TraumaEscapee:)
I hate my birth family
- Apr 30, 2023
- 130
I am diagnosed with bpd, c-ptsd amongst other things. I grew up in foster care, experienced repeated and extreme abuse at the hands of my birth family as a child. Spent most of my short adult life homeless and fleeing domestic abuse and stalking. I really needed a lot of comfort Tonight. I rang Samaritans to have a human to talk to (I have no family and no friends I'm completely alone in the world) the birth family are alive, but they're very abusive and cruel to me they don't care at all and are the reason my life has unfolded the way it has. Anyway I found out Samaritans had blocked my number for ringing too much in the last 30 days (I've been going through a lot). Severe anxiety and depression whilst having to function like a normal person each day. There's a man I care so deeply about and I'm petrified of losing him because of my bpd. He's a professional and there's no romantic feelings I'm just attached to him. I'm petrified he's going to leave he hasn't spoken to me in months. Not knowing what's happening as he goes back and fourth with my mental health worker who is also leaving btw is agonising. I live in a perpetual state of fear and stress with depression. I'm so petrified of being on my own and that's my life. No one cares about me in this world no one loves me I'm all on my own. It's agony. I've ordered the meto I've got the SN and in a week I'll be dead. I can't do this anymore.
If any of you have a loving family, please find some type of hope. I don't know why you find yourself on this site but whatever is happening please remember that you are lucky enough to fall asleep feeling loved each night. Some of us, especially ones who grew up in foster care sleep each night knowing not one person in the world loves us, cares about us, thinks about us or wants us. It's a very sad and lonely existence. It's agonising. Having bpd my worst fear is being all alone, so I'm living in my worst nightmare as you can imagine. I can't do this anymore. I'm so tired, I'm so exhausted. It's so painful. I'm crying as I write this because tonight is really tough too. Months ago I said something so silly. I told someone if they ever left me I'd end my life. The person told me he'd take a break from me but when I was better he'd come back. He's not coming back, there's a lot of back and fourth with my mental health worker and this male professional the mental health professional is now leaving and as a result I won't be having another mental health worker. I wish I could take back what I said to him but I can't. Now I'm all alone again, no one cares about me. I can't live like this anymore. If there's was one person in the world who cared about me and loved me or just cared with no I'll intent, it would be enough to keep me alive. But without care or companionship in my life, I can't live. I'll be gone in a week when the meto arrives. Thanks for reading and sorry for bothering your day. I just needed to write this because it's hard crying by myself.
If any of you have a loving family, please find some type of hope. I don't know why you find yourself on this site but whatever is happening please remember that you are lucky enough to fall asleep feeling loved each night. Some of us, especially ones who grew up in foster care sleep each night knowing not one person in the world loves us, cares about us, thinks about us or wants us. It's a very sad and lonely existence. It's agonising. Having bpd my worst fear is being all alone, so I'm living in my worst nightmare as you can imagine. I can't do this anymore. I'm so tired, I'm so exhausted. It's so painful. I'm crying as I write this because tonight is really tough too. Months ago I said something so silly. I told someone if they ever left me I'd end my life. The person told me he'd take a break from me but when I was better he'd come back. He's not coming back, there's a lot of back and fourth with my mental health worker and this male professional the mental health professional is now leaving and as a result I won't be having another mental health worker. I wish I could take back what I said to him but I can't. Now I'm all alone again, no one cares about me. I can't live like this anymore. If there's was one person in the world who cared about me and loved me or just cared with no I'll intent, it would be enough to keep me alive. But without care or companionship in my life, I can't live. I'll be gone in a week when the meto arrives. Thanks for reading and sorry for bothering your day. I just needed to write this because it's hard crying by myself.
