getting help or dying this sunday

[naminaminaminaminam]

hello, first time posting, it's kinda (kinda?) long sorry this is the only place i can vent without shame. i had an attempt exactly a month ago with poisoning although i threw it all up after taking about 60 tablets of something (alongside the poison) even though i knew there was a high chance i would throw up from OD. right now i'm planning to try with the night night method, this sunday evening, i have everything ready. and if i fail i will try partial, or drowning/jumping as the last resort. i don't have access to SN and i already wasted hundreds on my last attempts, what with international shipping and customs & duty..

at least that's what ive been thinking. yesterday i don't know what compelled me but i talked to my dad and i cried a lot. i told him about everything that's gone wrong for the last decade, i told him for the first time that i've wanted mental help since i was 15 16. i didn't tell him about wanting to kill myself since i do want to go through with it, and i don't want to risk him putting me on suicide watch. i don't know why i told him everything else, we've not been close since i started middle school, i think i was trying to do something before i go and kill myself this weekend but all that does is that i'm back on the fence again.

my dad told me he'd get me therapy and help me get back on track. for the first time in a really really long while i suddenly think about a future where i might be able to live normally like others again. the truth is that i want to live as long as i can so i can keep learning as much as i want, so that i can draw and keep making comics forever until i can't hold a pen anymore. i've been living with this self imposed deadline for years where i keep thinking, 2 more months until i can die, i have to finish this project so i can die this weekend, i need to tutor these kids a few more times before i die so it's worth their parents' money. i want to get out of this mindset so badly but i can't change anything about myself, every year i tell myself it will get better, this is a new beginning, i would try to power through it and in the end i would be right back at where i started because i am still me. sometimes i think maybe deep down i still think i'm better off being dead, maybe on a more subconscious level i like my problems so much i don't want to change at all.

which is why i'm extra scared this time to be hopeful thinking about my future. if i went and get the help i might really get better. i haven't thought of the far future for so long it feels wrong now to have a chance at it.

even now as i sit talking to my dad about getting a fresh start i still think about that feeling when the poison first hit my body, felt like all my muscles were swirling together, it was so hard to breathe, i was tense and tense trying to stop myself from burping because if i burped i would vomit when i was still conscious. if i vomit i'd sit up by instinct and it'd all be for nothing. when i woke up the morning after i thought i'd get addicted to that feeling of near blacking out. i kept thinking just a little more, just a little more before i pass out and then my body can throw up and i can choke. i always sleep on my back, i was supposed to choke. that much poison was supposed to kill me, supposed to give me convulsions, supposed to cause asphyxia. i wish i tied a bag over my head to force choking, wish i fasted properly and that i didn't take that many pills. most above all i hate how good my immune system is, i just want to die but my body won't allow it, i don't even get sick ever, i told my friend if i failed killing myself that time i would quit but i'm right back here again so i guess nothing's changed at all.

but anyways. i'm on the fence about doing it this sunday night. my mom is out of the country right now. i don't want my little brothers to see me dead as fuck on my bed monday morning as my dad pounds my bedroom door down (exact scenario that happened last month). i have several kids to tutor tomorrow too. and i have piano lesson sunday evening, i can almost play the piece i want, i just finally learned to read the bass clef instead of winging it by ear. what the fuck. it's just one thing after another and i want to die i want to kill myself yet there's still so much stuff i would've loved doing if i wasn't a suicidal piece of shit. when does it end, does it end when i finally die or do i get sent to another hell for not appreciating the precious life i was given, or does it end when i get the help i was offered even though there's a fat chance it's not worth anyone's effort to help me at all. i didn't go to art school because i thought i wouldn't make it, instead i went into english because i also like writing and literature and teaching kids and i still didn't make it. what a joke. i can't feel any distinct emotion, everything's a vague whatever, it's as if i'm living from 3rd person, these experiences are not mine, nothing is real to me these days. i don't understand anything.

lol but yeah i'll see how it goes sunday night. i'm 100% pro choice when it comes to this stuff so i hope for everyone out it there gets better no matter what choice they make. i'm young and naive and i can't take it anymore so this is the only choice i'm willing to make now

 

[hatemyself100000]

I say this with love but you dont sound ready. You still want to draw and you still spend so much time on your daily tasks. What did you say when your dad offered help? He cared about you

 

[inconclusivesorbet]

You can keep moving forward. It sounds like there's a lot of love and support in your life. People whom you still feel you have duties too. Theres still the pangs of determination in your art career.
What was the poison you had taken if I may ask?
Could you imagine going through all of that again?
You may be a little too young for your time my dear. I believe in you, take that next step with your dad's support. How lucky to have a parents support

 

[naminaminaminaminam]

I say this with love but you dont sound ready. You still want to draw and you still spend so much time on your daily tasks. What did you say when your dad offered help? He cared about you

i told him i would get the help i need, i looked up specialists in my area too because in that moment i really did believe i can turn my life around. my dad said i would only need therapy as in someone to vent to and not the kind of doctor for actually mentally ill people, asian people don't believe in that mental stuff, also was why i didn't want to tell him about my attempts or that i think i want to be put on some meds. idk like not even anti depressants, maybe adderall so i can do better the things im responsible for. im an adult i can just go and get help myself but he's determined to look into everything i do, i know that he really wants to help, i just seriously don't understand why i keep wanting to kill myself all the time

You can keep moving forward. It sounds like there's a lot of love and support in your life. People whom you still feel you have duties too. Theres still the pangs of determination in your art career.
What was the poison you had taken if I may ask?
Could you imagine going through all of that again?
You may be a little too young for your time my dear. I believe in you, take that next step with your dad's support. How lucky to have a parents support

thank you, my family really does love me and i'm super lucky for that. i tried nicotine poisoning by extracting it from raw tobacco amongst other stuff, i found it on this archived site about suicide from maybe 1995 backwards. it was a huge dose and i never smoked a day in my life so i seriously hate the smell of weed or cigs now. i would 100% go through it again, if i had the means to i would prepare it more carefully next time since i was having a really bad episode and was a bit careless with it. the art stuff i do is just something for my hands to be busy with while my head spirals, even if i loved drawing i never thought it'd be enough to keep me going ;; i already threw away all the old sketchbooks i've kept since i was 10 11? so like a decade worth of creative works just gone because i can't keep my mind straight man im so so young too young for this

 

[madeincruddy]

While it is a bit scary, I think a therapist could be the 'bridge' irt your parents understanding of mental health, if you'd like to involve them in your treatment. For example, you could speak to a therapist about wanting to start medication, at which point you could invite your father to join you, then your therapist would explain things to your dad. I think Asian parents especially kind of struggle acknowledging something is 'wrong' with their child, but that may just be my experience, so it helps to have a professional's word. 'Wrong' as in, case severity, if that makes sense? Sorry, I'm bad at wording these things.

Regardless, I relate to what you said about art a lot. I'm choosing to live for now, mainly to pursue my personal art projects. There's just so much joy to be found in creation. I have massive respect for anyone who has any skill in the comic medium, too. Comics are difficult as all hell! Your skill is worth something.

If you want to live, you should live. There's no need to rush. This is a massive personal decision, take a bit more time to mull it over if you can. Best of luck to you, and I hope you'll come out of this feeling even just a bit better.