orpheus_
Member
- Apr 26, 2024
- 15
In a few days I will be starting university again. I dropped out last year because I was so tired I couldn't attend classes, wouldn't even dream of trying to pass the exams. Also I had no reason to be going there because I was planning to CTB anyway. Well, here I am, alive, unfortunately, starting another degree because I need something, anything to do, and I don't want to destroy myself completely by isolating myself at home. Also I need to convince my parents (who don't live with me) that I'm doing good, and for that I need to be going to uni or doing ANYTHING other than staying home.
I want to go to university again. Get out of my small apartment, which is making me sick already, get out of this boring, uneventful life. This is my chance, another one. But I'm so scared I will fail again.
I am also scared of socializing, although I feel terribly lonely and would love someone to talk to irl. I am trans and I'm scared that people will harass me because of it, though it didn't happen when I was last attending uni. Still there's a chance. At the same time, I desperately want friends, but I also want to isolate. I'm scared that I will not be able to talk to anyone again, like it was last year. Seeing people have friends and enjoy their lives was painful, knowing I will probably never get that. Who would want to befriend a depressed, boring dude like me anyway? I'm just a burden to every person I know, and nobody wants to get themselves into a relationship like this. With a person whose life is a mess, who lost their entire personality because of contant suicidal thoughts. I don't even have interests anymore because complete anhedonia killed all of them. I thought things would get back on track when I started taking meds, but they only helped me for like a month and now I feel like I'm back where I was.
I really want things to be better. I want my life to be more than just trying to survive, sleeping most of the time, giving all of my energy into trying to keep myself alive, maintaining hygiene and feeding myself. I know I can get out, I have more energy than I used to (I guess the meds are still doing somtehing lol) but I still just lack motivation. I know that going back to university is my chance. Also a chance to meet some people, I feel terrible when I have no social interaction. I'm just so scared I will fail again and going there will lead me to more misery because I will see al these people who live their lives normally, and know I will never be like them.
I want to go to university again. Get out of my small apartment, which is making me sick already, get out of this boring, uneventful life. This is my chance, another one. But I'm so scared I will fail again.
I am also scared of socializing, although I feel terribly lonely and would love someone to talk to irl. I am trans and I'm scared that people will harass me because of it, though it didn't happen when I was last attending uni. Still there's a chance. At the same time, I desperately want friends, but I also want to isolate. I'm scared that I will not be able to talk to anyone again, like it was last year. Seeing people have friends and enjoy their lives was painful, knowing I will probably never get that. Who would want to befriend a depressed, boring dude like me anyway? I'm just a burden to every person I know, and nobody wants to get themselves into a relationship like this. With a person whose life is a mess, who lost their entire personality because of contant suicidal thoughts. I don't even have interests anymore because complete anhedonia killed all of them. I thought things would get back on track when I started taking meds, but they only helped me for like a month and now I feel like I'm back where I was.
I really want things to be better. I want my life to be more than just trying to survive, sleeping most of the time, giving all of my energy into trying to keep myself alive, maintaining hygiene and feeding myself. I know I can get out, I have more energy than I used to (I guess the meds are still doing somtehing lol) but I still just lack motivation. I know that going back to university is my chance. Also a chance to meet some people, I feel terrible when I have no social interaction. I'm just so scared I will fail again and going there will lead me to more misery because I will see al these people who live their lives normally, and know I will never be like them.
