Hello everyone
I don't really have anything particular thought out well that I want to convey, so sorry if the overall post comes off as talking about nothing.
I think it's only right to introduce myself a little, since it's my first ever post here on SS. I've been lurking on this site since few months ago, found it randomly when I was getting fed up with overall censorship of mature topics such as suicide on the internet, and in a fit of searching I finally found the place. Most of the time in the past I've spent on reddit, but in recent years it became such a hellscape, barren, AI driven slop it's insane, and kinda shows how much internet got sanitized and controlled over the years (dead internet yay!)
So yeah, basically I've been suicidal since I can remember, never actually trying anything or making any plans, but through all the 25 years of my life I've had to endure never ending onslaught of suicidal thoughts, at first very simple -"it would be better if I weren't here"- to more complex ones -"If I ended myself here, in this way, it would affect this and that, would probably make someone think that...."- etc. etc.
Add to that some philosophy and ye, my head was full of thoughts on life, death, existence, purpose and meaning of everything.
Like most people (I assume), I didn't get to have a childhood, at least not a normal one. It was chock full of terror, fear, suffering and neglect. My father was the abuser and my mother was enabler, so they really did complement each other in relationship, good for them I suppose. It didn't do much good, especially since my analytical nature, constantly analyzing everything and trying to understand shit, which you can imagine was also a reason to abuse me, pretty standard in those types of homesteads.
Until one year ago, I didn't have any plans to CTB, or any intentions for that matter, but after ending my 5 year romantic relationship, loosing any remaining drive of ambition I did finally decide to end this charade.
RANT:
Todays world is fucked up, that one can see almost anyone with 2 braincells remaining. People refuse to see reality for what it is, closing themselves in illusory bubbles of comfort and convenience. I'm not saying they didn't do that in the past, because they did, but right now "normal" people are so closed off, they all seem like the mentally ill ones to someone who sees everything for what it is objectively, which is insane and hilarious at the same time.
People put value on things, concepts and situations that don't really have much value outside of perceived one, which isn't inherently bad, meaning is what you make it after all, but most of the time these things, concepts etc. are standing in a way. In a way of happiness, understanding, connection. How many times relationships got ruined because of superficial values put on superficial shit? The most common example is materialistic value, either someone broke something, or somebody offered to give you more so you will like them more, or some shit like that, you get what I'm saying.
Then the overall denial of reality, which is so widespread. Many times all of us would experience this denial, especially when you want to talk with someone about your troubles, about suicide, about life or death, the meaning of our life, suffering, enduring of pain. If you tell someone you want to CTB they will show plethora of reactions, none of them bearing true understanding of what you just said, and all of them bearing the signs of wanting to remain in the comfort zone as much as they can, either ignoring you, joking, getting angry, spewing empty platitudes they already know by heart -"life is worth it!"- -"you have someone to live for!"- and shit like that.
Personally I don't think term "human" applies to most of homo sapiens. We are all animals, and most of our specie isn't exactly that much higher on the spectrum than some bird building a nest, trying to get laid and survive. The most common evidence at least from my perspective is the ever not talked about - SEROTONIN -
Everyone is a junkie, aside from people supposedly ill - depression - because from my experience, people suffering from this disease don't really have any urge to satisfy their daily dose of their body drug arsenal, which kinda leaves one able to think clearly about it all and see through all the bullshit, at least if said person still has any strength left and motivation. People will do EVERYTHING to preserve their natural flow of serotonin. If you were often in social settings, where groups of people mingled with each other you could see it clearly, most people are talking about themselves, even when they are not, just to try and increase their dose of serotonin. If someone said something that hit the ego of somebody else, they would immediately react, either by defending themselves (which is bonkers, because they weren't attacked, YET THEY FELT THAT WAY - Again, flow of serotonin got threatened!) or diminishing other person, or maybe boasting about something that will give them some social edge in the setting.
It's not even only in social settings, people will do everything to preserve their Oh-So-Beloved drug, either by procrastinating, doing shit that releases the drug, which leads to some interesting "personalities" where someone will start arguing just like that, because they've been conditioned as such, by serotonin right?
The same shit goes to talking with people overall, the same reason people will close themselves off on you, when you try to talk about your problems, your CTB plans, or anything that requires thinking, going outside of your comfort zone and pondering on higher concepts, is the same people will start throwing hands because they've been insulted - steady supply of drugs their body produces -. It's really funny how much it isn't talked about, what drives most people, what controls them, it's not surprising why it isn't common knowledge taught in schools, it kinda shows how shallow humans really are, and how easily they can be controlled, and how easily they are controlled.
I think that's enough for todays rant, in summary, humans are animals and most of our specie doesn't really have that much of consciousness to talk about, they live their lives like dreamers float through dreams, blissfully unaware, only reacting.
ON SUICIDE:
As I said earlier, I've decided to CTB. Not because my life is bad, because it kinda isn't, not because I'm sad nor traumatized. I've decided to go through with it because I'm disinterested, a lot. There is nothing that really keeps me here, overall this reality is shitty to me, nothing ever really happens ( :D ) and from my perspective, this is just some basic level shit that serves as some factory of basic consciousnesses (If you want I can tell you more about these concepts, just ask me, if not I'm taking it all to the grave lol) so imagine my level of detachment from this life.
I know that people here are listing cutting as not viable way to CTB, but I've decided to use scalpel, knife and scissors (maybe pincers are better term) to cut my carotid artery and keep it that way so I can bleed out in peace. I know I know, I won't be able to damage my body that way, survival instincts are real etc. But bear with me, I've used enough knives and other sharp cutty-cutters to operate them on quite decent level, I've cut enough flesh to know how it feels, and I've damage my body enough times to actually hope to go through with it when push comes to shove.
I will be left alone for at least few hours at night, so no rescue here and I'm counting on increased efficiency by severing veins too.
I don't know when I will do it precisely, I know it will be pretty soon, I'm just waiting on the golden opportunity.
Yeah, also, why I want to go that way - I really want to have painful death, I want to leave this world same as I entered it - meaning, being fucking cut, the first time by drunk doctor that gave me pretty looking scar on my face since my first seconds in this fucked up reality lol, the second cut will be mine alone. Cheers!
Maybe I will comeback in some time to ramble some more. I wish you all a great day/night!
I don't really have anything particular thought out well that I want to convey, so sorry if the overall post comes off as talking about nothing.
I think it's only right to introduce myself a little, since it's my first ever post here on SS. I've been lurking on this site since few months ago, found it randomly when I was getting fed up with overall censorship of mature topics such as suicide on the internet, and in a fit of searching I finally found the place. Most of the time in the past I've spent on reddit, but in recent years it became such a hellscape, barren, AI driven slop it's insane, and kinda shows how much internet got sanitized and controlled over the years (dead internet yay!)
So yeah, basically I've been suicidal since I can remember, never actually trying anything or making any plans, but through all the 25 years of my life I've had to endure never ending onslaught of suicidal thoughts, at first very simple -"it would be better if I weren't here"- to more complex ones -"If I ended myself here, in this way, it would affect this and that, would probably make someone think that...."- etc. etc.
Add to that some philosophy and ye, my head was full of thoughts on life, death, existence, purpose and meaning of everything.
Like most people (I assume), I didn't get to have a childhood, at least not a normal one. It was chock full of terror, fear, suffering and neglect. My father was the abuser and my mother was enabler, so they really did complement each other in relationship, good for them I suppose. It didn't do much good, especially since my analytical nature, constantly analyzing everything and trying to understand shit, which you can imagine was also a reason to abuse me, pretty standard in those types of homesteads.
Until one year ago, I didn't have any plans to CTB, or any intentions for that matter, but after ending my 5 year romantic relationship, loosing any remaining drive of ambition I did finally decide to end this charade.
RANT:
Todays world is fucked up, that one can see almost anyone with 2 braincells remaining. People refuse to see reality for what it is, closing themselves in illusory bubbles of comfort and convenience. I'm not saying they didn't do that in the past, because they did, but right now "normal" people are so closed off, they all seem like the mentally ill ones to someone who sees everything for what it is objectively, which is insane and hilarious at the same time.
People put value on things, concepts and situations that don't really have much value outside of perceived one, which isn't inherently bad, meaning is what you make it after all, but most of the time these things, concepts etc. are standing in a way. In a way of happiness, understanding, connection. How many times relationships got ruined because of superficial values put on superficial shit? The most common example is materialistic value, either someone broke something, or somebody offered to give you more so you will like them more, or some shit like that, you get what I'm saying.
Then the overall denial of reality, which is so widespread. Many times all of us would experience this denial, especially when you want to talk with someone about your troubles, about suicide, about life or death, the meaning of our life, suffering, enduring of pain. If you tell someone you want to CTB they will show plethora of reactions, none of them bearing true understanding of what you just said, and all of them bearing the signs of wanting to remain in the comfort zone as much as they can, either ignoring you, joking, getting angry, spewing empty platitudes they already know by heart -"life is worth it!"- -"you have someone to live for!"- and shit like that.
Personally I don't think term "human" applies to most of homo sapiens. We are all animals, and most of our specie isn't exactly that much higher on the spectrum than some bird building a nest, trying to get laid and survive. The most common evidence at least from my perspective is the ever not talked about - SEROTONIN -
Everyone is a junkie, aside from people supposedly ill - depression - because from my experience, people suffering from this disease don't really have any urge to satisfy their daily dose of their body drug arsenal, which kinda leaves one able to think clearly about it all and see through all the bullshit, at least if said person still has any strength left and motivation. People will do EVERYTHING to preserve their natural flow of serotonin. If you were often in social settings, where groups of people mingled with each other you could see it clearly, most people are talking about themselves, even when they are not, just to try and increase their dose of serotonin. If someone said something that hit the ego of somebody else, they would immediately react, either by defending themselves (which is bonkers, because they weren't attacked, YET THEY FELT THAT WAY - Again, flow of serotonin got threatened!) or diminishing other person, or maybe boasting about something that will give them some social edge in the setting.
It's not even only in social settings, people will do everything to preserve their Oh-So-Beloved drug, either by procrastinating, doing shit that releases the drug, which leads to some interesting "personalities" where someone will start arguing just like that, because they've been conditioned as such, by serotonin right?
The same shit goes to talking with people overall, the same reason people will close themselves off on you, when you try to talk about your problems, your CTB plans, or anything that requires thinking, going outside of your comfort zone and pondering on higher concepts, is the same people will start throwing hands because they've been insulted - steady supply of drugs their body produces -. It's really funny how much it isn't talked about, what drives most people, what controls them, it's not surprising why it isn't common knowledge taught in schools, it kinda shows how shallow humans really are, and how easily they can be controlled, and how easily they are controlled.
I think that's enough for todays rant, in summary, humans are animals and most of our specie doesn't really have that much of consciousness to talk about, they live their lives like dreamers float through dreams, blissfully unaware, only reacting.
ON SUICIDE:
As I said earlier, I've decided to CTB. Not because my life is bad, because it kinda isn't, not because I'm sad nor traumatized. I've decided to go through with it because I'm disinterested, a lot. There is nothing that really keeps me here, overall this reality is shitty to me, nothing ever really happens ( :D ) and from my perspective, this is just some basic level shit that serves as some factory of basic consciousnesses (If you want I can tell you more about these concepts, just ask me, if not I'm taking it all to the grave lol) so imagine my level of detachment from this life.
I know that people here are listing cutting as not viable way to CTB, but I've decided to use scalpel, knife and scissors (maybe pincers are better term) to cut my carotid artery and keep it that way so I can bleed out in peace. I know I know, I won't be able to damage my body that way, survival instincts are real etc. But bear with me, I've used enough knives and other sharp cutty-cutters to operate them on quite decent level, I've cut enough flesh to know how it feels, and I've damage my body enough times to actually hope to go through with it when push comes to shove.
I will be left alone for at least few hours at night, so no rescue here and I'm counting on increased efficiency by severing veins too.
I don't know when I will do it precisely, I know it will be pretty soon, I'm just waiting on the golden opportunity.
Yeah, also, why I want to go that way - I really want to have painful death, I want to leave this world same as I entered it - meaning, being fucking cut, the first time by drunk doctor that gave me pretty looking scar on my face since my first seconds in this fucked up reality lol, the second cut will be mine alone. Cheers!
Maybe I will comeback in some time to ramble some more. I wish you all a great day/night!
