Jodes
Enlightened
- Nov 23, 2018
- 1,261
I jumped out of depression when I relied on suicidal thoughts etc as a last resort coping mechanism, knowin that I can live life without fear. But I have a compulsion lf sorts to discuss death and suicidd so openly ..... could antipsychotic meds help maybe? I don't plan on dying until I'm faced with something pretty gnarly.
To make it worse, I'm obsessed with my new pro life/death/choice attitude, openly talking about death and suicude like nothing sometimes. I don'tmever mean to cause more pain but I say the clumsiest things. Also I'm determined tgat suicide notes should be avoided, and instead put on my "bucket list" (for lack of better word) to tie such loose ends in person before i go, and give them time to do whatever eases their grief. Am I totally frikkin deluded?
I thought my was warming up to the idea tgat she us doing me a favour by letting me go first, but as we had before talked about who might go first and how hard it would be. But she can't face being alone after I'm gone - she is scared of being alone, she has no family she can ever really go to and to use her words losing the only person she ever understood and who understood her! Me! Id gsvd found that irresistibly romantic when younger but now it's all that holds me back from CTB given just the next bump in the road.
And heres what makes me a total asshole: her mother attempted suicide at 11 which she had to real with herself, incl giving her 6 yr old sister her suicide note. (Which she didnt). Plus she had another bf who isokated hinself for 2 weeks and killed himself. So my guilt is through the roof. I want to go differently,
Not feeling able or welcome to talk about suicude makes we want to self harm. But having equipment ready but in a safe place, and having a bucket list lifts me out if depression as it gives me purpose.
What fucking planet do I belong on. Help!
To make it worse, I'm obsessed with my new pro life/death/choice attitude, openly talking about death and suicude like nothing sometimes. I don'tmever mean to cause more pain but I say the clumsiest things. Also I'm determined tgat suicide notes should be avoided, and instead put on my "bucket list" (for lack of better word) to tie such loose ends in person before i go, and give them time to do whatever eases their grief. Am I totally frikkin deluded?
I thought my was warming up to the idea tgat she us doing me a favour by letting me go first, but as we had before talked about who might go first and how hard it would be. But she can't face being alone after I'm gone - she is scared of being alone, she has no family she can ever really go to and to use her words losing the only person she ever understood and who understood her! Me! Id gsvd found that irresistibly romantic when younger but now it's all that holds me back from CTB given just the next bump in the road.
And heres what makes me a total asshole: her mother attempted suicide at 11 which she had to real with herself, incl giving her 6 yr old sister her suicide note. (Which she didnt). Plus she had another bf who isokated hinself for 2 weeks and killed himself. So my guilt is through the roof. I want to go differently,
Not feeling able or welcome to talk about suicude makes we want to self harm. But having equipment ready but in a safe place, and having a bucket list lifts me out if depression as it gives me purpose.
What fucking planet do I belong on. Help!
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