alone and unloved, as if just existing and being alive is a crime. And yet it is wrong to want to CTB also. What exactly do they want me to do?

I don't know if the experience of doing activities alone would have much value compared to being a part of a group. I'm about to have my first week off work in 2.5 years, yet there are no meaningful plans. I hope you are able to overcome this somehow.

 

[Seeking_Peace]

I had a former colleague who used to eat out alone and go to movies. He had a gf and we sometimes did double dates. I started going out alone and it was actually cool. People around you don't give a crap if you're out with a partner or not and it was cheaper lol

 

[TheLastFemaphrodyke]

I have always struggled with going places and doing things by myself. I get very reclusive and stay in my apartment for days on end.

One thing I've been wanting to do is go to the zoo and see the animals, but going to the zoo seems to be something families do. I don't want people to look at me and think, "Wow, who is this guy, coming here with no friends and no family. What's his problem?"

And then I imagine going to the kiosk area where they sell tickets, and saying "just one please" and the kiosk person judges me, along with the people standing behind me in line, wondering why a single adult male is going to the zoo by himself…

I just feel like a lot of things are off-limits. I never like seeing movies by myself because it's something you're "supposed" to do with friends, or taking someone on a date. I have gone to see movies by myself before, but I always felt sort of observed—like parents were taking note of the large adult male who's watching the Lego movie by himself with no friends or family, and holding their kids a little bit tighter.

I want to enjoy life too. It's not fair that the normies get to go out in public and do all this stuff, and I'm seen as weird if I do it. When I told my sister I was thinking about taking a day-trip to the zoo she looked at me funny and said, "The zoo?" like I was weird for suggesting going there by myself without kids in tow. I'm sure she sees it as just an activity to keep the kids distracted, since she has two toddlers.

Does anyone else have problems going at and doing things by themselves? I always feel like a fish out of water whenever I'm in public, uncomfortable wherever I go.

I hate to leave home. Sometimes I will find twenty reasons to go back and look for something to NOT leave the hosue, yet, I used to go to the zoo alone all the time, I love animals, not humans and the zoo in Washington DC is pretty good. Most people are not going to even notice that you are alone. Families are watching their children while trying to find their way around and keep track of everyone and keep meltdowns to a minimum. Couples are wrapped up in each other and not even paying attention to the animals most of the time. Other singles, if there are any, are too busy reading, relaxing, meditating, watching the animals or just enjoying being alone, so they are not even paying attention to you and will not even notice you are alone, If they do, they are stalking you, run. The library is another great place to go to not be bothered and not a soul will notice or care about your solitary status.