God Hates Me

[hoppybunny]

Im so devastated right now. And I'm just so angry cause i can't even kill myself next year like i planned. Cause like, my mum lost her brother last year, (my uncle) then literally on easter she lost her mother, (my grandma) and today her dad, (my grandpa). I don't think she can handle loosing her child to next year. And it's like I can't keep handling loss after loss like this. Everytime i try to get better God punishes me by making my parents harass me or killing someone i love. I can't keep doing this anymore. I can't even imagine how my poor mother must feel yet i can't stop thinking about myself. Im so worthless. I just kept thinking about how i haven't eaten and it would be wierd for me to it. Or how i have to tell my friends so they know why I'm disappearing for a month. Like I'm obviously devastated that my grandfather passed away. I'm genuinely just dumbfounded. But i hate that I'm not only thinking about my poor mother. I hate myself for being so selfish. I hate everything. And then when my mum found out his health may be an issue she started talking about my weight again. And it's like im trying to comfort you yet I'm catching strays and i can't defend myself cause she just lost her dad. I know im fat and ugly and unhealthy but do i need to hear that right now. I just hate how I'm feeling so much.

Im tired of this. I'm tired of everything. I want to die. I can't deal with this. All this complicated emotions. Im sick of it. I just want to stop thinking.

 

[TragedyBornCrimson]

Your in a complicated situation, kudos to you for thinking about staying strong for your mom

 

[needthebus]

you're actually a really decent person for having complex feelings about this

you're doing your best not to be selfish and either not do it or wait and not do it right now out of empathy

that's a kind thing to do

you sound like a nice person, be easier on yourself

 

[hoppybunny]

Your in a complicated situation, kudos to you for thinking about staying strong for your mom

Thank you. I was giving myself one more year to live like a normal person but I'm certain I can't kill myself for a good 5-10 years now. So I'll stay strong for her sake till then. Hopefully i feel better by then

 

[dqngerous]

i understand to an extent. i still feel selfish about wanting to ctb after my mom died in 2017. obviously it's different when it's multiple people that have died, but i know how you feel.

and i'm sorry that your mom comments on your weight. that's not fair to you at all. even if she's grieving, you're grieving too.

 

[hoppybunny]

you're actually a really decent person for having complex feelings about this

you're doing your best not to be selfish and either not do it or wait and not do it right now out of empathy

that's a kind thing to do

you sound like a nice person, be easier on yourself

Thank you so much