Get busy living or get busy dying

[slamjoetry]

I'm sure this is a common thing that has been posted a lot already, but for years I've been stuck in this dead-end mindset where I'm so afraid of "living" but so afraid of dying too. I put living in quotation marks because I don't really have a life. No friends, no money, no future, no hope. I'm a worthless, insignificant failure that has no reason to keep existing.

I'm putting in an order for SN soon but I'm very doubtful about if I'll have the strength to take it. I wish I was dead so badly. But the process of dying is such a horrifying concept to me, and I don't know why. It should be such a relief to feel everything slipping away. But it doesn't seem like that and I really can't figure out why.

I've never been a religious person, but lately, as I go to bed every night, I've been praying to God to please take it all away from me while I sleep. I don't want to wake up. If it could all just go away like that, while I'm at peace and not even aware of it, that would be perfect. Unfortunately though, it doesn't seem like that's gonna happen. So I hope I can make a decision soon, on whether to face my fears by putting in the huge effort and risk into potentially improving my life, or to face my fears and finally end my life. I've always struggled with important decision-making, but I need to do this. I can't keep on existing in this state between life and death forever. I don't know what living or dying feels like, but I can guarantee either is better than this.

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

I feel like this also, for over 1,5 year now. Just can't make a choice. Feeling so trapped.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think both options can be scary because of the fear of the unknown. And the possibility that our situations may become worse.

I suspect many people have actually tried to make their lives better. Maybe tried to socialise more, educate themselves, get a job, change their job, move to a new location, live a healthier lifestyle, get therapy or medication. If we're still on this site, it's reasonable to assume those things haven't entirely worked! So, I think that for one can put us off trying to 'recover'. If it hasn't worked in the past or- if it has worked for a bit but ultimately, set us up for a greater fall.

Personally, while I know it isn't good, I'm getting more joy/peace from reassuring myself that I don't intend to push myself like I used to. That I really just intend to tread water as best I can until I no longer need to. I agree with the sentiment of either getting busy living or dying but, it doesn't always work out that way.

It felt good being proactive about getting a CTB method together and I'm still glad I've done that but for me- I feel stuck here until my Dad goes. I think we also put our lives and deaths on hold for the sake of other people.

I hope the way does become clear for you soon though. I suppose I do always have hope that life will turn around for people- that it will give them enough of a reward for the effort they put in. I'm not promortalist. Still, I don't think it always works out sadly. I just hope you get a bit of luck.

 

[doneforlife]

I think both options can be scary because of the fear of the unknown. And the possibility that our situations may become worse.

I suspect many people have actually tried to make their lives better. Maybe tried to socialise more, educate themselves, get a job, change their job, move to a new location, live a healthier lifestyle, get therapy or medication. If we're still on this site, it's reasonable to assume those things haven't entirely worked! So, I think that for one can put us off trying to 'recover'. If it hasn't worked in the past or- if it has worked for a bit but ultimately, set us up for a greater fall.

Personally, while I know it isn't good, I'm getting more joy/peace from reassuring myself that I don't intend to push myself like I used to. That I really just intend to tread water as best I can until I no longer need to. I agree with the sentiment of either getting busy living or dying but, it doesn't always work out that way.

It felt good being proactive about getting a CTB method together and I'm still glad I've done that but for me- I feel stuck here until my Dad goes. I think we also put our lives and deaths on hold for the sake of other people.

I hope the way does become clear for you soon though. I suppose I do always have hope that life will turn around for people- that it will give them enough of a reward for the effort they put in. I'm not promortalist. Still, I don't think it always works out sadly. I just hope you get a bit of luck.

If everyone is given freedom to exit at a time of their choosing, do you think the world will be a more happy place or a more sad place to be in ?

 

[Forever Sleep]

If everyone is given freedom to exit at a time of their choosing, do you think the world will be a more happy place or a more sad place to be in ?

I think eventually it would be a happier place. I think it would take time for society to adjust to the idea of people exiting when they want to but- like everything- if something initially pervasive won't go away, people get to a point where they realise we need to start accepting it- even within some religions. Plus- if we know it's a possibility/option from the start, it may not come as such a massive shock.

We'd also presumably be able to talk about it more freely. It wouldn't be this big taboo.

And with the threat that someone say suffering with depression may actually be able to end their life relatively easy, maybe there will be more support and effort put in to try and help them live. I imagine at the moment, it's the lack of reliable and peaceful methods that is the biggest deterrent for people. If that barrier goes- they really will need to pull out the stops if they want people to stay.

What do you think?

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

I'm sure this is a common thing that has been posted a lot already, but for years I've been stuck in this dead-end mindset where I'm so afraid of "living" but so afraid of dying too. I put living in quotation marks because I don't really have a life. No friends, no money, no future, no hope. I'm a worthless, insignificant failure that has no reason to keep existing.

I'm putting in an order for SN soon but I'm very doubtful about if I'll have the strength to take it. I wish I was dead so badly. But the process of dying is such a horrifying concept to me, and I don't know why. It should be such a relief to feel everything slipping away. But it doesn't seem like that and I really can't figure out why.

I've never been a religious person, but lately, as I go to bed every night, I've been praying to God to please take it all away from me while I sleep. I don't want to wake up. If it could all just go away like that, while I'm at peace and not even aware of it, that would be perfect. Unfortunately though, it doesn't seem like that's gonna happen. So I hope I can make a decision soon, on whether to face my fears by putting in the huge effort and risk into potentially improving my life, or to face my fears and finally end my life. I've always struggled with important decision-making, but I need to do this. I can't keep on existing in this state between life and death forever. I don't know what living or dying feels like, but I can guarantee either is better than this.

I can relate to this so much. I always ask God to either lessen my burden (take away my physical and mental pain so I can live), strengthen my ability to bear the pain, or grant me death so I can have peace. And it feels like I'm stuck between life and death, like I'm too messed up to really live but not bad enough off to die.

And I also can't bring myself to actually die. I feel like I want to die so badly, but when I put something around my neck just to see how it feels, not even applying any pressure, I was instantly filled with fear and dread, like I could never actually do it.

I don't mean to invalidate your feelings, but why do you feel like it's a big risk to try and improve your life? I mean, if you're suicidal already you don't have much to lose, it seems like.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so tired of being trapped suffering in this existence, it's so dreadful and cruel to me how suicide isn't as straightforward as just choosing to never wake again. But anyway I wish you the best, I also just really wish to be gone.

 

[zaxxy1810]

SI is a huge burden that we all carry, which is encoded in the very core of our being, and that's why getting rid of and defeating SI is one of the most difficult tasks, even more difficult is CTB and its execution to the end. SI generates fear and is the main reason for giving up CTB .If we understand SI as the main and only "shackle" with which we are "chained" and tied to life, we still haven't solved much, but maybe it's the first step towards overcoming it.

 

[whydidthishappen]

This is my life daily. I feel the indecisive pain you do. It's a special kind of hell to be trapped in.

I can relate to this so much. I always ask God to either lessen my burden (take away my physical and mental pain so I can live), strengthen my ability to bear the pain, or grant me death so I can have peace. And it feels like I'm stuck between life and death, like I'm too messed up to really live but not bad enough off to die.

And I also can't bring myself to actually die. I feel like I want to die so badly, but when I put something around my neck just to see how it feels, not even applying any pressure, I was instantly filled with fear and dread, like I could never actually do it.

I don't mean to invalidate your feelings, but why do you feel like it's a big risk to try and improve your life? I mean, if you're suicidal already you don't have much to lose, it seems like.

Someone can Into my life 6 months ago and said the exact same thing "if you're ready to die, then you can do whatever you want. You don't have anything to lose. Life can get better."

That was 6 months ago. I tried to process the trauma, I'm in an IOP with people I don't have that much in common with except for the fallibility of being a human. It's not that simple as "you can feel differently"

 

[brokeandbroken]

I'm sure this is a common thing that has been posted a lot already, but for years I've been stuck in this dead-end mindset where I'm so afraid of "living" but so afraid of dying too. I put living in quotation marks because I don't really have a life. No friends, no money, no future, no hope. I'm a worthless, insignificant failure that has no reason to keep existing.

I'm putting in an order for SN soon but I'm very doubtful about if I'll have the strength to take it. I wish I was dead so badly. But the process of dying is such a horrifying concept to me, and I don't know why. It should be such a relief to feel everything slipping away. But it doesn't seem like that and I really can't figure out why.

I've never been a religious person, but lately, as I go to bed every night, I've been praying to God to please take it all away from me while I sleep. I don't want to wake up. If it could all just go away like that, while I'm at peace and not even aware of it, that would be perfect. Unfortunately though, it doesn't seem like that's gonna happen. So I hope I can make a decision soon, on whether to face my fears by putting in the huge effort and risk into potentially improving my life, or to face my fears and finally end my life. I've always struggled with important decision-making, but I need to do this. I can't keep on existing in this state between life and death forever. I don't know what living or dying feels like, but I can guarantee either is better than this.

I feel that. I've posted my story. And my life was stolen from me. And no one has helped me fight to get it back. Future stolen, money hell no broke would be a major improvement, family fuck no, and honestly my hope? Fleeting to gone. Life is just getting to the point where it is just not worth it.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Get busy dying for sure.