Getting affairs together.

[Reallyreallyreally]

I'm awake today I'm a way I rarely am. Not sleep-wise. Awareness-wise. I think I better hurry up and CTB while I'm feeling a little better. This way I can do it with a clear mind. I need to do my laundry. I ordered the sn but I can't instantly get antiemetics or benzos. I just started with a new GP and if I go back this quick after not talking about any symptoms necessary for that I think instead of a prescription she'll give me the side eye. I'll keep that one on the back burner in case the exit bag method fails. I have the technical knowledge to do the exit bag.

I don't know how long I'll be clear headed. Last night was a serious reminder that I'm not fully present most of the time. I don't want to do it when my emotions are all over the place and I don't want to do it when I'm not solidly in the here and now.

I need to do my laundry, clear out my storage, and get notes together for people. I don't know that I can just drop off the map without people knowing what happened and I think that even though my family situation was seriously toxic, it would be cruel to leave nothing for my mom. She didn't have the tools to raise a healthy household but is that isn't her fault. Nobody chooses their upbringing and she's from a time and a place where women weren't encouraged to kick the same ass as they are today. But still, emotions remain too raw to call. It will have to be in writing.

Last year I got stuck in a rage I could only partially contain that lasted many weeks. I feel like it's going to come back. I can't do that again and with a new psych I haven't met yet I don't know that she'll let me simply up the dose of what I'm on now. The last one and I don't like each other very much. Not because anything happened really, just that I didn't feel comfortable signing a release to let her talk to my therapist, which was understandably frustrating for her because not only could she not access my therapist, I kept showing up worked up after forgetting I had an appt, hitting traffic, couldn't find parking, subjected to sexual commentary by some random man on the street. Then I'd accidentally tell her way too much, that I had recently been suicidal or whatever, then dissociate and freeze in her office.

I feel a little sad because people will be hurt but my sick friend I've stayed for has lost so many people and I'll just be one more.

I may give myself a few days back at work to see if I'm just feeling the effects of being without a schedule, but honestly I don't think I want to. I'll decide while I prepare not to leave anything to be cleaned up.

I don't have savings so I'm going to leave clear instructions for a direct cremation, cardboard box, no funeral. People can do what they want as far as wakes or memorials or whatever but I absolutely do not want to financially burden anyone if I don't have to. I'm going to submit a super bill to insurance for the past year and what I get back should more than pay for it.

I just hope I can get this done before my brain does its thing again. I'm going to do as much meditation as I can to stay as calm as possible. This is healthy anyway and with all my affairs in order it won't make any difference whatsoever which road I walk down.

Don't ban me until I'm done. I'll post when I'm doing it. Thanks for being here guys. It all feels much less shameful not to have to keep it completely secret. Don't think I'm playing games if I change course. I promise I'm not.

 

[Ghost2211]

It's good to hear you are thinking things through and not acting impulsively. You're quite considerate to get chores and whatnot done. I hope you find the peace and relief you desire.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

It all feels much less shameful not to have to keep it completely secret.

You have nothing to feel ashamed for.

What you are preparing to do takes courage and bravery on a level that few people can properly comprehend. The fact that you are still trying to be considerate towards those around you in these moments, is a testament to your strength.

Sorry for what you are going through. Hope you find your peace, soon.

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

You have nothing to feel ashamed for.

What you are preparing to do takes courage and bravery on a level that few people can properly comprehend. The fact that you are still trying to be considerate towards those around you in these moments, is a testament to your strength.

Sorry for what you are going through. Hope you find your peace, soon.

Thank you.

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

It's good to hear you are thinking things through and not acting impulsively. You're quite considerate to get chores and whatnot done. I hope you find the peace and relief you desire.

Thank you. I don't think it's fair to make someone else clean up my mess. I wouldn't be acting very well in accordance with the fact that I'm an adult old enough to have children who are also adults. Seems like if karma is a thing I'm gathering enough on the negative side as is. No need to add.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I really resonate with your processing, your self-awareness, and your empathy for a mother who sounds similar to mine. I'm glad you posted. I enjoy all of your threads and posts. And I also reallyreallyreally like your name.

I respect that you didn't give your psych access to your therapist. That's the one of the most intimate relationships one can have, it seems invasive to me for a doctor to dig into it. Psychiatry wants to hear from families and doctors because they don't trust the patient is capable of knowing themselves. If a doctor doesn't trust me, why should I trust them?

And to think I used to put so much faith in psychiatry and psychology. I wanted them to help me get my own power, but psychiatry especially is very disempowering. All doctors believe they know better, but they are fallible humans, too. And shit, psychiatry has almost no organic pathologies, it's often working backwards based on reactions to the meds they throw at a problem. A tourniquet stops blood flow, it doesn't diagnose what caused it to flow to begin with.

 

[HadEnough1974]

I really resonate with your processing, your self-awareness, and your empathy for a mother who sounds similar to mine. I'm glad you posted. I enjoy all of your threads and posts. And I also reallyreallyreally like your name.

I respect that you didn't give your psych access to your therapist. That's the one of the most intimate relationships one can have, it seems invasive to me for a doctor to dig into it. Psychiatry wants to hear from families and doctors because they don't trust the patient is capable of knowing themselves. If a doctor doesn't trust me, why should I trust them?

And to think I used to put so much faith in psychiatry and psychology. I wanted them to help me get my own power, but psychiatry especially is very disempowering. All doctors believe they know better, but they are fallible humans, too. And shit, psychiatry has almost no organic pathologies, it's often working backwards based on reactions to the meds they throw at a problem. A tourniquet stops blood flow, it doesn't diagnose what caused it to flow to begin with.

The problem with most doctors is that their PhD is stuck so far up their fucking ass that they don't listen to you.

Dear doctor "Ben Dover", you're not listening to me because your PhD is stuck so far up your ass.

Will you kindly "bend over" while I attempt an anal extraction of your PhD so that you stop viewing me through the lense of mental illness and start treating me as a human being."

"Please hold while I put on the latex gloves". "Oh doc, I think you also have an enlarged prostate along with your enlarged ego."

"Your penis on the other hand is not that impressive, It all makes sense now."

Enjoy!!

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

I really resonate with your processing, your self-awareness, and your empathy for a mother who sounds similar to mine. I'm glad you posted. I enjoy all of your threads and posts. And I also reallyreallyreally like your name.

I respect that you didn't give your psych access to your therapist. That's the one of the most intimate relationships one can have, it seems invasive to me for a doctor to dig into it. Psychiatry wants to hear from families and doctors because they don't trust the patient is capable of knowing themselves. If a doctor doesn't trust me, why should I trust them?

And to think I used to put so much faith in psychiatry and psychology. I wanted them to help me get my own power, but psychiatry especially is very disempowering. All doctors believe they know better, but they are fallible humans, too. And shit, psychiatry has almost no organic pathologies, it's often working backwards based on reactions to the meds they throw at a problem. A tourniquet stops blood flow, it doesn't diagnose what caused it to flow to begin with.

Thank you. I'm glad you're getting something out of my posts. You know, I don't have a problem with my therapist talking to a psychiatrist, but the psych has to be someone I've felt out and determined to be safe to do so with. I almost did with this last one but I got the impression after a few visits that she was more corporate nice than actually nice, and I suspect she thought I was faking it when I would freeze. I wasn't, and I could be totally wrong about that but the gut is usually a pretty good barometer of a situation. Also she told me I was bipolar and when I presented my theory later on why I disagreed she tried to say that it was me who said it, which it was definitely not.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@Reallyreallyreally

"but the gut is usually a pretty good barometer of a situation."

It's one of the best gifts our biologies gave us. Would that we could not override it.

Thank you. I don't think it's fair to make someone else clean up my mess. I wouldn't be acting very well in accordance with the fact that I'm an adult old enough to have children who are also adults. Seems like if karma is a thing I'm gathering enough on the negative side as is. No need to add.

Thank you for this post. I needed exactly this for some decisions I'm making.

 

[TAW122]

Take your time and no rush. I'm hoping you are able to find peace when your time comes.