zadyszka
Professional girlboyfailure.
- Feb 15, 2024
- 6
Venting, mainly about my life, gender, and the day I wanted to CTB. Feel free to ignore.
TW for sexual assault & abuse. Mentions of EDs and drug abuse, although only in 1 - 2 sentences each.
I will seperate this insane wall of text into seperate parts, so it's easier to read and you can skip parts you don't want to read.
TL;DR at the end.
1) My childhood. Mentions of abuse + drug addiction.
I don't even know where to start. When I was younger, I expected my teenage years to be everything but this. I imagined hanging out with friends on a daily basis, having fun, see other cities, all of these things. I believed that the world outside of my abusive household was amazing, as perfect as it can be. I was proven wrong sooner than expected. Turns out, being a girl is fucking pain and every single day of my pathetic life I wished I was anything but a girl. Life outside of my house has traumatized me to an insane extent at ages as young as 11, however life inside my house isn't much better. My father was abusive, hitting me on a daily basis before eventually leaving with all the money we had. Why did he abuse me? All because I was born a fucking girl. Girls aren't worthy of love, he said. He wished for a boy so dearly, he abused me for something I could never control. I'm glad he's no longer with us, I haven't spoken to him in ages. However, living with my mom isn't much better. She blames me for everything, all the pain she's went through because of my father is apparently my fault. Him leaving is apparently my fault. His drug & gambling addictions were apparently my fault. Where do you go when home doesn't make you feel at home, when home doesn't make you feel safe? Outside? Even worse.
2) The day I wanted to CTB. Mentions of SA.
After being sexually assaulted multiple times I've lost all motivation to leave my house. The most recent case was in september, one day before I wanted to CTB. Oh, how I wish it would've worked. Something came between it, something that makes me so unbelievably angry I want to rip my face off. There was this guy I talked to. I had no romantic interest in him at all, and I've made that very clear multiple times. One day before my birthday, we coincidentally saw each other outside. He lives 2 hours away from my city, so this was quite unexpected. Turns out he somehow knew about my plan to CTB the next day, and out of all the things he could've said in that situation, he asked me out on a date..? I remember his words so clearly. "Why don't we go on one last date together? I don't want to waste my chance with a pretty girl like you. Maybe you'll change your mind about tomorrow." (roughly translated, since I don't live in an english speaking country.) ... WHY WOULD ANYONE SAY THAT AFTER FINDING OUT I WAS ABOUT TO CTB THE NEXT DAY?? I disagreed, which resulted in him trying to convince me otherwise while sexually assaulting me. Isn't that just fucking great? WHAT A FUCKING PRICK!!!! I somehow managed to convince him to let me go, because it was getting late and I had to go home. On my way home, I wanted to text my mother to let her know that I was on my way home. I searched for my phone in my bag everywhere, with little success. I looked around outside, I couldn't find it anywhere, which lead me to believe that the guy stole my phone (which turned out to be true.) I went home crying, telling my mom about everything. Due to it being pretty late, she refused to go to the police with me, insisting we wait until the next day because it was too late. We did go to the police station the next day, however that was also the day I planned to CTB. We were busy almost all day, due to the nearest police station being very far away & us not owning a car. After we went home, I thought about everything that had happened the past 2 days. I didn't want terrible days like these to be my last, so after pondering for a while I decided not to do it. None of this would've happened if I wasn't a fucking girl, THAT GUY WOULD'VE NEVER DONE THAT!! To this day he keeps claiming I was "giving him signs that I want him" BULLSHIT!!! I FUCKING HATE HIM!!! Oh well. I apologize for ranting about this specific story for so long, it still keeps me up at night due to it being recent.
3) Gender. Mentions of EDs.
I HATE THAT NONE OF THIS ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT WOULD'VE EVER HAPPENED IF I WAS NEVER BORN A GIRL!!!! I've always hated my body, but I always thought it was just due to my eating disorder which I developed at a very young age and still have. However, a while ago I've considered that it may be due to different reasons. I don't want to be a girl, I don't feel comfortable being a girl. I never wanted to be a girl. However, I don't want to be a boy either. It's been on my mind a lot.. I don't think I'm a girl. I don't feel like one. Hell, why does gender matter if I don't even feel real most days? I don't want to have a gender, I don't even want to live. I feel uncomfortable with any term there is, gender is fucking bullshit!! My mind has been such a mess today.. I have nowhere else to leave these thoughts, I have no friends. Not online, nor IRL.
4) Unhealthy obssesion with BF + talking about therapy.
Everything has been shit recently. I got into a big argument with my boyfriend just yesterday, I was absolutely unable to think clearly. I recently stopped going to therapy as well, due to my therapist being absolute garbage. She never listened to me, she made me feel like I was overreacting, like my problems weren't as severe as I thought. That's not what therapy is supposed to do, is it? I know, "if it smells like shit everywhere you go you might want to check under your own shoe", and I often do. I often think I'm the problem, that maybe all of the things that happened to me so far are my fault & my fault only. Maybe my mother was right, maybe the reason my father left was truly my fault. Regarding the fight with my boyfriend, it was very stressful for me. Yes, having a fight with your loved ones is always stressful, but it was.. odd. Never in my life have I ever been this scared of someone leaving me, it's like I need him to exist. He's the only reason I'm still here, I would've killed myself in october if he wasn't there for me. The only reason I even want to live is him. I don't feel any joy in life unless I'm with him, I feel completely numb unless I'm with him. I barely feel anything at all. This isn't normal, is it? I don't know.. It doesn't feel normal, it doesn't feel healthy. I haven't yet talked to him about it, out of fear that he will think I'm weird & leave me. It's an irrational fear, deep down I know he'd never do something like that.. but still.
There's so much more I want to say, but I don't want to make this longer than it already is. I drifted off completely, my mind just jumped from thing to thing so it got derailed a bit.. I apologize.
TL;DR (same TWs apply)
1) Father abused me just because I was a girl & my mother blamed him leaving & everything that happened on me. Sucks ass dude.
2) Guy SA'd me for rejecting him after he asked me out on a date because he found out I was gonna CTB the next day.
3) I don't want to be a girl, I don't feel like a girl. I don't feel like any gender at all. Gender sucks ass, too confusing.
4) I've developed some kind of obsession with my boyfriend, very odd. I quit therapy due to my therapist not listening to me at all & now my life is kinda falling apart.
I apologize if I made any grammatical mistakes or worded some things weirdly or forgot words at certain parts, my mind is a mess and I can't think clearly at this moment. English isn't my first language and it's 6 AM where I live, I haven't slept yet. Please spare me.
Mwah, I hope you have a better day than I had.
TW for sexual assault & abuse. Mentions of EDs and drug abuse, although only in 1 - 2 sentences each.
I will seperate this insane wall of text into seperate parts, so it's easier to read and you can skip parts you don't want to read.
TL;DR at the end.
1) My childhood. Mentions of abuse + drug addiction.
I don't even know where to start. When I was younger, I expected my teenage years to be everything but this. I imagined hanging out with friends on a daily basis, having fun, see other cities, all of these things. I believed that the world outside of my abusive household was amazing, as perfect as it can be. I was proven wrong sooner than expected. Turns out, being a girl is fucking pain and every single day of my pathetic life I wished I was anything but a girl. Life outside of my house has traumatized me to an insane extent at ages as young as 11, however life inside my house isn't much better. My father was abusive, hitting me on a daily basis before eventually leaving with all the money we had. Why did he abuse me? All because I was born a fucking girl. Girls aren't worthy of love, he said. He wished for a boy so dearly, he abused me for something I could never control. I'm glad he's no longer with us, I haven't spoken to him in ages. However, living with my mom isn't much better. She blames me for everything, all the pain she's went through because of my father is apparently my fault. Him leaving is apparently my fault. His drug & gambling addictions were apparently my fault. Where do you go when home doesn't make you feel at home, when home doesn't make you feel safe? Outside? Even worse.
2) The day I wanted to CTB. Mentions of SA.
After being sexually assaulted multiple times I've lost all motivation to leave my house. The most recent case was in september, one day before I wanted to CTB. Oh, how I wish it would've worked. Something came between it, something that makes me so unbelievably angry I want to rip my face off. There was this guy I talked to. I had no romantic interest in him at all, and I've made that very clear multiple times. One day before my birthday, we coincidentally saw each other outside. He lives 2 hours away from my city, so this was quite unexpected. Turns out he somehow knew about my plan to CTB the next day, and out of all the things he could've said in that situation, he asked me out on a date..? I remember his words so clearly. "Why don't we go on one last date together? I don't want to waste my chance with a pretty girl like you. Maybe you'll change your mind about tomorrow." (roughly translated, since I don't live in an english speaking country.) ... WHY WOULD ANYONE SAY THAT AFTER FINDING OUT I WAS ABOUT TO CTB THE NEXT DAY?? I disagreed, which resulted in him trying to convince me otherwise while sexually assaulting me. Isn't that just fucking great? WHAT A FUCKING PRICK!!!! I somehow managed to convince him to let me go, because it was getting late and I had to go home. On my way home, I wanted to text my mother to let her know that I was on my way home. I searched for my phone in my bag everywhere, with little success. I looked around outside, I couldn't find it anywhere, which lead me to believe that the guy stole my phone (which turned out to be true.) I went home crying, telling my mom about everything. Due to it being pretty late, she refused to go to the police with me, insisting we wait until the next day because it was too late. We did go to the police station the next day, however that was also the day I planned to CTB. We were busy almost all day, due to the nearest police station being very far away & us not owning a car. After we went home, I thought about everything that had happened the past 2 days. I didn't want terrible days like these to be my last, so after pondering for a while I decided not to do it. None of this would've happened if I wasn't a fucking girl, THAT GUY WOULD'VE NEVER DONE THAT!! To this day he keeps claiming I was "giving him signs that I want him" BULLSHIT!!! I FUCKING HATE HIM!!! Oh well. I apologize for ranting about this specific story for so long, it still keeps me up at night due to it being recent.
3) Gender. Mentions of EDs.
I HATE THAT NONE OF THIS ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT WOULD'VE EVER HAPPENED IF I WAS NEVER BORN A GIRL!!!! I've always hated my body, but I always thought it was just due to my eating disorder which I developed at a very young age and still have. However, a while ago I've considered that it may be due to different reasons. I don't want to be a girl, I don't feel comfortable being a girl. I never wanted to be a girl. However, I don't want to be a boy either. It's been on my mind a lot.. I don't think I'm a girl. I don't feel like one. Hell, why does gender matter if I don't even feel real most days? I don't want to have a gender, I don't even want to live. I feel uncomfortable with any term there is, gender is fucking bullshit!! My mind has been such a mess today.. I have nowhere else to leave these thoughts, I have no friends. Not online, nor IRL.
4) Unhealthy obssesion with BF + talking about therapy.
Everything has been shit recently. I got into a big argument with my boyfriend just yesterday, I was absolutely unable to think clearly. I recently stopped going to therapy as well, due to my therapist being absolute garbage. She never listened to me, she made me feel like I was overreacting, like my problems weren't as severe as I thought. That's not what therapy is supposed to do, is it? I know, "if it smells like shit everywhere you go you might want to check under your own shoe", and I often do. I often think I'm the problem, that maybe all of the things that happened to me so far are my fault & my fault only. Maybe my mother was right, maybe the reason my father left was truly my fault. Regarding the fight with my boyfriend, it was very stressful for me. Yes, having a fight with your loved ones is always stressful, but it was.. odd. Never in my life have I ever been this scared of someone leaving me, it's like I need him to exist. He's the only reason I'm still here, I would've killed myself in october if he wasn't there for me. The only reason I even want to live is him. I don't feel any joy in life unless I'm with him, I feel completely numb unless I'm with him. I barely feel anything at all. This isn't normal, is it? I don't know.. It doesn't feel normal, it doesn't feel healthy. I haven't yet talked to him about it, out of fear that he will think I'm weird & leave me. It's an irrational fear, deep down I know he'd never do something like that.. but still.
There's so much more I want to say, but I don't want to make this longer than it already is. I drifted off completely, my mind just jumped from thing to thing so it got derailed a bit.. I apologize.
TL;DR (same TWs apply)
1) Father abused me just because I was a girl & my mother blamed him leaving & everything that happened on me. Sucks ass dude.
2) Guy SA'd me for rejecting him after he asked me out on a date because he found out I was gonna CTB the next day.
3) I don't want to be a girl, I don't feel like a girl. I don't feel like any gender at all. Gender sucks ass, too confusing.
4) I've developed some kind of obsession with my boyfriend, very odd. I quit therapy due to my therapist not listening to me at all & now my life is kinda falling apart.
I apologize if I made any grammatical mistakes or worded some things weirdly or forgot words at certain parts, my mind is a mess and I can't think clearly at this moment. English isn't my first language and it's 6 AM where I live, I haven't slept yet. Please spare me.
Mwah, I hope you have a better day than I had.
