BornofDust
Student
- Dec 11, 2020
- 132
I've already sort of discussed this in the Chat a little bit but ill extend it a little bit here. This topic is probably nothing to you considering all that you've dealt with
Last year my grandfather died of COVID-19. May he rest in piece. So it was already decided that the attendance will be small due to obvious reasons. Then about a week later during the night she impulsively decides that she wanted the funeral to be a bit more " grand
" and "less boring" I argued with her that its not nessecery to do that. Then she randomly forced me to pick up my guitar( that I have not used in years).I said I haven't played it in years so it probably won't be that good. She said you just needed to play a bit of chords " no one will notice as long as it sounds good"
So I picked up the guitar. After a few minutes of messing around I managed to play a nice and short song to play for my grandfather. My mother even called it beautiful. So I continued practicing it for about a week. It made me love playing guitar again( ill get to why I stopped in a minute below ). So the morning of the funeral comes I was still a bit conflicted so I asked her if I should do it , she replied " up to you" So we are their, everyone says their beautiful saying about my grandfather. Then I felt compelled to grab my guitar out of the car. So i did. To play one last beautiful song for my grandfather. So I told the coordinator of the funeral I would be next. Then all of a sudden my mother says she will sing along with my playing ( even though she never practiced) which shocked me.
So we went to the stage. I played my song. My mom messed up. It was embarrassing. I felt it was also disrespectful to my grandfather. So we sat back down after the clapping. My aunt's commented that what I did " took guts " and that " they didn't think I was capable of that " which enraged me even more than i already was. Even though I know they meant well.
During the car ride to the graveyard. My mom stated that she did that to " save me" and that " I'm not that good" and that " the song was aweful. Your song was never that good anyway" and saying that I'm not that good at anything. " Even though she was encouraging me much earlier and saying I was awesome.
The ironic thing is I used to love playing the guitar, until my mother started pressuring me to do it. She was a singer in Haiti before moving to the U.S And she said once she wanted me to " full fill her dreams" for her. So after that I just started playing less and less for some reason. There's something about being " forced" to do it that makes me not want to do it anymore. Don't know why. Then whenever she sees a guitar playing on television, she would say " that could've been you but you don't wanna play" hell when on the radio last year about how Drake was forced to play the piano my mom was like " this kid refuses to let me force him to do things , he always said no " I got upset when she angrily said that ( she knows that i don't like it when she brings up the topic) then she said she was just trying to have a conversation and that I should relax. Because of stuff like this its hard to listen to most music nowadays, especially guitar covers.
I just starting to get into playing guitar again until my mother said " I wasn't that good " even though she's been complaining of me not playing it for years. Hell I made All-County Choir in junior year of high school. Never once said that she was proud of me. Instead criticizing me with the fact that she had to take me far.
Since that funeral I haven't touched my guitar since. I hid it in the closet where I won't even notice it. I hate the fact that I embarrsed my grandfather in death. He didn't need that. Its hard to listen to any music nowadays due to both my constant emptiness and that I constantly hear my mother's voice in my head. So my music choices are limited nowadays.
My mom sometimes encourage me and then turn around and mock me fit doing saud thing she encouraged me to do. I don't get it. Anyways I don't see myself touching a guitar anytime soon.
Last year my grandfather died of COVID-19. May he rest in piece. So it was already decided that the attendance will be small due to obvious reasons. Then about a week later during the night she impulsively decides that she wanted the funeral to be a bit more " grand
" and "less boring" I argued with her that its not nessecery to do that. Then she randomly forced me to pick up my guitar( that I have not used in years).I said I haven't played it in years so it probably won't be that good. She said you just needed to play a bit of chords " no one will notice as long as it sounds good"
So I picked up the guitar. After a few minutes of messing around I managed to play a nice and short song to play for my grandfather. My mother even called it beautiful. So I continued practicing it for about a week. It made me love playing guitar again( ill get to why I stopped in a minute below ). So the morning of the funeral comes I was still a bit conflicted so I asked her if I should do it , she replied " up to you" So we are their, everyone says their beautiful saying about my grandfather. Then I felt compelled to grab my guitar out of the car. So i did. To play one last beautiful song for my grandfather. So I told the coordinator of the funeral I would be next. Then all of a sudden my mother says she will sing along with my playing ( even though she never practiced) which shocked me.
So we went to the stage. I played my song. My mom messed up. It was embarrassing. I felt it was also disrespectful to my grandfather. So we sat back down after the clapping. My aunt's commented that what I did " took guts " and that " they didn't think I was capable of that " which enraged me even more than i already was. Even though I know they meant well.
During the car ride to the graveyard. My mom stated that she did that to " save me" and that " I'm not that good" and that " the song was aweful. Your song was never that good anyway" and saying that I'm not that good at anything. " Even though she was encouraging me much earlier and saying I was awesome.
The ironic thing is I used to love playing the guitar, until my mother started pressuring me to do it. She was a singer in Haiti before moving to the U.S And she said once she wanted me to " full fill her dreams" for her. So after that I just started playing less and less for some reason. There's something about being " forced" to do it that makes me not want to do it anymore. Don't know why. Then whenever she sees a guitar playing on television, she would say " that could've been you but you don't wanna play" hell when on the radio last year about how Drake was forced to play the piano my mom was like " this kid refuses to let me force him to do things , he always said no " I got upset when she angrily said that ( she knows that i don't like it when she brings up the topic) then she said she was just trying to have a conversation and that I should relax. Because of stuff like this its hard to listen to most music nowadays, especially guitar covers.
I just starting to get into playing guitar again until my mother said " I wasn't that good " even though she's been complaining of me not playing it for years. Hell I made All-County Choir in junior year of high school. Never once said that she was proud of me. Instead criticizing me with the fact that she had to take me far.
Since that funeral I haven't touched my guitar since. I hid it in the closet where I won't even notice it. I hate the fact that I embarrsed my grandfather in death. He didn't need that. Its hard to listen to any music nowadays due to both my constant emptiness and that I constantly hear my mother's voice in my head. So my music choices are limited nowadays.
My mom sometimes encourage me and then turn around and mock me fit doing saud thing she encouraged me to do. I don't get it. Anyways I don't see myself touching a guitar anytime soon.
