Venting going out for coffee shouldnt cause stress

[Life_and_Death]

yet ive been dealing with exactly that for the past 2 days.
this type of thing isnt for someone like me. i should have just said i was busy, but after staying here and feeling like i cant do anything for the past 7yrs i kinda felt like i had to say yes just to get out even if only for an hour.
but what in the hell does someone like me talk about!!!?
"how has your life been"
oh well, ive had like 10 suicide attempts, cant go to therapy for 10yrs, cry every day, still havent made any life progress.
and to top it off the person i mentioned from my last post is going to be there and i literally ignored her just a few nights ago. i cant see that not being brought up. "why didnt you say hi the other night" because my life sucks and you contributed to that.
if you have anything nice to say then dont say anything at all, i guess im not talking because between "i dont like you" and "my life sucks" i have nothing nice/positive to say. i spend most of my day crying. my yesterday got fucked up because i couldnt find the tidepods!! i fucking hate bpd, you know its stupid but thats just more upsetting on top of the problem to begin with.
plus my head is still in pain from my concussion. i just want to cry because "an old friend" asked me for coffee. maybe i should put 'pathetic' below my name again because thats how everything i do feels.

 

[Pluto]

This sounds truly awful. :(

Sometimes being in a different environment can help us to 'snap' into a different social role and at least temporarily feel some semblance of normality, but if this is not happening, it's obviously a bad idea. Unfortunately, staying at home will also reinforce the same patterns, too. If there's any way to spend time in nature or some other gentle, safe environment, that might be a better approach.

There's no real 'shouldn'ts', as some people would struggle with noisy and bustling environments due to agoraphobia or other conditions. All we can do is try and look after ourselves in whatever time we have left on this planet.

 

[Life_and_Death]

There's no real 'shouldn'ts', as some people would struggle with noisy and bustling environments due to agoraphobia or other conditions.

this hit the nail on the head. thats exactly the problem. its a "basic" thing unlike say preforming in front of millions of people. everyone goes to get coffee. it "shouldnt" cause stress because its sometimes a multiple times a day thing for some people. but having that disorder/problems in general, turns a basic thing into a less basic thing which is upsetting because it should be basic, mindless even.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Sitting here now waiting for them..... Ugh... Don't cry.... Dont up and leave... But most of all act normal even though you have zero idea

What was I thinking..!!!!?

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Hey, are you okay? How did it go?
It is okay to go for coffee. And it is okay to have anxiety about it when you're unwell. Even healthy people with OK lives get nervous when they meet up with old friends.

 

[hamvil]

I understand what you feel. I also feel stressed when I have to do social things like coffee or lunches.

Today I have been told (just minutes ago) by my boss that I must have lunches with my colleagues and interact more with them also in my lunch break.

I used to bring food prepared at home and eat it quietly in the park but now i can't do it anymore. I do not have anything to say during lunch and they also always talk about other colleagues that are not present say horrible things.

I am sorry you spend all days crying I do the same.

 

[Life_and_Death]

How did it go?

good and bad. it went ok. the most mental health thing i talked about was my weed addiction and my move (which i lied about saying was cool and as everyone knows isnt). they talked about this one tv show where the guy was into child p*** , which i just stood on the sidelines for (i didnt watch the show, its not a topic im interested in and its actually a triggering topic). i also mentioned how i didnt have any friends and i dont go out, he tried to make it sound fine but doesnt change the fact he called me weird. and when i went back to their place i got to share a joint which for me as the one that was always on the outside "go babysit, youre not old enough" (i was babysitting 1-12yro while i was 10-16 and the adults were 30s i think. being in the middle totally sucked) so to finally have the joint passed to me was actually an awesome privilege.

it was a mix of good and bad.
then i went and added them on discord and with my mental (state? mentality?) i probably shouldnt have. ive been wanting to avoid being online so they wont message me or at the very least if they do i can honestly say "i didnt know". theyre richer than me (i was upset that they lied and the 5 bedroom was actually a 3 bedroom. we paid a whole bunch of zeros for this mobile home. i live in a little trailer we paid 4000......shut up), theyre better than me (she draws/does commissions, he plays guitar/is in several bands, and their other bother cooks and because they can afford shit he got one of the best knifes out there).
so the aftermath is going about as good as before hand. it probably shouldnt be but adding them is making me want to kms.