Give it to me straight, am I screwed?

[DesperateOne]

I want to ask this here since people don't sugar coat stuff.

Most of my life I've dissociated in my own world due to depression, elementary school bullying and extreme social anxiety. Developed a big internet addiction. I want you to take me literally when I say this, ever since then (10-23 years old) I spent majority of my time in isolation/on the internet. My average time online was 8-12 hours per day, sometimes that turned into whole nighters. I was online not because I enjoyed it, but because my brain told me I MUST be. I truly mean that in every way. Had no friends, no major social experiences, no girlfriend, had a messed up sleep schedule with very little sleep, no true education since I skipped it for screen time, couldn't enjoy time with my family since my mind was completely fried due to screens. Basically I was hikikomori that grew up online.

The friends that I did have were some guys in high school, but due to me having a ton of anxiety, mind fried by screens and no social skills I was pretty much only invited out so I could be a convo starter and so that they could make fun of me. Besides that I spent my socialization time watching Youtubers, Twitch streamers and using the chat box.

Something happened recently that brought a bunch of these realizations onto me and now I want to change things. I'm looking back at this 10-12 year big black hole and regret/anxiety attacks are hitting me non stop on much I've missed out on. When I come out of my room to hang out with my family waves of saddness flow over me due to how much time I've missed out when I could be spending it with them. When I try to talk to other people I realize that they are decades ahead of me in terms of life and social experiences. I realize that I'm completely out of touch with normal people and culture in our country. My communication skills have been completely forgotten and overall it feels like isolation and screen time has completely destroyed my brain and warped my perception of the real world.

My mom and dad are for sure not right in the head due to their own traumatic pasts (one comes from a fucked up family and another grew up without a dad which then became a depressed alcoholic), but they are the sweetest people in the world that gave me everything that I asked for. Still, looking back I don't even know how my family allowed this to happen. How did they not see the suffering/addiction? Maybe I was just pretending that well that everything was okay?

I don't know if such a mess can even be fixed at this point even if I put in the effort. I don't know if my brain will handle real life without the comfort of the screens. I don't know if I can deal with all of the traumas that I pushed deep down with screens since they are bound to surface once I unplug. People are already starting families and leaving those childhood/highschool years behind, but here I am completely mentally stuck in those elementary school traumas/days at 23 years old! Again, no major social experiences, no education or skills, no relationship skills, no friends and no quality family time.

Please give it to me straight and don't sugar coat it. Am I fucked?

 

[larastoned]

No, you are not. Actually, it seems to me like you're already on the right track, i.e. you are now recognizing where/what you messed up. Now, it's just up to you if you will be willing to put in the work to become "better". I'm not gonna lie to you though, it will be extremely difficult.

 

[Scattered-Soul]

First I'm gonna reply to your question "Still, looking back I don't even know how my family allowed this to happen. How did they not see the suffering/addiction?". I'm pretty sure you were neglected, that's why. And I'm incredibly sorry that you had to experience it.

As for the rest of the post, I'm gonna give my honest personal opinion from the perspective of someone who's in a similar situation + I'm severely disabled on top of it. Your situation is nowhere near hopeless, believe me and you've already made progress just by having the realization and wish to change your life. I know this is pretty cliche to say but 23 isn't old at all, 30 isn't either, in fact as long as you're alive you can attempt to turn your life around and if you don't try then you'll never know if it's even possible.

You're not the only one who's dealing with this, there are countless people who are supposedly behind in life. Thing is, there isn't a right way to go about living life but I completely understand your feelings and wish for it to have been different (again, it's the same with me). First step would be to not compare yourself to others, start easy, don't try to change yourself and your daily routines at once and to hurry up to make immediate progress because you'll just get overwhelmed and revert back to your comfort zone and the things you know best. That being said, it's still going to be challenging and you'll mostly have yourself to rely on to make a change.

You aren't fucked. And good luck with your progress!

 

[carac]

The human body is extremely resilient and adaptable, you are very far from a lost cause, just take it slow and a little at at time, there is no rush, heck I am 46 and just starting out again like an 18 year old college leaver.

 

[letmejoindeath]

I want to ask this here since people don't sugar coat stuff.

Most of my life I've dissociated in my own world due to depression, elementary school bullying and extreme social anxiety. Developed a big internet addiction. I want you to take me literally when I say this, ever since then (10-23 years old) I spent majority of my time in isolation/on the internet. My average time online was 8-12 hours per day, sometimes that turned into whole nighters. I was online not because I enjoyed it, but because my brain told me I MUST be. I truly mean that in every way. Had no friends, no major social experiences, no girlfriend, had a messed up sleep schedule with very little sleep, no true education since I skipped it for screen time, couldn't enjoy time with my family since my mind was completely fried due to screens. Basically I was hikikomori that grew up online.

The friends that I did have were some guys in high school, but due to me having a ton of anxiety, mind fried by screens and no social skills I was pretty much only invited out so I could be a convo starter and so that they could make fun of me. Besides that I spent my socialization time watching Youtubers, Twitch streamers and using the chat box.

Something happened recently that brought a bunch of these realizations onto me and now I want to change things. I'm looking back at this 10-12 year big black hole and regret/anxiety attacks are hitting me non stop on much I've missed out on. When I come out of my room to hang out with my family waves of saddness flow over me due to how much time I've missed out when I could be spending it with them. When I try to talk to other people I realize that they are decades ahead of me in terms of life and social experiences. I realize that I'm completely out of touch with normal people and culture in our country. My communication skills have been completely forgotten and overall it feels like isolation and screen time has completely destroyed my brain and warped my perception of the real world.

My mom and dad are for sure not right in the head due to their own traumatic pasts (one comes from a fucked up family and another grew up without a dad which then became a depressed alcoholic), but they are the sweetest people in the world that gave me everything that I asked for. Still, looking back I don't even know how my family allowed this to happen. How did they not see the suffering/addiction? Maybe I was just pretending that well that everything was okay?

I don't know if such a mess can even be fixed at this point even if I put in the effort. I don't know if my brain will handle real life without the comfort of the screens. I don't know if I can deal with all of the traumas that I pushed deep down with screens since they are bound to surface once I unplug. People are already starting families and leaving those childhood/highschool years behind, but here I am completely mentally stuck in those elementary school traumas/days at 23 years old! Again, no major social experiences, no education or skills, no relationship skills, no friends and no quality family time.

Please give it to me straight and don't sugar coat it. Am I fucked?

Im 35 with no family, a job that pays 15$/h working for the county. My spending money for the month is 400$ for groceries and gas.

if I was 23 my advice to myself would be "don't ever become sober, just stay on the drugs until you die. Maybe experiment with fentanyl and see how much you can do at once"

Honestly hope is the worst thing to ever happen to me