Venting Fuckkk me & Fuck my body.

[Livingvsdying25]

I hate my body. Nothing works right. Menstruation/ hormones triggering CPTSD.

I had a good day where I should feel both good & proud. I did some great things.

But I also felt like I was dying. Chest pain. Feelin like im fading but that's just the norm with POTS.

PMS triggers POTS flare-ups too

Was eating and had to stop hamf way through bc the intrusive thoughts were too much. Started feeling nauseous


CPTSD is such a joke bc even when ur able to do the good things it rarely ever feels good. Takes a long time for it to happen. I was there once. Im not anymore. Im back to
Living being painful.


During these times people & interactions are triggering but being alone/isolated isn't helpful either.

Relaxing is hard but rest is best but also triggering.

Honestly I'm not sure if this birth control is actually helping. I changed it a bit late but... :/ the other one was working enough?? But was making my face reallyyy break out and risk of potassium being too high or smthin so given that I intake a lot of electrolytes I'm not sure it's best...

I dunno. This week is fucking hell. I'm not actively suicidal but I am considering it again.

With more health diagnosis to come im gonna be feelin more and such.

If only I could be diagnosed with something terminal.


Im considering microdosing shrooms tbh. Everything has gotten to be a bit too much lately. Im gonna check with my doctor next week to see if any meds interact. I don't think so bc she recommended/suggested it once.


Feeling disconnected like I'm incased in glass and everyone is outside. Like I'm all alone.

Nothing in regards to natural functions/needs works right with my body. Eating, Sleeping. Breathing..Moving. Thinking. Not one fucking thing is right /without problems.

So, Im at my limit but calm. Lethargic. Depressed.
.
Im either gonna isolate and "relax" which will cause thought to eat me alive or I'll continue to stay engaged evern tho everything is triggering & makes me feel worthless


Honestly the CPTSD is killing me. It's killing my ability to cope. It's killing my ability to live. It's just killing me. Even without PMDD with all the health issues I'm drowning in the CPTSD.


Almost kinda glad I don't have SN bc I would calmly take it. I might buy it but... if I'm feeling like this then ik ima take it without regret or stress or worry or care of anyone else.

Even just trying to relax rn and intrusive thoughts about no one truly loving me. Being tired of me. Only liking me when im happy & well which isn't common nowadays. Not actually being sad or anything if I died but glad.

Intrusive thoughts about the fact that this is my life. Unpredictable. Chaotic Health. Pain.

Maybe I should just buy the fucking SN & put an end to this stupid shit.


Its 1am. I doubt I'll sleep much. Nothing new.

 

[Worndown]

This sounds like life out of balance. Are there any single issues that can be worked on that would make your life a little easier?

 

[ExistHarm]

i fucking hate my body, i keep him healthy and satisfied but it was given to me without my consent and i will have to destroy it by my own hand soon

 

[MrDarkness]

Man your life is always chaotic, I'm sorry to hear about not eating, relaxing is hard, I was worried cause I haven't seen your posts, I'm glad to see your still kicking. I really hope life gets better for you

 

[toofargone6969]

I'm so sorry. I really feel this. Hormonal issues are ruining my life so I really relate. It's so hard to get a handle on. I feel betrayed by my body also.

I'm considering starting BC to help my skin and maybe my mood, and weight (I lost way too much and look sick) but I'm terrified of new meds and of making my acne worse.
I also have serious sleep issues. I'm always here if you ever want to talk or vent.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I hate my body. Nothing works right. Menstruation/ hormones triggering CPTSD.

I had a good day where I should feel both good & proud. I did some great things.

But I also felt like I was dying. Chest pain. Feelin like im fading but that's just the norm with POTS.

PMS triggers POTS flare-ups too

Was eating and had to stop hamf way through bc the intrusive thoughts were too much. Started feeling nauseous


CPTSD is such a joke bc even when ur able to do the good things it rarely ever feels good. Takes a long time for it to happen. I was there once. Im not anymore. Im back to
Living being painful.


During these times people & interactions are triggering but being alone/isolated isn't helpful either.

Relaxing is hard but rest is best but also triggering.

Honestly I'm not sure if this birth control is actually helping. I changed it a bit late but... :/ the other one was working enough?? But was making my face reallyyy break out and risk of potassium being too high or smthin so given that I intake a lot of electrolytes I'm not sure it's best...

I dunno. This week is fucking hell. I'm not actively suicidal but I am considering it again.

With more health diagnosis to come im gonna be feelin more and such.

If only I could be diagnosed with something terminal.


Im considering microdosing shrooms tbh. Everything has gotten to be a bit too much lately. Im gonna check with my doctor next week to see if any meds interact. I don't think so bc she recommended/suggested it once.


Feeling disconnected like I'm incased in glass and everyone is outside. Like I'm all alone.

Nothing in regards to natural functions/needs works right with my body. Eating, Sleeping. Breathing..Moving. Thinking. Not one fucking thing is right /without problems.

So, Im at my limit but calm. Lethargic. Depressed.
.
Im either gonna isolate and "relax" which will cause thought to eat me alive or I'll continue to stay engaged evern tho everything is triggering & makes me feel worthless


Honestly the CPTSD is killing me. It's killing my ability to cope. It's killing my ability to live. It's just killing me. Even without PMDD with all the health issues I'm drowning in the CPTSD.


Almost kinda glad I don't have SN bc I would calmly take it. I might buy it but... if I'm feeling like this then ik ima take it without regret or stress or worry or care of anyone else.

Even just trying to relax rn and intrusive thoughts about no one truly loving me. Being tired of me. Only liking me when im happy & well which isn't common nowadays. Not actually being sad or anything if I died but glad.

Intrusive thoughts about the fact that this is my life. Unpredictable. Chaotic Health. Pain.

Maybe I should just buy the fucking SN & put an end to this stupid shit.


Its 1am. I doubt I'll sleep much. Nothing new.

Fell asleep for a lil like an hour or so but even as I was falling asleep I like shook awake once or twice.


My head is just full of chaotic intrusive thoughts. If it isn't this then it's that.

This fucking sucks. Using this new sleep app where u can draw and it has stories. It kinda helps but usually at this point I can't really get back to sleep. We shall see. Maybe tonight will be different. I doubt it though. I'm am jus feeling despondent at this point.

I'm kinda heading back in the direction of possibly killing myself. I'm so fucking depressed and this isn't even the PMDD at full volume. Ugh. I as usual don't wanna live like this. As usual im.not living just to ficking suffer but that's all that's happening more than not.

Fell asleep for a lil like an hour or so but even as I was falling asleep I like shook awake once or twice.


My head is just full of chaotic intrusive thoughts. If it isn't this then it's that.

This fucking sucks. Using this new sleep app where u can draw and it has stories. It kinda helps but usually at this point I can't really get back to sleep. We shall see. Maybe tonight will be different. I doubt it though. I'm am jus feeling despondent at this point.

I'm kinda heading back in the direction of possibly killing myself. I'm so fucking depressed and this isn't even the PMDD at full volume. Ugh. I as usual don't wanna live like this. As usual im.not living just to ficking suffer but that's all that's happening more than not.

Further thoughts bc I'm kinda sleepy but not yet.

Checked SN price & was getting ready to buy it but while it's not horribly over priced but a lil much for the second week of the month. Might wait for some extra money to come in next week. Might try to hold off till the end of the month. I am not 100 % sure yet.

The only fucking thing that truly helps relieve my mood during these hardads times is cannabis. Took capsules that are supposed sativa and have CBG & THC in it with some CBD. CBG for some people is energizing but as usual my body is fucked so it's the opposite for me so ice found. It makes me sleepy. It's really relaxing...

I'm still depressed in a more mental thinking kinda way as in depressed about my health issues but I feel a little better mood wise. I'm actually almost out of the THC/CBG ones but I think ima order more. I always forget to use cannabis sometimes bc 1. Too much feels to think and 2..I still feel guilt about using cannabis for mood despite having a medical prescription for the last 5 yrs and my dictor telling me to use it more.

It makes my mood better by giving me enough space between my feelings and making it so I can actually watch, read, whatever. So that I am not so completely consumed. Or triggered or whatever. The difference is extremely noticeable when PMDD is making me feel more raw than usual.

Tbh I still wanna buy SN & I need more money in general and I really don't care as much about my acoustic electric so think ima sell it tmrw or Friday. Shall think about it. 1. I don't have anywhere in my place where the temperature is the same always so I still needa figure out storage and obv don't wanna keep ot around too long given those aspects. 2. If I buy it it's easier to kill myself and ig for rn I'm not really sure yet so I don't wanna make it easy.

Anyway I'm gonna go watch some youtube video or maybe anime. Wind down as much as I can & focus on something funny vs the fucking misery that living in this body is.

Thnx to all who commented/replied too not ok / too many feelings to reply individually but appreciate the compassion & support.