Venting Getting more and more sure I should kill myself

[bluebonbon]

A small part of me wants to be convinced by someone or something that there is reason to keep living, but an even bigger part is convinced there isn't any.

Being reminded of how incapable I am of sustaining a normal life has shown me that. I am always going to be like this, until the day I die. That's something I know.

I have an undiagnosed disability (autism) that I can't afford to get an assessment for. And even if I could afford that, I'd still have to spend ages trying to prove to the government that I'm too disabled to work.

And even if I do manage to get on disability, my best outcome is living an aimless life like I've already been doing for the last three years.

There's nothing for me to work towards. The only way I could progress in life with how disabled I am is if I won the lottery, which is very unlikely. I don't see any other way for someone like me.

The list of reasons for why I shouldn't keep living are endless. The list of reasons for why I should are very few.

 

[COP2CON]

And in pops your super optimistic and suicidal ex cop, current convict.....

I'm sorry for what your going through. It takes so much to get diagnosed correctly and go on something like disability with the government. Its a struggle that's for sure.

Let me cater to that small part of you and say that while you have anything on your list to keep going, give it a go. I don't know your life and things can always get worse but sometimes they get better. Just don't go to prison lol. Regardless, people care and there is a community here to support you in what your going through and with any decision you make.

In regards to the lottery, how can you win it if your not in it? Redneck retirement plan partner.

I hope you feel better. I don't know what to say to get you there except that sucks and I'm sorry. Be strong friend.

 

[fedup1982]

I'm sorry you're struggling. I know how it feels to be in the headspace you're talking about.

But having been in a similar position to you, from the outside looking in i have to tell you that your outlook should be more positive if you appreciate that good things can and do happen. I think what's weighing you down is the fear of rejection and the unknown. It's understandable but you have to know there is hope. You can get disability benefits. And when on benefits, you can find a direction for yourself that brings meaning, reward, gratification and value to yourself. It might not be the gratification of having a career but you can do things like hobbies or volunteering to bring meaning to your life. Also, relationships and friendships would help you feel like you're contributing something to society and the world

If you still don't feel like there is hope then I'd hazard a guess that you have untreated depression that's keeping you from seeing any hope, in which case I strongly recommend you see a psychiatrist to be tried on antidepressants because you don't have to live like this!