Story Gaining the strength

[Bumblebee]

So hello im new here! Ive been lurking for a few weeks and decided now was my time to sign up and get to talk to some like minded people.

Just now on my phone it gave me a notification that 4 years ago i took a tattoo gun to my mothers house and told her to do what she likes on my leg... so 2 hours later i have the most badly drawn snapchat ghost on my leg.. haha well in the same month 4 years ago she finally succeded ctb with co. One could say she planned to haunt my leg right??

Well i guess this time of year every year i start to struggle more because of her death. Dont get me wrong it wasnt shocking to find her dead by suicide she had been trying since i was born i was more than ready to expect it. Im jealous because i have been trying since i was 14 i am now 24. I attempt at least once a year but failing hard apparently!

Now i have found this place my mind set is gaining the strength to go through with it properly the next time i attempt.

I think i fail because i am scared, i am scared of death for 1 because there is always the what if there is an afterlife and i dont want to see past ghosties tbh! Secondly is because i cant stand being cold and the thought of my body going cold scares the hell out of me im trying to persuade myself that i wont even know im cold because i no longer exist, i also dont want anyone to touch my body i dont want to be touched in life or death these feel like really silly things stopping me but this forum is bringing me slowly to accepting death and the lack of knowing once im dead is fine.

If anyone reads this and feels the same let me know i cant be the only one scared of going cold

 

[Sweet emotion]

I don't feel the same way at all but I wanted to write you. I want you to know that you don't have to worry about being cold. You're not going to feel it. You're just not. Plus you could be cremated. The reason I'm scared is because I'm worried is because I'm scared it's not going to work. I'm pretty sure I have enough meds to kill an elephant but still it's always scary. And I have to plan my death three days in advance so who wants to watch the clock tick down for three days right? But seriously dont worry about being cold. I know it's a real fear to you but it's not going to happen.

 

[CaptainT]

Hello @Bumblebee, I'm glad you're on here sharing your thoughts and feelings.

I think of it like this - can you remember what it was like before you were born? All those millions of years you didn't exist yet? So it will be the same after we die. Nothing to fear. Consciousness gone. No cold. You've got nothing to worry about. Everything that lives must die as Shakespeare said. If you decide to go sooner then you don't need to worry. Whatever your decision, we're here to listen to you.

 

[noctiva]

@Bumblebee I can somewhat relate. I live in a very cold country, we had our first snow 2 days ago. I am always cold and freezing. I cannot relate to the fear of growing cold after you die, but for some reason I hate the idea of being put in the cold, wet, frozen ground. I know it doesn't matter, and I can deal with that fear. I don't even know what will happen to my body after I die. I have no wishes for it except that the person I love most in this life should decide what is best for him to move forwards. Maybe he won't put me in the ground, maybe he will cremate me and throw me in the sea. I have no idea and I do not care.
But when I am physically cold, as I am more than 8 months of the year, the idea of being lowered into the cold ground is not a pleasant one.

My realistic fears however are fears of pain while dying and of SI kicking in. Those I am trying to work on.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Hello @Bumblebee, I'm glad you're on here sharing your thoughts and feelings.

I think of it like this - can you remember what it was like before you were born? All those millions of years you didn't exist yet? So it will be the same after we die. Nothing to fear. Consciousness gone. No cold. You've got nothing to worry about. Everything that lives must die as Shakespeare said. If you decide to go sooner then you don't need to worry. Whatever your decision, we're here to listen to you.

That's how I fear death is going to be. Just like before we were born. We had no ability to know what was going on. I don't want it to be like that. What is the point of living then? I just don't understand it. If you're in serious physical pain it depressed you should be able to go on and understand what peace feels like. But who knows.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

That's how I fear death is going to be. Just like before we were born. We had no ability to know what was going on. I don't want it to be like that. What is the point of living then? I just don't understand it. If you're in serious physical pain it depressed you should be able to go on and understand what peace feels like. But who knows.

If anyone truly knew what happened after death they would probably be the richest person alive. It's fun to speculate but most of it is pseudo science. The only truth there is in death is that it's inevitable.

OP I'm really sorry about your mother. When I lost my mother about 11 years ago it took a heavy toll on me. Life and death can both be scary in their own right, take the time to settle on the parts that worry you most. But one day we must all face these things whether by our hands or nature.

 

[GreyMonkey]

I'm mostly worried about what next...

 

[MaybeMaybeKnot]

While I'm not sure what specifically you are concerned about as far as being touched after your death, I wanted to try to put your mind at ease. Other than perhaps the person that finds you, every single person who touches you thereafter is going to be a paid, professional, dead body toucher. They will punch in at the beginning of their shift, handle dead bodies all day, punch out, and not think about it again. There's nothing about you that they don't see day in and day out. We're all just cogs in the machine.

 

[n0505]

I am also afraid of death, I am worried about what happened after death. But at the same time, I am also worried that nothing will happen after death. ;3

 

[d.i.d]

@Bumblebee I am sorry about the loss of mother. Your thoughts are strange but also enchahnting to me. Not only i do not care at all about getting cold and touched i could not even get those ideas. I like the diversity within mankind. Thank you for sharing.

As CO attemp survivor i can confirm once a consciousness is lost it is similar to a deep sleep, there is nothing, a blackness, no sensation of cold or anything else.
I do not know if there is afterlife, own experiences are conflictful partly, but if not the eternal peace from death is good enough, a way better than likely future.

 

[Bumblebee]

Thank you everyone i think i do just need other humans telling me i wont feel a thing, makes it more real feeling. Ive never spoken to a soul in my life about it so its just a fear that has kept growing inside my head and only myself to tell me otherwise which im obviously not helping myself haha @Sweet emotion i agree with your fear of not knowing its painful to want to go but not being able too because its too unknown. Curious minds is a curse.

@d.i.d thank you for your own experiance i have tried co but the most near death i have been was an overdose on valium and that was really peaceful until i woke up 3 days later in hospital *sigh* why is the most peaceful the most unachievable
Id also like to think there is not an afterlife but its always a question that stays there eating away at me.

@MaybeMaybeKnot i literally just dont want be touched by anyone haha im not a freak that wont be touched by people in life now although yeah it makes me uncomfortable hahaha but i think its the thought of having no say over my body like ive lived with my body its mine and dont want to be out of control like that haha such predicaments my brain forces upon me!

@noctiva im sorry you live in a cold place for so long! Winter is my enemy all i do is shiver uncontrollably and its uncomfortable! Si was never an issue for me when i was younger but i guess it grows with the adult brain completely sucks i think if i had pills i could do it easily but since my mum died i dont have access to lethal pills unfortunately :(

 

[noctiva]

@Bumblebee I think most people that sign up here come to discuss their irrational fears of death and to receive some peace of mind through conversation and reassurances. It is only natural, making peace with death is hard.
For me it was so, that I lurked here for a month, I read all threads (and I mean ALL) on my method and nothing else. I was fully informed, knew what to do and what I needed to succeed. I was at peace with my mind, ordered everything and waited for my packages. During that time I made the error to start to read other threads, and then suddenly irrational fears started to pop up, fears I never had even thought about until I looked at the threads, like 'Is SN secretly excruciatingly painful?' 'Do you consciously feel yourself dying while dying unconsciously?' 'What if there is an afterlife which is even worse than the life you're leaving behind?' 'Can I take SN, inject myself with N, throw myself off a cliff and landing on a railway track just to be sure?' 'Is SI your secret friend telling you it isn't your time yet?' etc. I think the trick here is to be aware off your fears and yourself be able to put them into the 'rational' and 'irrational' category. I'm slowly trying to come to grips with the fears that have popped up because I read others irrational fears. Death is, in principle, simple. I think we're making it harder on ourselves though these fears, because SI truly does want to try and keep us alive, and it teams up with hope. It might sound like a dumb platitude, but you'll know when you're ready. I personally believe, that suicide should be a head decision, logical, informed, and not a irrational, emotional and impulsive. But that is just my own philosophy, you need to develop and trust your own.

I wish you all the best for your journey, wherever it takes you. Try to be kind to yourself along the way. <3