Story General thread of why I hate existing.

[dontwakemeup]

Nobody hears me, nobody understands me, I'm so alone. I'm lived long enough. I've endured way too much trauma and pain. All I wish for is to close my eyes forever.

I had a 5150 last year and what i want people that had in part in that to know is, you guys didn't save me, you only silenced me forever. Everyday, I have to make a decision, do I want to continue on or try another attempt again. These thoughts will never go away. Today I've chosen to disconnect from society and sleep the whole day, it's all to much and my brain needs a break.

I tried opening up to friends and family, and the 5150 happened. I hope before I die I'm able to forgive everyone that took any parts in that but for now, I can't. I won't. I've tried. I walked away from all of them.

My memory is failing me. I tell everyone but I don't think people understand the severity of it. I can't remember the simplest things, I've become a danger to myself. I forget how to spell words, at times I'm unable to complete sentences. I don't care anymore, maybe it's for the best.

Everyday I take 16 pills. 16 is the number the Dr has decided that will make me "normal." The Dr fails to understand this trauma and pain will never go away. There is no pill strong enough to make me happy. I cry everytime I go visit him,but it's ok because i feel so safe when im there. He always says the right things to cheer me up. So, ive taken my pills already so let me hurry up before I drift away.

Today it snowed. It's beautiful outside. I think that's what triggered my breakdown today. I imagined mothers making snowman with their kids or snow angels and playing in the snow. All I have is fantasies because the reality is I'm adopted and my biological mother died years ago. I never remember her ever hugging me. I don't think she ever said she loved me. And that is what hurts, I'll never see her again. I don't care anymore if she was a crappy . I'd give the world just to see her one more time. I would hug her so tight and tell her I love her and I forgive her. It's hard to accept the things you will never have. No child should ever have to grow up without a mother. I'm so lost. I'm so empty. I cry most everyday. All I have is a couple of memories of her, so I hold onto them, I pray as my memory continues to fail that I can keep those memories out of everything.

Everyone thinks they have time. People hold onto stupid grudges, waste so much time being mad at others for the smallest things. I let my anger for you consume me. All I wanted was you to say I'm sorry. You never did. It's ok now, because now I understand how you must have felt alone and empty like me.

Yesterday was hard, I cried a lot. I'm adopted so it's basically me. Well I'll be honest, I have 4 brothers and 2 kids but everyone is older. But I has to walk away because they all hurt me in some capacity.

What I find the hardest is accepting the things I never will have. I have no identity. I'm sure I have cousins, aunts, uncles, etc, by being adopted I'll never know them. I would love to happy people who look like me, we share the same features. See there Wil never be or ever was a family function. I will never feel how it feels to have a Thanksgiving, Christmas, and eat dinner with my family because I have none, so I cry on those days, but then I cry a lot anyway.

It's getting pretty bad again because I can't call my old friends because they had me get a 5150. They were my support. I would cry so much to them but I never just releasing my emotions helped.

What I don't understand is why did they not let me die? I was so close and had a great plans. They are selfish for stopping me from my right to die. I never wanted to make suicide taboo and felt by sharing my life, others would understand why I couldn't continue on. So why stop me? Who could watch someone be so lonely, suffer so much then call the police to stop me. All so I van stay here to continue in this hell. I should have never told them.

The cycle repeats. The days I don't work, I take sleeping pills all day. It's almost unbearable to be woke. When I'm off work I don't shower, barely eat and I'm only woke long enough to take another sleeping pills as I hope it's effect will be fast. If I'm off 3 days in a row and have to get up, I'm do weak by then. I always feel like I'll faint, it scares me that I'll fall and I'll die alone and suffer for days. I'm not scared to die at all, but I just don't want to die by myself.

As I feel the effects of my sleeping pills kicking in, I'm almost relieved that I'll be our for a few hours. My mouth is so dry because of my medication. I about ready to fall asleep, I hope I can have a beautiful dream. I'm only happy in my dreams but I don't dream often. We'll off I go for now.

I plan to continue this thread. I picked up a 2nd job in hopes that I'll be too busy to keep thinking about my past. The money will be nice but I'm not doing it for money, I have to stay busy. Money just allows you to buy things, but you can never buy happiness. I have 6 pair of new shoes that I never even wore yet. I have all this stuff, but I don't have love. Good night for now.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

This is so beautifully written and express. Know you are heard, and I'll do my best to support you, even if I am not family. I hope to show the love you missed out on in this life during my last breath, and enjoy the money as it carries onto something. I know I suffer the same when it comes to caring about anything materialistic in this world, but that day we carry ourselves in peace, is worth all the snow and shine we lost to feel like we can care once more. Good night and talk with you later! (:

Hold it once a day , I know it's very hard...

 

[SilentSadness]

Fully understandable, getting involuntarily imprisoned for trying to die should be considered a heinous crime and breeching of basic freedom. I wouldn't talk to someone who did that to me either. I hope you find peace soon.

 

[dontwakemeup]

This is so beautifully written and express. Know you are heard, and I'll do my best to support you, even if I am not family. I hope to show the love you missed out on in this life during my last breath, and enjoy the money as it carries onto something. I know I suffer the same when it comes to caring about anything materialistic in this world, but that day we carry ourselves in peace, is worth all the snow and shine we lost to feel like we can care once more. Good night and talk with you later! (:

Hold it once a day , I know it's very hard...

What you wrote was so beautiful and I can't thank you enough. I'm so thankful this site exist because we have a safe place we can be ourselves. Unfortunately, there is a lot of hurt people inside here just trying to make the best of the life they are dealing with. It's easy to let go (suicide) but those pro-lifers need to understand is its harder to keep getting up knowing that each day will be the same as yesterday. To know we will be in such mental and or physical pain but we do it. And what do we get in return? Absolutely nothing. Thanks again, sending virtual hugs
As my eyes open slowly from my sleep and that awful awareness of I'm alive again becomes a reality. I just lay in bed for a few minutes and cry. How many times must this cycle repeat? Have I not suffered long enough? I lay in bed knowing I only have 3 options, the power is mines to make. 1. Do I immediately risk it all and attempt again? 2. Do I hurry up and take those 16 pills again just to fall asleep so my mind doesn't have to think of anything? 3. Try to watch a scary movie and wait on taking my sleeping pills again? I have to be very cautious of what movie I pick because I avoid anything family or love related, it's a trigger for me. I wonder does it make me a sick person because my favorite categories are murder cases, missing people, sci-fi, or documentaries? I have a new bottle of alcohol that I purchased maybe I'll indulge in that. I never was one who loved alcohol because it's so nasty. I was at work a few days ago and everyone was discussing their favorite alcoholic beverages so I figured why don't I drink? I tried it and it was a little difficult to get down because of the taste but it made me feel warm and cozy inside and definitelyworth it.Nothing mattered anymore, and I realized, I just found my new best friend. I had so much fun and I couldn't believe how cheap it was. I played my favorite music and I must have danced all night giggling like some high school student. It's ironic the bottle of alcohol I purchased was cheaper than my prescribed anxiety pills, and I had a better time with my alcohol.

I decided, im going to stay woke and watch a movie with my new best friend. She makes me sleepy, so I won't hold on to her for too long. I'll set my alarm clock for 9pm and I'll take my 16 pills then. But if at anytime any of those bad memories start coming back the deal is off and I'll take them then.

For now, I'll try to be normal...again

Nobody hears me, nobody understands me, I'm so alone. I'm lived long enough. I've endured way too much trauma and pain. All I wish for is to close my eyes forever.

I had a 5150 last year and what i want people that had in part in that to know is, you guys didn't save me, you only silenced me forever. Everyday, I have to make a decision, do I want to continue on or try another attempt again. These thoughts will never go away. Today I've chosen to disconnect from society and sleep the whole day, it's all to much and my brain needs a break.

I tried opening up to friends and family, and the 5150 happened. I hope before I die I'm able to forgive everyone that took any parts in that but for now, I can't. I won't. I've tried. I walked away from all of them.

My memory is failing me. I tell everyone but I don't think people understand the severity of it. I can't remember the simplest things, I've become a danger to myself. I forget how to spell words, at times I'm unable to complete sentences. I don't care anymore, maybe it's for the best.

Everyday I take 16 pills. 16 is the number the Dr has decided that will make me "normal." The Dr fails to understand this trauma and pain will never go away. There is no pill strong enough to make me happy. I cry everytime I go visit him,but it's ok because i feel so safe when im there. He always says the right things to cheer me up. So, ive taken my pills already so let me hurry up before I drift away.

Today it snowed. It's beautiful outside. I think that's what triggered my breakdown today. I imagined mothers making snowman with their kids or snow angels and playing in the snow. All I have is fantasies because the reality is I'm adopted and my biological mother died years ago. I never remember her ever hugging me. I don't think she ever said she loved me. And that is what hurts, I'll never see her again. I don't care anymore if she was a crappy . I'd give the world just to see her one more time. I would hug her so tight and tell her I love her and I forgive her. It's hard to accept the things you will never have. No child should ever have to grow up without a mother. I'm so lost. I'm so empty. I cry most everyday. All I have is a couple of memories of her, so I hold onto them, I pray as my memory continues to fail that I can keep those memories out of everything.

Everyone thinks they have time. People hold onto stupid grudges, waste so much time being mad at others for the smallest things. I let my anger for you consume me. All I wanted was you to say I'm sorry. You never did. It's ok now, because now I understand how you must have felt alone and empty like me.

Yesterday was hard, I cried a lot. I'm adopted so it's basically me. Well I'll be honest, I have 4 brothers and 2 kids but everyone is older. But I has to walk away because they all hurt me in some capacity.

What I find the hardest is accepting the things I never will have. I have no identity. I'm sure I have cousins, aunts, uncles, etc, by being adopted I'll never know them. I would love to happy people who look like me, we share the same features. See there Wil never be or ever was a family function. I will never feel how it feels to have a Thanksgiving, Christmas, and eat dinner with my family because I have none, so I cry on those days, but then I cry a lot anyway.

It's getting pretty bad again because I can't call my old friends because they had me get a 5150. They were my support. I would cry so much to them but I never just releasing my emotions helped.

What I don't understand is why did they not let me die? I was so close and had a great plans. They are selfish for stopping me from my right to die. I never wanted to make suicide taboo and felt by sharing my life, others would understand why I couldn't continue on. So why stop me? Who could watch someone be so lonely, suffer so much then call the police to stop me. All so I van stay here to continue in this hell. I should have never told them.

The cycle repeats. The days I don't work, I take sleeping pills all day. It's almost unbearable to be woke. When I'm off work I don't shower, barely eat and I'm only woke long enough to take another sleeping pills as I hope it's effect will be fast. If I'm off 3 days in a row and have to get up, I'm do weak by then. I always feel like I'll faint, it scares me that I'll fall and I'll die alone and suffer for days. I'm not scared to die at all, but I just don't want to die by myself.

As I feel the effects of my sleeping pills kicking in, I'm almost relieved that I'll be our for a few hours. My mouth is so dry because of my medication. I about ready to fall asleep, I hope I can have a beautiful dream. I'm only happy in my dreams but I don't dream often. We'll off I go for now.

I plan to continue this thread. I picked up a 2nd job in hopes that I'll be too busy to keep thinking about my past. The money will be nice but I'm not doing it for money, I have to stay busy. Money just allows you to buy things, but you can never buy happiness. I have 6 pair of new shoes that I never even wore yet. I have all this stuff, but I don't have love. Good night for now.

As my eyes open slowly from my sleep and that awful awareness of I'm alive again becomes a reality. I just lay in bed for a few minutes and cry. How many times must this cycle repeat? Have I not suffered long enough? I lay in bed knowing I only have 3 options, the power is mines to make. 1. Do I immediately risk it all and attempt again? 2. Do I hurry up and take those 16 pills again just to fall asleep so my mind doesn't have to think of anything? 3. Try to watch a scary movie and wait on taking my sleeping pills again? I have to be very cautious of what movie I pick because I avoid anything family or love related, it's a trigger for me. I wonder does it make me a sick person because my favorite categories are murder cases, missing people, sci-fi, or documentaries? I have a new bottle of alcohol that I purchased maybe I'll indulge in that. I never was one who loved alcohol because it's so nasty. I was at work a few days ago and everyone was discussing their favorite alcoholic beverages so I figured why don't I drink? I tried it and it was a little difficult to get down because of the taste but it made me feel warm and cozy inside and definitelyworth it.Nothing mattered anymore, and I realized, I just found my new best friend. I had so much fun and I couldn't believe how cheap it was. I played my favorite music and I must have danced all night giggling like some high school student. It's ironic the bottle of alcohol I purchased was cheaper than my prescribed anxiety pills, and I had a better time with my alcohol.

I decided, im going to stay woke and watch a movie with my new best friend. She makes me sleepy, so I won't hold on to her for too long. I'll set my alarm clock for 9pm and I'll take my 16 pills then. But if at anytime any of those bad memories start coming back the deal is off and I'll take them then.

For now, I'll try to be normal...again

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

What you wrote was so beautiful and I can't thank you enough. I'm so thankful this site exist because we have a safe place we can be ourselves. Unfortunately, there is a lot of hurt people inside here just trying to make the best of the life they are dealing with. It's easy to let go (suicide) but those pro-lifers need to understand is its harder to keep getting up knowing that each day will be the same as yesterday. To know we will be in such mental and or physical pain but we do it. And what do we get in return? Absolutely nothing. Thanks again, sending virtual hugs
As my eyes open slowly from my sleep and that awful awareness of I'm alive again becomes a reality. I just lay in bed for a few minutes and cry. How many times must this cycle repeat? Have I not suffered long enough? I lay in bed knowing I only have 3 options, the power is mines to make. 1. Do I immediately risk it all and attempt again? 2. Do I hurry up and take those 16 pills again just to fall asleep so my mind doesn't have to think of anything? 3. Try to watch a scary movie and wait on taking my sleeping pills again? I have to be very cautious of what movie I pick because I avoid anything family or love related, it's a trigger for me. I wonder does it make me a sick person because my favorite categories are murder cases, missing people, sci-fi, or documentaries? I have a new bottle of alcohol that I purchased maybe I'll indulge in that. I never was one who loved alcohol because it's so nasty. I was at work a few days ago and everyone was discussing their favorite alcoholic beverages so I figured why don't I drink? I tried it and it was a little difficult to get down because of the taste but it made me feel warm and cozy inside and definitelyworth it.Nothing mattered anymore, and I realized, I just found my new best friend. I had so much fun and I couldn't believe how cheap it was. I played my favorite music and I must have danced all night giggling like some high school student. It's ironic the bottle of alcohol I purchased was cheaper than my prescribed anxiety pills, and I had a better time with my alcohol.

I decided, im going to stay woke and watch a movie with my new best friend. She makes me sleepy, so I won't hold on to her for too long. I'll set my alarm clock for 9pm and I'll take my 16 pills then. But if at anytime any of those bad memories start coming back the deal is off and I'll take them then.

For now, I'll try to be normal...again

As my eyes open slowly from my sleep and that awful awareness of I'm alive again becomes a reality. I just lay in bed for a few minutes and cry. How many times must this cycle repeat? Have I not suffered long enough? I lay in bed knowing I only have 3 options, the power is mines to make. 1. Do I immediately risk it all and attempt again? 2. Do I hurry up and take those 16 pills again just to fall asleep so my mind doesn't have to think of anything? 3. Try to watch a scary movie and wait on taking my sleeping pills again? I have to be very cautious of what movie I pick because I avoid anything family or love related, it's a trigger for me. I wonder does it make me a sick person because my favorite categories are murder cases, missing people, sci-fi, or documentaries? I have a new bottle of alcohol that I purchased maybe I'll indulge in that. I never was one who loved alcohol because it's so nasty. I was at work a few days ago and everyone was discussing their favorite alcoholic beverages so I figured why don't I drink? I tried it and it was a little difficult to get down because of the taste but it made me feel warm and cozy inside and definitelyworth it.Nothing mattered anymore, and I realized, I just found my new best friend. I had so much fun and I couldn't believe how cheap it was. I played my favorite music and I must have danced all night giggling like some high school student. It's ironic the bottle of alcohol I purchased was cheaper than my prescribed anxiety pills, and I had a better time with my alcohol.

I decided, im going to stay woke and watch a movie with my new best friend. She makes me sleepy, so I won't hold on to her for too long. I'll set my alarm clock for 9pm and I'll take my 16 pills then. But if at anytime any of those bad memories start coming back the deal is off and I'll take them then.

For now, I'll try to be normal...again

The irony is I woke up after taking a nap, so I can definitely say I understand that feeling too too much, but I'm so glad I could see this message of your fight between sleep and you are very welcome. I definitely feel seen too as a pro lifer especially when Reddit took our ability to have a conversation and this would be the only place to reach others like us who are deeply tired without being censored and can have a normal discussion regarding methods we should use.

I want to attribute your experience to the deadly reality of how people ignore our pain and silence us with a great metal of honor, especially as you have the most warmest pretense and deserved better like any of us and you didn't curse or blame anyone but yourself for the mistakes of others.

That's deeply powerful and hurts as that's what we go through to become hurt.

Please know alcohol will definitely be your friend lol. I recently just turned 21 and made a new friend whose not as suicidal as I and she told me of her family's background while asking if I'm gonna get tipsy and it made me happy to know that it does definitely confirm my suspicions of how it mixes in with meds.

Hehe, take it one by one.

I'm sadly gonna go back to my nap because nature calls to silence us ( and that only happens when you eat well sometimes and I was surprised by my bodies reaction to that feeling as it rarely happens so it was something I couldn't ignore