Getting ready to go

[AcornUnderground]

Hi all,
I've been fighting an uphill battle against severe physical pain and disability for the past year - Illness for many years but I pushed forward until it is now legitimately impossible. I've told my story enough times - too young, love my life and family until it all came crashing down. With COVID I'll never make it long enough to get to Pegasos. I have two beautiful children who I can't care for at all. I can't face leaving them, especially in the pandemic where they be left to grieve their biggest loss in isolation with an emotionally vacant father. It will crush them. I am their world, and I'm not saying that for a pat on the back. I had no idea life could be this cruel. There is literally no option, the suffering is that bad. I am so stuck. I have no idea how to leave. I loved to be here. I've always appreciated the small things. I loved my children, my work, my home, cooking, reading, friends, music, and had just fallen completely in love for the first time last year with a partner that made everything fit perfectly together. I still can't believe that everything was taken. I can't shake my victim mentality - which I've never, ever had - I've taken MANY hits and always came out on top. This is too much. My children are with me now and one is very sick. I can't get out of bed to care for them. On homeschool lockdown and it's a huge problem. I can't go outside. I can hardly feed them. I was Supermom before this. It's all still around me, too fresh to forget. They are so innocent. Their little faces. Their world is about to be completely crushed and there is no way for me to stay. I'm so heartbroken. Backed into a corner, particularly due to major increase in progressive pain in my progressive illness and inability to care for the kids during this lockdown (I knew that I needed to be gone before summer/no school) - I need to ctb next Wed or Thurs. I have no idea how to leave. I'm also scared of death, terrified. This is basically a rambling post and I don't know what I'm looking for. I was so happy. It was all taken so quickly. I have people that need me. I will forever change their lives, handing the incredible pain and excruciating loss of a parent to two small children. It's a choiceless choice and I'm beyond devastated, terrified and I don't know how to make my exit any easier. None of us do, I guess. They will be broken and never will ever, ever understand.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

This is really sad, but I don't judge your choice at all. Don't know if you'll leave letters for your kids to read in the future, or if you can trust that they'll receive them, but when they're older and understand how ill you were, I believe it's possible they will be capable of understanding.

Sending lots of compassion for all you've suffers and are suffering now.

 

[AcornUnderground]

This is really sad, but I don't judge your choice at all. Don't know if you'll leave letters for your kids to read in the future, or if you can trust that they'll receive them, but when they're older and understand how ill you were, I believe it's possible they will be capable of understanding.

Sending lots of compassion for all you've suffers and are suffering now.

Thank you for that. I have watered down letters for them now, long letters and lots of videos talking to them for later. I have their college paid, money alllocated for my family or their Dad to buy them clothes every season and a cheap used car when they need it. I have all sorts of things going to storage for them to have later. None of it will fix my leaving. They will not have to move but a block, they are with their dad half the time there anyway, and they will stay in the same school. Their Dad is competent and loves them, but there is no other family here for them to lean on. He's not the best at empathy and will not help them heal emotionally at all.

None of it will rescue their crushed childhood - and a stigma in our small town of a mom who killed herself. They both need me so badly, and I know many think that no matter what they would stay. But...in this horrible pain, and when you can't work and can't support yourself and have no insurance and a million meds and literally can't get out of bed at 41- bodies can't handle that level of being sedentary for decades. I can't be there for them at all, even though they would want me here in any way shape or form. Thank you GoodPerson for always being supportive and wonderful.