This is my sixth clinic stay and honestly on the weekend I am at home and I feel so much better which really surprises me. In the past the day clinic stays always helped me. But not this time.
I think some of the staff consider me a living dead. As someone who is going to kill himself anyway which hurts. Someone at college ghosted me because I was too open about my desperation. I have the feeling the rats are leaving the sinking ship. And I feel bad that I have to punish the ones who stayed with me. Honestly this thought made me sick of myself. Due to that I told my parents about my severe suicidality. I consider(ed) to kill myself at the start of the next semester because I did not want to disappoint my parents. But I felt so bad about my best friends who do everything for me. Furthermore, I still enjoy to spend my money. My living standard (not included my nightmarish mental health) is pretty high compared with the global average. My parents help me with the household. I can buy me the things I want, I can eat what I want etc. However, poverty will hit in some years. And I will kill myself because of poverty.
Love is still on my bucket list from the things I want to experience. However my psychotic brain often turns paranoid when I meet women. I had one crush at a clinic stay in the past. Actually she was the best crush I ever had. She was such a cute antinatalist. My heart breaks that she was not interested in me. I was very socially awkward to that time. I improved afterwards also because of that experience. I chose a clinic particular with many young people. So far I have no crush in the clinic. Psychosis is way too stigmatized though.
The aspect wanting to finda a gf was one aspect why I wanted to go to a clinic. Damn I hope my insurance does not read Sanctioned Suicide. Just to make sure: yes I also wanted to postpone my suicide with this clinic stay and yes it somewhat helped in this instance. But if we consider the money my insurance has to pay for this clnic stay it is way more expensive than Tinder Gold or any other dating subscription. Lol.
In some way it is sad to see when people distance themselves from yourself. This really hurts me. However, I am used to such a behavior of clinic staff. The first times hurt way more because it came out of nowhere. Now I have experience how to deal with it. Tomorrow I might go to my self-help group. Honestly, I have the feeling they might throw me out of that group because I was too explicit about my suicidality in the past. My friends wanted that I open myself to other people. Well how that worked out. LMAO. They say suicidal people have to reach out. In my experience this is a very cynical joke. But I already learned that lesson after I was fired. I hope the journalists and anti-choice people read my story. This is what society offers you when you have nothing left.
However, I also like to be feared. The boss of that clinic was lowkey anxious about me. I think he felt uncomfortable looking into my eyes. I consider to leave a subtle hit at the boss how unethical it is not to help me to get assisted suicide. I already had a good line in my mind. But I am not sure whether it would be a strategical good idea to drop the bomb. That other bitch who is another boss of the clinic would deserve it more.
Maybe I should stick to the topic of the thread. Is a clinic a good place to find a gf? I had some crushes in my clinic stays. One girl had a crush one me. Not more happened. But I am also really really bad at interacting with women. My life is so absurd.
The idea with reaching out is such a fucking stupid lie if you know my story. I had to lie to my former therapist completely so that he was willing to have appointments with me. Psychologists gave me up but no psychiatrist so far. I ask myself whether it is more difficult for psychiatrists to drop a patient. The psychiatrists are rather the pill pushers. I am not sure.
You know who will never leave me: My closest friends and Sanctioned Suicide. Noone on Sanctioned Suicide ever said to anyone: You feel either too good or too bad for being here. Both happened to me at different clinic stays. It is so fucking cyncial wanting to shut down the website where people like me disowned by therapists and given up by the psychiatry can flee to. Their last refuge.
I am pretty anxious about my self-help group tomorrow. I think athere are some issues with seeing a clinic stay an opportunity to find a gf. But God damn I am desperate, needy and pathetic. Don't judge me.
I think some of the staff consider me a living dead. As someone who is going to kill himself anyway which hurts. Someone at college ghosted me because I was too open about my desperation. I have the feeling the rats are leaving the sinking ship. And I feel bad that I have to punish the ones who stayed with me. Honestly this thought made me sick of myself. Due to that I told my parents about my severe suicidality. I consider(ed) to kill myself at the start of the next semester because I did not want to disappoint my parents. But I felt so bad about my best friends who do everything for me. Furthermore, I still enjoy to spend my money. My living standard (not included my nightmarish mental health) is pretty high compared with the global average. My parents help me with the household. I can buy me the things I want, I can eat what I want etc. However, poverty will hit in some years. And I will kill myself because of poverty.
Love is still on my bucket list from the things I want to experience. However my psychotic brain often turns paranoid when I meet women. I had one crush at a clinic stay in the past. Actually she was the best crush I ever had. She was such a cute antinatalist. My heart breaks that she was not interested in me. I was very socially awkward to that time. I improved afterwards also because of that experience. I chose a clinic particular with many young people. So far I have no crush in the clinic. Psychosis is way too stigmatized though.
The aspect wanting to finda a gf was one aspect why I wanted to go to a clinic. Damn I hope my insurance does not read Sanctioned Suicide. Just to make sure: yes I also wanted to postpone my suicide with this clinic stay and yes it somewhat helped in this instance. But if we consider the money my insurance has to pay for this clnic stay it is way more expensive than Tinder Gold or any other dating subscription. Lol.
In some way it is sad to see when people distance themselves from yourself. This really hurts me. However, I am used to such a behavior of clinic staff. The first times hurt way more because it came out of nowhere. Now I have experience how to deal with it. Tomorrow I might go to my self-help group. Honestly, I have the feeling they might throw me out of that group because I was too explicit about my suicidality in the past. My friends wanted that I open myself to other people. Well how that worked out. LMAO. They say suicidal people have to reach out. In my experience this is a very cynical joke. But I already learned that lesson after I was fired. I hope the journalists and anti-choice people read my story. This is what society offers you when you have nothing left.
However, I also like to be feared. The boss of that clinic was lowkey anxious about me. I think he felt uncomfortable looking into my eyes. I consider to leave a subtle hit at the boss how unethical it is not to help me to get assisted suicide. I already had a good line in my mind. But I am not sure whether it would be a strategical good idea to drop the bomb. That other bitch who is another boss of the clinic would deserve it more.
Maybe I should stick to the topic of the thread. Is a clinic a good place to find a gf? I had some crushes in my clinic stays. One girl had a crush one me. Not more happened. But I am also really really bad at interacting with women. My life is so absurd.
The idea with reaching out is such a fucking stupid lie if you know my story. I had to lie to my former therapist completely so that he was willing to have appointments with me. Psychologists gave me up but no psychiatrist so far. I ask myself whether it is more difficult for psychiatrists to drop a patient. The psychiatrists are rather the pill pushers. I am not sure.
You know who will never leave me: My closest friends and Sanctioned Suicide. Noone on Sanctioned Suicide ever said to anyone: You feel either too good or too bad for being here. Both happened to me at different clinic stays. It is so fucking cyncial wanting to shut down the website where people like me disowned by therapists and given up by the psychiatry can flee to. Their last refuge.
I am pretty anxious about my self-help group tomorrow. I think athere are some issues with seeing a clinic stay an opportunity to find a gf. But God damn I am desperate, needy and pathetic. Don't judge me.
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