giving life one last go

[exhaustedrabbit]

I'm checking myself into a hospital tomorrow. I feel like I owe it to my wonderful boyfriend and very good friends to give intensive therapy one last shot. Not really sure how things will change after a week of in-patient care, but unless I go I feel like I won't know if my suicidal ideation is something my brain made up in response to pain or if it's actually a logical choice.

I've been hanging by a dwindling thread for a couple months now. Maybe this will work out and maybe it won't, but I owe it to my partner to try.

I did order SN on Monday and it's set to deliver from either tomorrow to the 16th so that may be intercepted by family, but since I live in the US I'm not too worried about securing it if it turns out I do need it. Either way, if they open my mail and see it they'll maybe take my pain seriously for once, or they don't open it and I can store it away in case I ever need it. Or throw it away of my own volition if I decide that suicide isn't the answer.

It's really odd. I know I should say suicide is Never the answer but, sometimes philosophically it looks like certain things just aren't sustainable. Or at the very least costly to sustain without ever guaranteeing a life worth living. Anyway, here goes one last good ole fashioned try. Fingers crossed for miracles.

 

[PeacefulStars]

I wish you luck!

 

[Rif]

In spite of what certain other groups claim, we like to hear this one-more-shot response. =]

 

[Gonjoolie]

Good luck on your therapy. I hope it ends up working!

 

[fred farkle]

I like your name. Good luck,exhausted rabbit. maybe you can be energizer bunny one day.

 

[blahblahhh]

The best of wishes!!

 

[loopylou]

Good luck with your recovery!

unfortunately for me , suicide is the only answer for my mental pain

 

[exhaustedrabbit]

I like your name. Good luck,exhausted rabbit. maybe you can be energizer bunny one day.

haha thanks. I definitely was at one point and I'm hoping to be that way again.

 

[ashedout]

I hope it works out for you - good luck!!

 

[exhaustedrabbit]

Good luck with your recovery!

unfortunately for me , suicide is the only answer for my mental pain

From my philosophical perspective I definitely can't tell you that what you feel is wrong. The social and economic realities of this world can really limit options based on what you're born with. If you do ever think that it's worth it to try one last avenue / can pursue that, I'd welcome you into the boat.

 

[Lupgevif]

Wishing you a good recovery.

 

[mlmc045]

Your courage and love for those around you is admirable. Wishing you the very, very best! You deserve a contented life in the company of those you hold dear, one free from unbearable pain, with the right support if you want it.

 

[loopylou]

From my philosophical perspective I definitely can't tell you that what you feel is wrong. The social and economic realities of this world can really limit options based on what you're born with. If you do ever think that it's worth it to try one last avenue / can pursue that, I'd welcome you into the boat.

I was born to an alcoholic. My start was bad. Got dragged up with my brothers being abused. They got taken off my mother just before I was born then somehow she managed to get them back a few years later. One brother upped and left , police said presumed dead without a body. 15 years later he rocks up. Other brother nearly died last year from alcohol abuse. My younger sister is a bag of bones after having her child removed because she was abusing her , but because I'm actively suicidal I couldn't take her daughter on so she's in the care system too. I'm suffering mentally as well as having a deformed neck I'm always in pain. Just more than one stresser too far.

 

[Sadpat]

Good luck and best wishes!

 

[rookyhere]

I would encourage you to rethink this

 

[muffin222]

I'm so happy for you I'm inspired by your courage and your strength. Facing the unknown of recovery is often far scarier than it may sound on paper.
I truly wish you the very best with your recovery, and I hope brighter days come for you in the very near future. You got this!

 

[exhaustedrabbit]

I would encourage you to rethink this

1. probs irresponsible to disapprove of people giving life another shot, dude.

2. It doesn't hurt me to give it a go. I've been hospitalized before and it was actually very helpful (this 2 years ago--fixed certain problems but not others). I'm invested in trying out all options before I do something permanent. Plus it's only a 7 day stay at a privatized facility. Finally, even if things could get dystopic and prison-like, I'm a incredibly controlled person. Literally while taking the rapid COVID test to get admitted, the doctor applying it thought I needed it because I was a new hire not an incoming patient. If I need to present as zero distress, it's not really a problem for me.

I'm so happy for you I'm inspired by your courage and your strength. Facing the unknown of recovery is often far scarier than it may sound on paper.
I truly wish you the very best with your recovery, and I hope brighter days come for you in the very near future. You got this!

Thanks dude that means a lot <3

 

[Birthinjune]

I'd love to hear updates on your experience there. I've been debating doing inpatient, I went voluntarily as a teenager but haven't been since. Good luck!

 

[Adamsnolife]

Good luck

 

[Kbeau]

I'm checking myself into a hospital tomorrow. I feel like I owe it to my wonderful boyfriend and very good friends to give intensive therapy one last shot. Not really sure how things will change after a week of in-patient care, but unless I go I feel like I won't know if my suicidal ideation is something my brain made up in response to pain or if it's actually a logical choice.

I've been hanging by a dwindling thread for a couple months now. Maybe this will work out and maybe it won't, but I owe it to my partner to try.

I did order SN on Monday and it's set to deliver from either tomorrow to the 16th so that may be intercepted by family, but since I live in the US I'm not too worried about securing it if it turns out I do need it. Either way, if they open my mail and see it they'll maybe take my pain seriously for once, or they don't open it and I can store it away in case I ever need it. Or throw it away of my own volition if I decide that suicide isn't the answer.

It's really odd. I know I should say suicide is Never the answer but, sometimes philosophically it looks like certain things just aren't sustainable. Or at the very least costly to sustain without ever guaranteeing a life worth living. Anyway, here goes one last good ole fashioned try. Fingers crossed for miracles.

Good for you! Let us know if things turn around for you

 

[Neowise]

@exhaustedrabbit I admire your choice and wish you the best! Hopefully it will all go well for you :)

Probably some naive advise from someone who has never been in such sort of hospital, but whenever negative thoughts arise try to distract yourself. Use the recreational offers, go for a walk (with other patients), engage in conversations with them, ...
I usually feel worst when I have nothing to do so I just spiral down negative thoughts, that's why I find studying for exams quite relaxing in that sense.

 

[wordsonscreen]

I'm so so proud of you <3 I hope it goes well- please advocate for yourself and ask for support when you need it! And also feel free to tell your providers if its a bad match :) A good care team is very important!! You got this <3

 

[Spiral]

Good luck <3 I hope you find what you are looking for and your time in hospital brings you some relief xx

 

[exhaustedrabbit]

Update to this over a month later: I was in the hospital for a week with a great team who set me up in a 28 residential program. Met a lot of great people, some who will certainly be life-long friends. I am currently in a PHP program.

Seriously, ask for help, babes. In the end it only took 35 days for me to get a hold of a new lease on life. Part of that was also getting me off of Prozac which was Really Really fucking with my brain chemistry (yet my psychiatrist wouldn't let me go off it). Advocate for yourselves and try new avenues. You never know what wonderful shit you might get. In February I was ready to die. Now at the end of March, I have a group chat going and we're making shirts with inside jokes plastered on 'em.

I'll be here for the next couple days to answer some questions but then I'm deleting my account here <3