same here. every day the same. looking for the exit out of this prison that is in my head. life is nice but with my mental condition it's impossible to take part in it. i would like to cry, am not able to. just functioning like a fucking machine, no own decissions and that hell of oblivion. i would like to live just a normal life but i'm trapped in my brain, not able to see or to feel whats around me.
i thought about different methods. first jumping which is the easiest way i think(no preparation, no materials needed, low chance of "bening discovered"....) i was two times at the edge of a cliff. i didn't do it, probably si disguised as "rationality" and hope. ideas like "i can try it one last time with therapy", "i think i understand the whole thing now".... then, as jumping didn't work, i tried partial. didn't work neither but i'm not sure if i really tried it. i got the rope around my nek, i pulled down but as i didn't recognize any of the effects (unconciousness) i abandoned. then i thought about co, i think its too risky for me as i'm not able to well prepare thiings because of my loss of memory. in the end i think, i'm not sure, its all a fucking escape, avoiding the final step which would be like a liberation. would be the same to lose the compulsive thiinking of my brain. both things would be the step out of my mental prision into liberty. i wasn't able to do this step in my whole life in a pro-life direction, i think about changing my life, searching for help..., it seems to me that i'm not able to do it in the other direction, that is ctb.
i want to do it during the next month. i have to do it. it's sad. sun is shining, women are beautyful, nature is growing in spring, but i can't stand it any more.
by the way. thank you for this forum. it is such a nice place of liberty. love you all
