helplesship
helpfriendshipdrainfiasco
- May 13, 2025
- 71
my motivation and goals totally depend on other people and their damn expectations. all this time i've been living like i'm just here to meet those expectations, fulfill their hopes, be everything they want from me, like i'm nothing but some worthless investment to them, even my own parents. i don't even think i'm selfish or anything, but that's just how it is. the one thing fucked up here is... i literally can't do shit. maybe i'm just dumb or something, i literally can't do anything... i can't move, i can't do this or that, i got no hope or motivation left. from the start, i always knew i shouldn't have been born, so... what the hell am i even doing? ain't it all gonna be pointless anyway? i gotta fight my damn instinct just to keep trying, 'cause i know it'll all just fail in the end. im so sick of failing. every time i try something new or whatever, some other guy always shows up who's better than me. instead of turning that shit into motivation, i just end up insecure as hell. im terrified they'll see me as a joke or something, i get scared of shit that hasn't even happened yet. what a pussy move. my life is literally nothing but failure after failure, i can't meet any of the shit people want from me to get better. i'm just lazy and dumb. i can't even keep up with the others my age. i'm always jealous seeing dudes who were on my level now rocket to success. i end up fucking everything up. whenever i get a chance or whatever, i just ignore it and wreck it. i'm so done with this shit. it's obvious the problem here is me, i'm the fuckin problem, and i'm the one who has to fix it by ending it all... maybe even ending my life, i guess. that seems like the only way out
so what the fuck have i been doing all this time? they keep giving me hope, and ... they even talk about supporting me? my parents, even though they never wanted me in the first place, they had no choice but to raise me, full-on. forced, knowing all that... it feels so fucked up. i shouldn't even be here, i shouldn't exist. they did all that crap for me, and in the end they're tired of me, me the dumbass who should've never been born and keeps fucking everything up. like there's literally nothing to salvage in me. i'm like some idiot too dumb to even know he's an idiot. people might say 'fuck it, just live your life,' but if everything's just gonna fail eventually, why the hell bother? i don't know, maybe i'm just being too pessimistic or what, but voices in my head keep whispering all this bullshit about stereotypes and shit, about the world. this world is actually awesome, lit even... damn, there are people out there becoming fighter pilots, astronauts, scientists and shit, isn't that crazy? and if you feel like a failure, that's on you, you're the dumb one. you haven't done anything meaningful here, and you wanna keep living? for this so-called beautiful world? in the end you'll be just a mosquito, buzzing around, causing problems for others. but yeah... this survival instinct bullshit is still in my head, why is it keeping me from doing what i've planned, like catching the bus or whatever, why? am i feeling pity for people who've spent time on me (if there even are any), or is it the opposite? i'm confused. there's way too much sociology crap and terms about conflicts in this world. i wanna be grateful, but in a situation like this... i'm lost too. compared to people in war, famine, getting raped, orphaned, bombed, war crimes, fucked economies... compared to all that, sure i'm lucky i can eat two meals a day or more. but looking at my disgusting self who can't do shit... i'm just scared of becoming a burden to people. we're social creatures, we can't live alone, but i'm already alone and still dependent on others, fuck it. i'm tired of trying, i'm scared of failing, i'm way too paranoid. maybe what i'm saying is stupid, pathetic or whatever. but i'm exhausted living alone, i got no one. even if someone is around, it's just for formality, their support and everything will just go to waste, i'm sure of it. i don't want to be a burden, and someone like me, a burden they'd definitely want to ditch. i'm unstable, if being thankful means i shouldn't have been born in the first place, then fuck yeah i'm thankful for that, i'm confused
im already a fucking burden, acting all fucked up. going against social norms cuz i'm gay, no place for me. i'm a burden, i'm stupid, i'm dumb, going off track again, like... what the fuck is even left to dig out in me? it's all negative shit, like all the sins in the world are in me. basically if any of you knew me, you'd definitely stay the fuck away, i'm sure of it. shit, i feel bad for my parents having to raise someone useless like me, i know i'm no use staying here. i'm a failure, the very definition of failure. they should've just retired by now and been enjoying their old age together, watching my older siblings succeed and shit, without having to worry about someone who shouldn't even be here like me. raising me, and in the end it's me who's messed it all up. people i knew, they all changed, became successful, made it... their status is way higher than mine. and i'm here, still the same dumbass as before, i can't change, i can't keep up with them. i'm jealous, but getting jealous is dumb when i'm the reason for my own failure. if i get any older, i know i'll become homeless for sure. i won't have my own house or anything, still living with my folks. i'm ashamed of that. i wanna try to change, but... this failure? why do i always think about shit that hasn't even happened yet? why do i always end up avoiding and wasting everything, paranoid and whatnot? why am i so dumb? and why is it so hard to fight the survival instinct in my head? i just wanna leave them to live better without a dumbass like me around. in the end it'll all be the same if i stick around, i don't wanna wait another year to make this decision again, i want it all to end soon. what do i even want to become if i keep living, since i'm just dumb? maybe off myself, leaving everything that might help me in the future, but... the failure... i can't deny it anymore. 3 years, 3 years, 3 years, 3 years - it's all the same shit, a time loop gaslighting me that life isn't that bad, but when you look in the mirror, it turns out you're still a dumbass burden
so what the fuck have i been doing all this time? they keep giving me hope, and ... they even talk about supporting me? my parents, even though they never wanted me in the first place, they had no choice but to raise me, full-on. forced, knowing all that... it feels so fucked up. i shouldn't even be here, i shouldn't exist. they did all that crap for me, and in the end they're tired of me, me the dumbass who should've never been born and keeps fucking everything up. like there's literally nothing to salvage in me. i'm like some idiot too dumb to even know he's an idiot. people might say 'fuck it, just live your life,' but if everything's just gonna fail eventually, why the hell bother? i don't know, maybe i'm just being too pessimistic or what, but voices in my head keep whispering all this bullshit about stereotypes and shit, about the world. this world is actually awesome, lit even... damn, there are people out there becoming fighter pilots, astronauts, scientists and shit, isn't that crazy? and if you feel like a failure, that's on you, you're the dumb one. you haven't done anything meaningful here, and you wanna keep living? for this so-called beautiful world? in the end you'll be just a mosquito, buzzing around, causing problems for others. but yeah... this survival instinct bullshit is still in my head, why is it keeping me from doing what i've planned, like catching the bus or whatever, why? am i feeling pity for people who've spent time on me (if there even are any), or is it the opposite? i'm confused. there's way too much sociology crap and terms about conflicts in this world. i wanna be grateful, but in a situation like this... i'm lost too. compared to people in war, famine, getting raped, orphaned, bombed, war crimes, fucked economies... compared to all that, sure i'm lucky i can eat two meals a day or more. but looking at my disgusting self who can't do shit... i'm just scared of becoming a burden to people. we're social creatures, we can't live alone, but i'm already alone and still dependent on others, fuck it. i'm tired of trying, i'm scared of failing, i'm way too paranoid. maybe what i'm saying is stupid, pathetic or whatever. but i'm exhausted living alone, i got no one. even if someone is around, it's just for formality, their support and everything will just go to waste, i'm sure of it. i don't want to be a burden, and someone like me, a burden they'd definitely want to ditch. i'm unstable, if being thankful means i shouldn't have been born in the first place, then fuck yeah i'm thankful for that, i'm confused
im already a fucking burden, acting all fucked up. going against social norms cuz i'm gay, no place for me. i'm a burden, i'm stupid, i'm dumb, going off track again, like... what the fuck is even left to dig out in me? it's all negative shit, like all the sins in the world are in me. basically if any of you knew me, you'd definitely stay the fuck away, i'm sure of it. shit, i feel bad for my parents having to raise someone useless like me, i know i'm no use staying here. i'm a failure, the very definition of failure. they should've just retired by now and been enjoying their old age together, watching my older siblings succeed and shit, without having to worry about someone who shouldn't even be here like me. raising me, and in the end it's me who's messed it all up. people i knew, they all changed, became successful, made it... their status is way higher than mine. and i'm here, still the same dumbass as before, i can't change, i can't keep up with them. i'm jealous, but getting jealous is dumb when i'm the reason for my own failure. if i get any older, i know i'll become homeless for sure. i won't have my own house or anything, still living with my folks. i'm ashamed of that. i wanna try to change, but... this failure? why do i always think about shit that hasn't even happened yet? why do i always end up avoiding and wasting everything, paranoid and whatnot? why am i so dumb? and why is it so hard to fight the survival instinct in my head? i just wanna leave them to live better without a dumbass like me around. in the end it'll all be the same if i stick around, i don't wanna wait another year to make this decision again, i want it all to end soon. what do i even want to become if i keep living, since i'm just dumb? maybe off myself, leaving everything that might help me in the future, but... the failure... i can't deny it anymore. 3 years, 3 years, 3 years, 3 years - it's all the same shit, a time loop gaslighting me that life isn't that bad, but when you look in the mirror, it turns out you're still a dumbass burden
