Getting close; should I ask the Doctor to section me?

[ziana]

Iv felt suicidal for as long as i can remember but its never been this bad. I remember being on the bus during college and would always fantasise about jumping in the river, how lovely the cold embrace of the water would be as i slipped out of consciousness. my refusal or inability or whatever it is to address this issue has made it worse year on year. Doesn't matter if I'm driving in the car, staring at the alcohol shelf at the shop, thinking about my unused boxes of meds in the cupboard, looking at helium online, half of my daily thoughts revolve around death and I'm unsure if one day ill say fuck it and impulsively chose one of the options. There's a lot of bridges and high places near me and im always thinking about leaping of when i see them.

These thoughts repulse me but i can't stop them. The only way i can sleep is to either distract myself to the point of exhaustion or substance abuse, and any moment of empty time is like an invitation for the torrent of self-damaging thoughts.

I'm wondering at what point it will all be too much to bear. Like an avalanche my suffering breeds itself, I'm a victim of my own impatience to heal, either dont leave bed for days or driven by adrenalin and stress, there are no good days. I need help and treatment because I cant be trusted to take care of myself.

Its one of the hardest things I've had to say but I think I need to be sectioned before i actually kill myself. Its never felt so close or so real.

Iv never spoken to anyone honestly or truthfully about how i feel and its only gotten worse, even when I did CBT i got worse again afterwards and fell into the same cycles, iv never taken my meds consistently or not mixed them with alcohol/substances.

Sometimes days might feel good, but it's always because of distractions like work or gambling or sleeping for 20 hours or abusing substances, but it all just papers over the cracks. Any moment im not distracted i have panic attacks and or start thinking obsessively about suicide.

I've ruined my life but i dont want to make it worse.

There's still those final few doubts, mainly failing and being permanently damaged and living more years even more miserable, and the thought i could potentially traumatise and hurt my family.
Without medical and professional supervision I'm convinced keeping myself safe is impossible, it's only a matter of time.

 

[tinyghost]

if you want to live and think your are in real danger of killing yourself, then a hospital may be the best place for you. they will stop you from harming yourself give you immediate medical care. go to the emergency room/a&e or whatever you have and tell them exactly how you feel and they will probably hospitalize you. if you think you need this help, please please seek it. good luck and im so sorry that you're going through this

 

[ziana]

if you want to live and think your are in real danger of killing yourself, then a hospital may be the best place for you. they will stop you from harming yourself give you immediate medical care. go to the emergency room/a&e or whatever you have and tell them exactly how you feel and they will probably hospitalize you. if you think you need this help, please please seek it. good luck and im so sorry that you're going through this

I can't decide if I want to live or not, choice anxiety on top of everything else. That's why I'm scared, feels like a flip of the coin if today is the day. I appreciate you <3

 

[tinyghost]

I can't decide if I want to live or not, choice anxiety on top of everything else. That's why I'm scared, feels like a flip of the coin if today is the day. I appreciate you <3

i think if even a small part if you wants to live that says a lot and its worth it to pursue that.... suicide is a big a permanent decision so it makes sense to want to be 100% sure. please take care of yourself.

 

[ziana]

Update: I spent a few hours on the phone with mental health support volunteer. I am driving myself to the hospital today for an emergency appointment.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I wish you all the best with it. Sounds like you made the best decision. If you're experiencing all these thoughts as intrusive, hopefully they can help you to quieten them down.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry that your life is so rough and u struggle so much. I hope they can help you in the hospital. Good luck!

 

[SVEN]

Update: I spent a few hours on the phone with mental health support volunteer. I am driving myself to the hospital today for an emergency appointment.

Best wishes in getting through this scarey time. I always feel that if we're at all unsure of ctb it's definitely best to give ourself a chance and defer the final act.
Hoping you get all the help and support you need.

 

[Raindancer]

It's definitely worth it tomreachnout and see if there is help that will work. I am glad you did and hope that you can find some peace and contentment.

 

[Kasumi]

Sorry to be late to the party, but I'd strongly advise you not to section yourself.

Getting help is a good idea, try what you can, talk to doctors, maybe one of them can find something to help you, but don't give up your freedom.
There are exceptions, I've heard some few people say positive things about their stay in a mental health hospital, but for the majority of people who got sectioned, voluntarily or not, it actually got worse then better.

Partly cause those places and the people there don't actually understand most of us very well, partly because they get money from health care providers for keeping you there, partly because of plain misinformation and a mindset that people like us should be kept away from the "normal" society.
I know about people that got sectioned for being mentally ill but not having any plans to ctb, but from when they got released they wanted to ctb every day.

In the end, they can't really do anything more for you in there then doctors outside can, moreover, they're more likely to not listen to your wishes and just give you what they think is best regardless if you have problems with it or not.

I'd say ask for help, see what they can offer you, try things that you think might help, but never ever give up your freedom, your right to say no, it might very well come back to bite you.


To address the main part of your post, it's not per se a problem to have those thoughts, most people actually think about taking their lives from time to time, or even imagine how it would be like, thinking about it, even imagining it and actually planning and doing it are very different things.
It can be a sort of escape mechanism for many, to have those fantasies, but just as much as you may fantasise about stabbing someone you hate, you wouldn't actually do that either.
I'd say, as long as you're only thinking about it and not actually planning your exit, you don't have to be that worried.
Even more so, if you are worried or afraid of potentially taking your own life then that should show pretty clearly that you don't actually want to die.

Aside from jumping of a roof, most things you listed are very unlikely to work in the first place, and I'd actually recommend you to look them up, just so you know that it's a really bad idea to attempt them, you'd most likely land badly injured in the hospital, potentially with lasting damage.

Suicide is really not such an easy thing that you can just do on a whim, at least if you're serious about dying and you actually want to end your life.