Hey all,
I feel like I just want to get some stuff off of my chest about where I am and why I want to end things. I'm in my 40s and had my heart absolutely broken by someone who I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I thought we were inseparable, constantly telling each other how much we loved each other, planning for the future. In hindsight, I clearly became dependent on her being in my life. We were together nearly 20 years in total.
She had an affair with a work colleague over the last year. Telling me all the time about how much she loved me when she was doing that behind my back. When I discovered the affair, I got love-bombed into giving her another chance. It was all a mistake, she loves me so much, etc.
Not even two weeks later, she'd decided that there was no chance for us, conveniently around the same time that her affair partner decided he was leaving his wife. She left to be with him, but kept dangling the hope of getting back together claiming she was paralyzed by indecision. I started looking up ways to ctb and thought that the best way would be by partial suspension. I made a noose out of a neck tie and did a few test runs and came to the point of blacking out before SI kicked in. I left that noose up for 2 weeks as a reminder that I could just end it.
I know I shouldn't, but I spent 2 months with that hope in front me until she decided that we were "done". Hearing that, I made a decision to attempt to fully ctb using that noose. I failed and ended up calling the police/ambulance because my friend was banging on my door as my wife was worried over the tone of my last message. (Yes, I did intend it as a final message but that was my mistake).
I spent the day in the hospital before spending a few minutes with the Mental Health team who discharged me. I told them that I wasn't actively considering suicide because I just wanted to get the hell out of there. But the truth is, I was already planning to give it another go. I got referred to some crisis team, but all they did was ask if I wanted to kill myself and I was pretty sure they'd have me locked up if I admitted I did.
Since then, I've attempted the partial suspension method again, but the necktie snapped and I ended up banging my head. With 2 failed attempts, I've decided that hanging is clearly not the way I'm going out. I'm not scared of dying, but I'm terrified of pain.
Everyone keeps telling me that things will get better in time, but I feel 98% hollowed out by her leaving. I wake up every morning and I'm sad that I didn't just die in the night. I'm on anti-depressants and have been for a few months, but I just want this to end. I've been absolutely broken by the one person who was supposed to love me forever. And she gets to have the time of her life with her new boyfriend. Our wedding anniversary was last Friday and I feel more dead inside than ever.
I'm in the process of getting the gear to ctb using nitrogen. I've constructed my bags and got the regulator/flow meter and I'm hoping to be able to get a cylinder in the next couple of days. My friends keep trying to do their best for me, but it's the usual platitudes about how it'll get better. I just don't see it. They have no idea that I won't be going to the cinema next week with them. I feel bad for that, but I just don't want to feel this pain anymore.
Anyway, thanks for listening to me, I just wanted to get it out there.
I feel like I just want to get some stuff off of my chest about where I am and why I want to end things. I'm in my 40s and had my heart absolutely broken by someone who I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I thought we were inseparable, constantly telling each other how much we loved each other, planning for the future. In hindsight, I clearly became dependent on her being in my life. We were together nearly 20 years in total.
She had an affair with a work colleague over the last year. Telling me all the time about how much she loved me when she was doing that behind my back. When I discovered the affair, I got love-bombed into giving her another chance. It was all a mistake, she loves me so much, etc.
Not even two weeks later, she'd decided that there was no chance for us, conveniently around the same time that her affair partner decided he was leaving his wife. She left to be with him, but kept dangling the hope of getting back together claiming she was paralyzed by indecision. I started looking up ways to ctb and thought that the best way would be by partial suspension. I made a noose out of a neck tie and did a few test runs and came to the point of blacking out before SI kicked in. I left that noose up for 2 weeks as a reminder that I could just end it.
I know I shouldn't, but I spent 2 months with that hope in front me until she decided that we were "done". Hearing that, I made a decision to attempt to fully ctb using that noose. I failed and ended up calling the police/ambulance because my friend was banging on my door as my wife was worried over the tone of my last message. (Yes, I did intend it as a final message but that was my mistake).
I spent the day in the hospital before spending a few minutes with the Mental Health team who discharged me. I told them that I wasn't actively considering suicide because I just wanted to get the hell out of there. But the truth is, I was already planning to give it another go. I got referred to some crisis team, but all they did was ask if I wanted to kill myself and I was pretty sure they'd have me locked up if I admitted I did.
Since then, I've attempted the partial suspension method again, but the necktie snapped and I ended up banging my head. With 2 failed attempts, I've decided that hanging is clearly not the way I'm going out. I'm not scared of dying, but I'm terrified of pain.
Everyone keeps telling me that things will get better in time, but I feel 98% hollowed out by her leaving. I wake up every morning and I'm sad that I didn't just die in the night. I'm on anti-depressants and have been for a few months, but I just want this to end. I've been absolutely broken by the one person who was supposed to love me forever. And she gets to have the time of her life with her new boyfriend. Our wedding anniversary was last Friday and I feel more dead inside than ever.
I'm in the process of getting the gear to ctb using nitrogen. I've constructed my bags and got the regulator/flow meter and I'm hoping to be able to get a cylinder in the next couple of days. My friends keep trying to do their best for me, but it's the usual platitudes about how it'll get better. I just don't see it. They have no idea that I won't be going to the cinema next week with them. I feel bad for that, but I just don't want to feel this pain anymore.
Anyway, thanks for listening to me, I just wanted to get it out there.
