Venting Getting pretty close to CTB

[Parasitic]

Past few weeks I've felt worse than ever and I'm really suffering, I try to talk to a family member but I keep getting the same responses of "everyone feels the same" or "Its normal" I was meant to contact the doctors today so I can actually TRY to get some help but after a nightshift I passed out and woke up after they had closed and now its a long wait till monday, its half I can't feel the way I do currently for much longer so give me some sort of help or I can't feel the way I do currently much longer so I'm gonna CTB. Yesterday I wrote out my suicide note and couple days before that set up everything I need for night-night method. With everything set up ready to CTB I had a new wave of feeling, almost like freedom, I still feel awful and shed a few tears typing out my note but its an awful with an escape.

I'm thinking either I do it monday night when everyone is asleep but it still means I have 3 nights of hell or tomorrow morning when I get off shift, parents will be out and my brother who works along side me would sleep ready for the next day giving me a solid 6 hours or so to go through with it. Regardless of when I'm doing it I'll make a goodbye post thank this forum for giving me the only acceptance I've ever had in the 23 awful years I've been alive.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really tiring feeling trapped in that situation, to me it's really understandable just wishing to be free from everything as I get that it's awful when existing here just continues to get worse. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[SVEN]

I wish you nothing but blessing and peace, weary unknown friend.

 

[MrDarkness]

I hope you find peace, I'll try to join you soon

 

[PrematureBurial]

Please do something mind numbing like gaming or heck, even sleep for two days straight if you have available sleeping pills. You sound like you intended to go see a doctor, at least try to make an appointment first thing when you wake up. I don't know about your country but in most European countries you are entitled to psychiatric help any day of the week without a prior appointment if you feel severely bad. In my country you basically walk into any clinic, explain the issue at hand and wait; someone has to take you.

 

[Parasitic]

Please do something mind numbing like gaming or heck, even sleep for two days straight if you have available sleeping pills. You sound like you intended to go see a doctor, at least try to make an appointment first thing when you wake up. I don't know about your country but in most European countries you are entitled to psychiatric help any day of the week without a prior appointment if you feel severely bad. In my country you basically walk into any clinic, explain the issue at hand and wait; someone has to take you.

Issues I have is I was forced into a job that I didn't want and its night shift and I have such severe anxiety of being judged or screwing something up, I just started so that going to get psychiatric help would mean I'm out of work for x amount of time and that would just send my anxiety through the roof. On top of that the only place I could walk to rejected me about 15 months ago due to being overfilled, doctor said I've run out of medication and I don't trust help lines such as samaritans (had 1 bad experience with them when I really needed help) I know deep down it really doesn't matter how others think of me once I've passed (and I'm told it shouldn't while im alive) but for the time while alive it eats me alive, its an issue I need to sort out but currently don't have the mental tools to do so.

An update with I guess good and bad news. Bad news is I failed, I think it was due to such exhaustion from work before that I missed both sweet spots and wasn't anywhere near tight enough so will have to modify another time before trying again. The one plus side to it is because of the towel and lack of tightness I have no marks or physical indication that I tried, tried a few times to adjust but no luck just a pretty nasty headache :/ I thought the planning and measuring I did would have been enough but I guess not. Looks like another night of hell for me but the upside is after tonight and tomorrow I have a couple days off so I will probably go and get beanbags and a ratchet to do it right.

Thank you for the kind messages of peace. Best wishes back to you all

 

[peelingbananas]

Past few weeks I've felt worse than ever and I'm really suffering, I try to talk to a family member but I keep getting the same responses of "everyone feels the same" or "Its normal" I was meant to contact the doctors today so I can actually TRY to get some help but after a nightshift I passed out and woke up after they had closed and now its a long wait till monday, its half I can't feel the way I do currently for much longer so give me some sort of help or I can't feel the way I do currently much longer so I'm gonna CTB. Yesterday I wrote out my suicide note and couple days before that set up everything I need for night-night method. With everything set up ready to CTB I had a new wave of feeling, almost like freedom, I still feel awful and shed a few tears typing out my note but its an awful with an escape.

I'm thinking either I do it monday night when everyone is asleep but it still means I have 3 nights of hell or tomorrow morning when I get off shift, parents will be out and my brother who works along side me would sleep ready for the next day giving me a solid 6 hours or so to go through with it. Regardless of when I'm doing it I'll make a goodbye post thank this forum for giving me the only acceptance I've ever had in the 23 awful years I've been alive.

what did you say when talking to them about it?