Dawn ???
you did not fail god cos there is none.
you did not failed yourself, others did.
you did not failed life, others did it for you.
you did not fail your husband, he failed himself.
please don't rush into something sudden, I said that before and it seemed to work. Just try to calm down for a bit. Don't put all the blame on to yourself. It happened to you, you did not make it happen. OK?
Your too sweet hun.. stop making it hard for me...lol..... A part of me knows a lot of it wasn't my fault.... but I have to drown out that part otherwise I might have to stay here and deal with life and I can't because I'm scared and spoiled. :( My husband will be the onyl true victim in my whole story. The boy from last summer is the one a fell in love with but we had stupidly opened our marrige rather than divoricng then.... but he has been kind and supportive.... we have just lived like room mates for years stuck in a deep rut and i didn't deal with my restlessness the right way and I met a boy and the whole fucking thing destryoed me.
Neither of us failed God.
God failed us by abandoning everyone to their luck all this time.
I agree. One of the best things about my trauma is that it began my deconversion process. I am not athiest, but because of the indoctrination it will take a while for all the beliefs to shift internally..... But yeah------- I guess its just massive false guilt
This really comforts me. I love reading all the posts where people defy god and tell us we're gonna be okay, it helps my religiously traumatised ass to feel a bit less terrified. I did not failed god, and neither did Dawn, he failed us. Thank you.
@Dawn0071111 I believe I've read your posts here more than anyone else's and they almost always made me react and resonate in some way. I don't think I can have words to comfort you, I know that very few people could help me through my ptsd flares and it's a lonely road, but I want to tell you that some people are there and in a kinda same boat and you're not alone. I really feel for you. Whatever your decision, I'll be there to support you. I'm getting very emotional when I see you're hurt.
@Elias OMG honey... your so sweet... why yall making it hard for me to board my bus? LOL. I only feel like I have 2 or 3 humans left in life and only one I can feel close to... and I am soooooooo alone I can't take it much longer and I feel so guilty about leaving behind an opportunity. I just feel like more could come from my death than my life. I'm just so tired and I feel more like since my problem lies in personality and deep inner woundedness in my ability to relate its just so hard.... I'm still in love with this boy from last summer and if I worked very hard I'm sure somewhere in the world I could find happiness and meaning and purpose... but I feel so old and worn out and the long road of recovery is just not anything that appeals to me. I think I would do all that hard work just for another dissapointment. I'm a big immature baby, trust me its the truth. Honestly, I just need an easy way out. I feel so guilty because I'm not the person with persistent physical pain, I'm not disfigured (well physically), I'm not in country where I have to worry about war--- I am a suburban housewife, who grew up in 27 foster homes, married to a man I never loved and for the first time felt love at age 39, then the guy was really fucked up and all my shit surfaced and I had a massive ptsd, Narcissitc abuse survovor potential bpd flare (just a guess i have never been formally dignosed) I am really fucked up.... I'm just lazy yall..... tired and sad too.... a lot of sadness.... a lot of anger.... a lot of sadness...... so much sadness... so much bitterness.......
Thank you :)
I know this has been said a million times, but please don't do anything on impulse. My thoughts are with you. Don't worry about "getting affairs in order", just take care of yourself. Pamper yourself if you feel like it and get some sleep if you can. You did not fail anyone, your life is yours and yours only. I'm sorry if this sounds insensitive, but maybe you can "celebrate" the Anniversary of the Trauma as being one year past the trauma and still living and fighting. You're incredibly strong
!
No its not insensitive at all. I really appreciate this. It is my life, it such a new concept for me. To feel like I own my life..... That I can do what I want with it..... I dont think that I am strong...... I believe I am very weak.... I guess I just don't value strenght anymore, its doesn't seem to do anything for me except to keep me in a state of perpetual suffering...... I'm so sad.
I just want to lose all the weight I gained from trauma binging all year (65 pounds!) , do the hobby I love and have a cute boyfried who loves me. But I seem to be male kryptonite.... I dont know what it is about me....... Only love can keep me here but I know that is the wrong reason to stay. Everyone says that I cant find love till i love myself so Im well fuck that I guess i will never find love then, or that you only find it when your not looking but I'm not really interested in anything else to be honest so to spare myself all the heartache that is to come Ive got to crush these damaged butterfly wings...
