Getting rid of everything

[Funeralprincess]

I currently have been destroying documents, selling clothes, and more so when I die there isn't much those near me have to deal with. I have done nothing but cry through this process. It's so challenging knowing I have to do this… that there really isn't any other choice because of how bad things have become. I get so upset knowing my life would've been a lot better had I not been cursed with bipolar, the disease that took all the good away from me. It also irritates me that most people around me are just lying straight to my face; "we love you! You're worth something! You are valuable!" But their actions fail to match their words…. I dunno what's worse, the fact they straight up lie to my face or the fact that they think I am believing their lies, and think I don't know how they really feel about me. People think mentally ill people cannot tell when we are being lied to, but we can. I'd rather hear the harsh truth than soft lies because those lies show you have no respect for me, and feel all too comfortable infantilizing me then claiming to be a good person at the end of the day.

If I could handle being alone in this fucked up world maybe I'd be more willing to "tough it out" for a few more years but I can't do that, plus It's utterly pointless to keep living just for the fuck of it. My life has become so dark, and losing the love of my life has warped my world into a very scary reality. If I'm not dealing with delusional old people screaming "you'll find someone else and live a fairytale" I'm dealing with people pretending to not see me as a diabolical monster…

As I am destroying things that I own, I keep thinking about how things could've been different if I just had not been born with all of these problems. I also thought about how my mother said she almost aborted me, and I became very angry she stupidly chose life. She knew mental issues ran in my family, and decided to go against her desire to have an abortion and birth me into this world, only to abuse and reject me because of that choice. I tried to shake the thought off but I couldn't. The fact I could've almost been terminated but wasn't brings immense anger into my soul because…. Because I should have been. I now have to terminate myself, which is ten times as much work lol and I just wish she would've not chosen to keep me. Mentally ill people that are on the severe side of things when it comes to mental illness should honestly be able to have access to death thats peaceful. Instead, we are thrown in facilities, treated like lab rats… given every medication and therapy under the sun and if none of it works we are told to start the process all over again because "there's hope".

I just am so mad she didn't kill me when she had the chance to. My mom decided to choose her political and moral high ground instead of just aborting me. I would've love to have been aborted and when I told her that she called me an ungrateful bitch…. I never wanted to live on this earth and when I was born with shit loads of problems I'm just supposed to embrace that? I think not. The sad part is she won't even miss me when I'm gone, and when I have explained this to people they just refuse to believe how she wouldn't, despite the fact she abused me and allowed her new husband to abuse me.

Life isn't for very sick people like me, and I have to remind myself of that every single day to be able to stay on track with dying. I'm learning to ignore the people who say there is hope, and I try to just remind myself that killing myself IS what needs to be done

 

[toasterbath]

Bipolar disease has cursed my life too. I hate that this society doesn't provide people with severe mental illness a painless euthanasia process. They'd rather see us get abused on the streets or be trapped in some ward or shelter where we are suffering in our minds 24/7. And exactly there is no cure it's like being a lab rat trying endless amounts of medication with nasty side effects. Not to mention these diseases get worse with age like its so evil we are told to just live with it and have our brains slowly decay, melt, and rot.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I currently have been destroying documents, selling clothes, and more so when I die there isn't much those near me have to deal with. I have done nothing but cry through this process. It's so challenging knowing I have to do this… that there really isn't any other choice because of how bad things have become. I get so upset knowing my life would've been a lot better had I not been cursed with bipolar, the disease that took all the good away from me. It also irritates me that most people around me are just lying straight to my face; "we love you! You're worth something! You are valuable!" But their actions fail to match their words…. I dunno what's worse, the fact they straight up lie to my face or the fact that they think I am believing their lies, and think I don't know how they really feel about me. People think mentally ill people cannot tell when we are being lied to, but we can. I'd rather hear the harsh truth than soft lies because those lies show you have no respect for me, and feel all too comfortable infantilizing me then claiming to be a good person at the end of the day.

If I could handle being alone in this fucked up world maybe I'd be more willing to "tough it out" for a few more years but I can't do that, plus It's utterly pointless to keep living just for the fuck of it. My life has become so dark, and losing the love of my life has warped my world into a very scary reality. If I'm not dealing with delusional old people screaming "you'll find someone else and live a fairytale" I'm dealing with people pretending to not see me as a diabolical monster…

As I am destroying things that I own, I keep thinking about how things could've been different if I just had not been born with all of these problems. I also thought about how my mother said she almost aborted me, and I became very angry she stupidly chose life. She knew mental issues ran in my family, and decided to go against her desire to have an abortion and birth me into this world, only to abuse and reject me because of that choice. I tried to shake the thought off but I couldn't. The fact I could've almost been terminated but wasn't brings immense anger into my soul because…. Because I should have been. I now have to terminate myself, which is ten times as much work lol and I just wish she would've not chosen to keep me. Mentally ill people that are on the severe side of things when it comes to mental illness should honestly be able to have access to death thats peaceful. Instead, we are thrown in facilities, treated like lab rats… given every medication and therapy under the sun and if none of it works we are told to start the process all over again because "there's hope".

I just am so mad she didn't kill me when she had the chance to. My mom decided to choose her political and moral high ground instead of just aborting me. I would've love to have been aborted and when I told her that she called me an ungrateful bitch…. I never wanted to live on this earth and when I was born with shit loads of problems I'm just supposed to embrace that? I think not. The sad part is she won't even miss me when I'm gone, and when I have explained this to people they just refuse to believe how she wouldn't, despite the fact she abused me and allowed her new husband to abuse me.

Life isn't for very sick people like me, and I have to remind myself of that every single day to be able to stay on track with dying. I'm learning to ignore the people who say there is hope, and I try to just remind myself that killing myself IS what needs to be done

I could have written a lot of this post. This is exactly what I'm doing right now. I'm getting rid of things, selling things, getting affairs in order, just to make it a little easier for whoever the court has to appoint to take care of my estate. I'm alone, too, so there's no one to take care of my stuff. I really don't know why I should care about this. After all, when I'm gone, I'm gone. Who cares if someone will have a lot to do? But, I care a little. I haven't cried during all of this, though. I see it as something that I need to do, maybe to do for me, so that I can feel like I've done what I can. I know I won't get everything done I'd like to, and I know I can just stop at any time and get on with what I need to do. There's no point in me sticking around any longer, either, all alone, just waiting on some health issue to arise, which isn't too far off, most likely. The reasons I even stuck around this long are now gone, so there's nothing holding me back, anymore.

 

[Funeralprincess]

I could have written a lot of this post. This is exactly what I'm doing right now. I'm getting rid of things, selling things, getting affairs in order, just to make it a little easier for whoever the court has to appoint to take care of my estate. I'm alone, too, so there's no one to take care of my stuff. I really don't know why I should care about this. After all, when I'm gone, I'm gone. Who cares if someone will have a lot to do? But, I care a little. I haven't cried during all of this, though. I see it as something that I need to do, maybe to do for me, so that I can feel like I've done what I can. I know I won't get everything done I'd like to, and I know I can just stop at any time and get on with what I need to do. There's no point in me sticking around any longer, either, all alone, just waiting on some health issue to arise, which isn't too far off, most likely. The reasons I even stuck around this long are now gone, so there's nothing holding me back, anymore.

I support you all the way! I think it says a lot about us that we care enough to try and ease things for others despite the hell they put us through

Bipolar disease has cursed my life too. I hate that this society doesn't provide people with severe mental illness a painless euthanasia process. They'd rather see us get abused on the streets or be trapped in some ward or shelter where we are suffering in our minds 24/7. And exactly there is no cure it's like being a lab rat trying endless amounts of medication with nasty side effects. Not to mention these diseases get worse with age like its so evil we are told to just live with it and have our brains slowly decay, melt, and rot.

Exactly. Like bipolar destroys our lives. I would still be with the man of my dreams if it wasn't for my disgusting mental illness. I hate having mental issues and I hate how people want to force us to stay alive

 

[hellispink]

It is hell to have personality disorders. I also have one. Your words really describe everything I feel. I know they won't miss me, no one. Because I am replaceable. If i feel like I don't exist now, imagine after being death, everyone will just be happy by hearing the news. It is exhausting to be existing here. I got no choice either but to leave. I must convince myself.

 

[Funeralprincess]

It is hell to have personality disorders. I also have one. Your words really describe everything I feel. I know they won't miss me, no one. Because I am replaceable. If i feel like I don't exist now, imagine after being death, everyone will just be happy by hearing the news. It is exhausting to be existing here. I got no choice either but to leave. I must convince myself.

I totally get that. Nobody is ever really going to miss us. We as mentally ill people are super easy to replace and forget about. We are burdens on everyone and so it's better for us just to die.

 

[Euthanza]

I understand your circumstances and I respect your decision, hope you find peace at the end

 

[Zegers]

that there really isn't any other choice because of how bad things have become. I get so upset knowing my life would've been a lot better had I not been cursed with bipolar, the disease that took all the good away from me

I understand you. I suffer a disability and it's like i'm cursed, i don't have a good family, i don't have good friends, i hardly go out, i find it hard to get out of bed at morning, i don't have good genetics, no career, it's like.... what can you do like that? it's crushing when you see people enjoying themselves and you can't.

I've tried to make it longer but you realise it's not going anywhere and there's no point. I hope everything goes well and that we can find the happiness that we couldn't have here.

 

[FML_]

This hits way too close to home... I guess life really is unfair after all. So much pain and suffering for no reason whatsoever

 

[Funeralprincess]

I understand you. I suffer a disability and it's like i'm cursed, i don't have a good family, i don't have good friends, i hardly go out, i find it hard to get out of bed at morning, i don't have good genetics, no career, it's like.... what can you do like that? it's crushing when you see people enjoying themselves and you can't.

I've tried to make it longer but you realise it's not going anywhere and there's no point. I hope everything goes well and that we can find the happiness that we couldn't have here.

Yep. I had a good man in my life and I lost that because of my illness. That was the only thing that made me happy but he lost love for me. Years later, I've still been suicidal and still in love with him. I had my chance to have a better life and it was destroyed. My life has been horrible ever since and my bipolar got worse. At this point, death isn't a choice for me; it's a requirement that must be met. I can't spend more years living like this. I also have physical issues now too. My heart is dysfunctional due to the stress, and I frequently am in the hospital for a racing heartbeat, nausea, and vomiting. There is no more hope for me and I'm sorry you're in the same boat. I'm ordering Nembutal soon

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is such a cruel, horrible and unfair life. I'm sorry that you have had to endure so much. I see being alive as being pointless as well, I see no point to suffering for the sake of it when I could be peacefully not existing. It seems as though other people often just make things worse, telling people that things will get better when they have no evidence that it will happen. False hope just leads to more pain and it is better to be realistic about the horrible reality of this existence.

 

[Zegers]

ctb decision is already made but i don't set a date either, i don't know if i could get the N but even if i can't get it, would do it another way.