orpheus_
Member
- Apr 26, 2024
- 20
I haven't been on this forum for a long time but decided to come back to the recovery section, since things changed for me. Earlier I mostly visited it to look for CTB methods (I didn't post much but I lurked here a lot) but now I'm here to possibly say something positive and seek support in getting better?
Over the last few months I came to terms with the prospect of dying soon. I started preparing elaborate goodbye notes, got the tools for my method. I've been suicidal for the last 3 years, probably depressed for most of my 20-year life (though never diagnosed). Honestly I did not expect things to get better in any way and just wanted a way out. The last chance I gave myself, was seeing a psychiatrist, only because my friend asked me to and I wanted her to feel like she did something for me before I CTBd. I personally was always very reluctant towards taking meds, because of side effects and how unpredictable the effects on a given person can be and I'm scared of taking risks. But I was like, ok I will go there, so she found me one doctor - which turned out to be... terrible. She dismissed my problems, tried to convince me that 'I don't have depression because depressed people don't self harm' and ended up prescribing me mood stabilizers which I did not need? Like I get that I'm not a professional but I know a thing or two about mental conditions and one thing I'm sure of is that numbing down my emotions would make me worse, not better. BEING APATHETIC AND NUMB IS MY CORE PROBLEM. There was so much wrong with her that I don't even have the time or energy to write it here, but overall she just lacked any amount of empathy.. or maybe she had something against me because she treated me so bad? I don't know. When I read opinions about her online most people said that she was good so I was quite surprised. Anyway that appointment sent me into an absolute breakdown because it lit up my impostor syndrome (which was strong anyway but this situation made it worse) and I started thinking that I'm making up my problems and lying to everyone (aka to the only friend I have). I did not even buy the meds that doctor prescribed me because they would have been useless for me at best, and harm me at worst. I wanted to spontaneously CTB by jumping under a train that day (glad I didn't do that because I don't want to traumatize the train driver, but I was desperate then), although my original chosen method was different... I didn't have everything ready for it yet.
My friend stayed with me that night and convinced me to give it another shot, so I agreed to see another psychiatrist. But finding one was hard as hell, especially since I was scared after that situation and wanted to make sure that another doctor is not going to treat me as bad. Finally we found another psychiatrist and I went to see him (over a month after the previous appointment and most of that time I just spent escaping reality by sleeping). This time it went good, as good as it could go. He was nice and actually I felt comforted after that appointment which I would never expect lol. Like I came from the previous one shaking and crying, and this time it was just, okay. He diagnosed me with depression which I pretty much expected, although I didn't elaborate on my suicidality for fear of being hospitalized (I lied that I only have passive ideation). I got prescribed SSRIs and I wasn't sure if I want to take them, like I mentioned I'm very reluctant towards medication and I was very scared of getting flattened emotions as a side effect (I've heard it's common with SSRIs). But once again, decided to take that risk, thinking that if I start feeling like something is getting worse I will just stop the medication.
I've beed on these meds for almost a month and so far things are going unexpectedly better. I started getting more energy after around one week which is quite quickly and didn't get any side effects besides some mild insomnia and loss of apetite (I didn't really feel like eating before because of depression, but after starting these meds I literally did not feel hunger AT ALL), but both went away after 2 weeks (also I'm not even sure if it's from the meds or just me being stressed about taking them). Also I got very vivid dreams which I heard that some people get on SSRIs lol. But that's not a huge issue, just a weird thing. Overall I noticed I'm feeling better. Like I REALLY did not expect that. Generally my mood is better (just neutral as default, not miserable), I don't get tired after doing basic tasks, I also find it easier to talk to peple for whatever reason. Like I'm interested in social interactions again. Also I used to have complete anhedonia during past months, I basically did not feel pleasure or hapiness at all. Now I still don't feel them much, but SOMETIMES I do... It feels good being able to feel good again sometimes lol. It's not all so beautiful though because I still feel some sort of... meaninglessness, most of the time. I still have little motivation to do things, although it got better. Like now I actually want to do some random shit like going on a walk or something instead of just lying in bed, which is even surprising to me, why would I just rather do something than do nothing even if I feel it's meaningless? But I guess it's a sign things are going in the right direction. In the end, I decided I want to try to live. Some days I still think about CTBing, but for now.. that plan is on hold, at least. Maybe it's just false optimism I got for a while because the meds made me feel better, I don't know. I'm not that optimistic about my life, really, but I decided I want to try for some time, at least.
So it's getting better but I'm kinda overwhelmed by it. I don't really know what to do with myself. I want to do things, go back to my old passions but it's just so difficult to start again. I also don't know what to do with my life because for the recent years I've been planning to die young and didn't really see a future for myself... now I kinda want to live so I have to figure it out? I'm 20 and I should be trying to find a career that interests me. I used to be very ambitious, and I still kind of am because I like learning things and I would like to finish university, but I just don't know which way to go. I used to go to uni but dropped out because I didn't like my major (I just chose a random one to satisfy my parents) and also I had 0 energy to actually go to classes. Also my social life is dead because I stopped talking to every friend I used to have - besides only one person who I'm very thankful to have because she helped me a lot when I was at my worst. Still, I would like to talk to someone else too sometimes.
I'm just scared that things will be bad again. For now the fact that I started feeling better made me feel better itself, because it gave me hope. But life goes on. And I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm glad that I tried the meds, and that I was lucky and got ones that work... but what if they mess up my brain in the long run? Also I know they won't help me with everything. Maybe I should start going to therapy, but I feel like it wouldn't do much for me. I'm just thinking about it because people say it's helpful. I used to try seeing therapists in the past and I felt like it was pointless. Also finding a person I will be able to trust feels so impossible right now. For now I just gave up with it and trying to deal with things by myself, but it's hard. But I want to keep trying, for whatever reason.
Over the last few months I came to terms with the prospect of dying soon. I started preparing elaborate goodbye notes, got the tools for my method. I've been suicidal for the last 3 years, probably depressed for most of my 20-year life (though never diagnosed). Honestly I did not expect things to get better in any way and just wanted a way out. The last chance I gave myself, was seeing a psychiatrist, only because my friend asked me to and I wanted her to feel like she did something for me before I CTBd. I personally was always very reluctant towards taking meds, because of side effects and how unpredictable the effects on a given person can be and I'm scared of taking risks. But I was like, ok I will go there, so she found me one doctor - which turned out to be... terrible. She dismissed my problems, tried to convince me that 'I don't have depression because depressed people don't self harm' and ended up prescribing me mood stabilizers which I did not need? Like I get that I'm not a professional but I know a thing or two about mental conditions and one thing I'm sure of is that numbing down my emotions would make me worse, not better. BEING APATHETIC AND NUMB IS MY CORE PROBLEM. There was so much wrong with her that I don't even have the time or energy to write it here, but overall she just lacked any amount of empathy.. or maybe she had something against me because she treated me so bad? I don't know. When I read opinions about her online most people said that she was good so I was quite surprised. Anyway that appointment sent me into an absolute breakdown because it lit up my impostor syndrome (which was strong anyway but this situation made it worse) and I started thinking that I'm making up my problems and lying to everyone (aka to the only friend I have). I did not even buy the meds that doctor prescribed me because they would have been useless for me at best, and harm me at worst. I wanted to spontaneously CTB by jumping under a train that day (glad I didn't do that because I don't want to traumatize the train driver, but I was desperate then), although my original chosen method was different... I didn't have everything ready for it yet.
My friend stayed with me that night and convinced me to give it another shot, so I agreed to see another psychiatrist. But finding one was hard as hell, especially since I was scared after that situation and wanted to make sure that another doctor is not going to treat me as bad. Finally we found another psychiatrist and I went to see him (over a month after the previous appointment and most of that time I just spent escaping reality by sleeping). This time it went good, as good as it could go. He was nice and actually I felt comforted after that appointment which I would never expect lol. Like I came from the previous one shaking and crying, and this time it was just, okay. He diagnosed me with depression which I pretty much expected, although I didn't elaborate on my suicidality for fear of being hospitalized (I lied that I only have passive ideation). I got prescribed SSRIs and I wasn't sure if I want to take them, like I mentioned I'm very reluctant towards medication and I was very scared of getting flattened emotions as a side effect (I've heard it's common with SSRIs). But once again, decided to take that risk, thinking that if I start feeling like something is getting worse I will just stop the medication.
I've beed on these meds for almost a month and so far things are going unexpectedly better. I started getting more energy after around one week which is quite quickly and didn't get any side effects besides some mild insomnia and loss of apetite (I didn't really feel like eating before because of depression, but after starting these meds I literally did not feel hunger AT ALL), but both went away after 2 weeks (also I'm not even sure if it's from the meds or just me being stressed about taking them). Also I got very vivid dreams which I heard that some people get on SSRIs lol. But that's not a huge issue, just a weird thing. Overall I noticed I'm feeling better. Like I REALLY did not expect that. Generally my mood is better (just neutral as default, not miserable), I don't get tired after doing basic tasks, I also find it easier to talk to peple for whatever reason. Like I'm interested in social interactions again. Also I used to have complete anhedonia during past months, I basically did not feel pleasure or hapiness at all. Now I still don't feel them much, but SOMETIMES I do... It feels good being able to feel good again sometimes lol. It's not all so beautiful though because I still feel some sort of... meaninglessness, most of the time. I still have little motivation to do things, although it got better. Like now I actually want to do some random shit like going on a walk or something instead of just lying in bed, which is even surprising to me, why would I just rather do something than do nothing even if I feel it's meaningless? But I guess it's a sign things are going in the right direction. In the end, I decided I want to try to live. Some days I still think about CTBing, but for now.. that plan is on hold, at least. Maybe it's just false optimism I got for a while because the meds made me feel better, I don't know. I'm not that optimistic about my life, really, but I decided I want to try for some time, at least.
So it's getting better but I'm kinda overwhelmed by it. I don't really know what to do with myself. I want to do things, go back to my old passions but it's just so difficult to start again. I also don't know what to do with my life because for the recent years I've been planning to die young and didn't really see a future for myself... now I kinda want to live so I have to figure it out? I'm 20 and I should be trying to find a career that interests me. I used to be very ambitious, and I still kind of am because I like learning things and I would like to finish university, but I just don't know which way to go. I used to go to uni but dropped out because I didn't like my major (I just chose a random one to satisfy my parents) and also I had 0 energy to actually go to classes. Also my social life is dead because I stopped talking to every friend I used to have - besides only one person who I'm very thankful to have because she helped me a lot when I was at my worst. Still, I would like to talk to someone else too sometimes.
I'm just scared that things will be bad again. For now the fact that I started feeling better made me feel better itself, because it gave me hope. But life goes on. And I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm glad that I tried the meds, and that I was lucky and got ones that work... but what if they mess up my brain in the long run? Also I know they won't help me with everything. Maybe I should start going to therapy, but I feel like it wouldn't do much for me. I'm just thinking about it because people say it's helpful. I used to try seeing therapists in the past and I felt like it was pointless. Also finding a person I will be able to trust feels so impossible right now. For now I just gave up with it and trying to deal with things by myself, but it's hard. But I want to keep trying, for whatever reason.
