Help Getting over the guilt?

[ready 2 go]

One of the hardest things for me has been the guilt. The overwhelming feeling of guilt that I'm leaving my family behind. I've attempted suicide before, and the fallout from that alone is what's kept me "going" for the last few months. They were so angry. In a time where I needed comfort the most, I ended up having to comfort them.

I thought a letter would ease my guilt. If I could just explain why I can't go on, maybe they'd understand. But you can't understand unless you've been suicidal. They'll never understand why I couldn't just "Live for their sake". I've done that for the past 5 years, lived for everyone else. I have no actual reason to go on.

I get why it's selfish. To "take my life away from them". Thing is, it's my life, my choice. Can't they see how selfish it is to ask me to live the rest of my life in mental agony just for their sake? I wouldn't be living, just existing.

I'm going to go through with it, but I don't want to spend my last moments racked with guilt. Feeling ashamed about I choice I need to be certain about. How can I ease the guilt?

 

[Lucifer'sRight]

this is your life. you OWN it. you do whatever you please with it. there is NOTHING wrong with deciding about your own life. it's your inherent right.

 

[faust]

Unfortunately, it may be hard to ease the guilt, however you may act against it. Like when you are first jumping from the plane with a parachute and despite the fear of failure you are still doing it. You are not meant to meet somebody's expectations and that is your life. If they were not "possessing" you, you probably would not be in the place where you are now. There is nothing rational in being merciful to those who treated you like their own property. They are a part of your problem so don't worry about making them feel upset. They did not worry about making upset YOU, why should you care...

 

[KibblesNBits]

I alternate between feeling very spiteful and blaming my family for much of went wrong in my life and (in my better moments) feeling tremendously guilty over what my death would do to them, as I reflect on times they showed they cared. This leads to my thinking of how in the long run they'd all be better off as I've become such a burden and disappointment (after admitting to myself I'm primarily responsible for my failures in life) .

 

[SHThrowAway213]

I wish I could tell you how, as I struggle with the same
Especially about leaving my husband behind, he has done so much for me.

 

[Harleyyy]

I think it is very natural to be this way. I am full of guilt too, it is the only reason i am still here. I am afraid that my family might go through similar pain as i did. I dont want that for anyone. But things never get better and i think i'll power through the guilt any day now.

 

[muffin222]

I'm sorry your family reacted with anger instead of compassion when you were obviously suffering and in need of understanding. Unfortunately, I think the guilt is largely unavoidable and is just part of the "price" we pay for ending our lives in this way. The guilt isn't necessarily a bad thing, per se- it's a sign that you have empathy for the feelings of those around you and you recognize the pain ctb will cause them.

Regardless, it's your life, so the choice lies with you and you alone