Venting Fucked up for Christmas

[toxicjester]

I felt like I'd been getting better in my life this month and was really excited for Christmas because it's really special to me! I found a roommate that my gf and I could move with into an apartment and I also found a second job, and I felt like maybe I was as sensitive and was making strides with my mental health.

And then things just started going back to the fucking Cycle. And my dad's gf has cancer. And my sibling moves out of state on the 29th.

I had a dream like a week ago that my mom and dad were together again, and that I had a baby sibling, and we were just acting like a family and I was just their kid again in my home. And then the day before yesterday I dreamed that I saw a friend I had a long time ago that stopped talking to me and had blocked me. I realized it was a dream but I hugged her and held her for so long.

Yesterday it was so fucking busy and customers kept getting angry at me and then my gf was texting me and crying because she had to go to the store and it was terrifying for her so I had to see if I could take a break, only for it to just be me trying to convince her that things would be okay and her yelling at me that they wouldn't be. I had a closing shift last night and stayed 2.5 hours past closing to get all this shit done. I didn't get home till a little after 3 in the morning and then just had my gf talk about there's no reason she should stay alive and me not being able to convince her otherwise until I started crying and almost throwing up from anxiety until we went inside and went to be at 5 in the morning even though I had to wake up 3 hours later. Even that I fucked up cause I slept in until 9. Whats so funny is that when I talk about my suicidal thoughts it's "but your life can actually be good and it's just your own neurosis that makes you feel like your life can't get better".

My body is in agony. My gf might actually ctb. My family feels so far away. This is the worst fucking timeline.

I just want my mama for christmas

 

[EvisceratedJester]

From one jester to another, maybe you should break up with her. A lot of your posts seem to revolve around how her issues are negatively impacting your mental health. I understand that you love her, but if being with her is causing her so much distress then maybe it's time to end things. This relationship seems to be pretty toxic and doesn't seem that healthy for either of you.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I just want my mama for Christmas

This. I felt for you so much reading this entire post, but when I got to this last line, I almost cried. This hit very hard because I say the same thing every Christmas since she passed.

I sincerely hope things start to work in your favor OP. You're obviously trying very hard to make the best of a bad situation. You just need to feel safe and stable. We all do and I hope you can find that peace and stability soon. You definitely deserve it.

 

[toxicjester]

From one jester to another, maybe you should break up with her. A lot of your posts seem to revolve around how her issues are negatively impacting your mental health. I understand that you love her, but if being with her is causing her so much distress then maybe it's time to end things. This relationship seems to be pretty toxic and doesn't seem that healthy for either of you.

She is one of the only things keeping me going, I only mention the negative things on here because I only really talk about stuff that makes me feel like dog shit

Maybe I should? Maybe it's selfish to keep her here with me but I've been with her for 6 years at this point and I pay for her transition and her daily living expenses.

Also wouldn't it suck, if after so many people have left me for my own mental health, I turned around and did that very thing to someone who is my entire Sun and Stars?

I dunno, there's convolutions to this as with anything, but I don't have much in my life, and despite everything I love her

This. I felt for you so much reading this entire post, but when I got to this last line, I almost cried. This hit very hard because I say the same thing every Christmas since she passed.

I sincerely hope things start to work in your favor OP. You're obviously trying very hard to make the best of a bad situation. You just need to feel safe and stable. We all do and I hope you can find that peace and stability soon. You definitely deserve it.

Im sorry about your loss and for almost making you cry, and I'm especially sorry because I feel like my thing got misunderstood and that it sounds like my actual mom is gone and that I'm appropriating a thing that isn't mine :(

I've written out a post on my profile about this since it's a thing I say a lot but I'll copy paste it here

"I talk about "my mama" a lot and I feel like I need to clarify:
I very much have a mother(who is very much alive), the person who gave birth to me and raised me n stuff. She's not the worst, there was a moment in time when stuff with her was so bad and home life was so bad that when the chance happened I moved out with minimal stuff. Nowadays our relationship is better than it was.

But when I talk about my "mama" I don't mean my mother. My Mama is a concept, a comforting presence in my brain, someone that I look for in everyone, much to my detriment.

I call out for my mama desperately because she's not really, "real". And it hurts me so much because I want someone who's my mama in the way that I need.

I'm just a harp seal looking for my mama"

Basically my mom who birthed me is still around, but she just doesn't feel like my "mama"

Loss is difficult, especially during the holidays, I wish you the best in yours as you deal with the feelings of grief

 

[Tig]

I just want my mama for christmas

I didn't know what think, laughed a little than tears started rolling.
I think everyone just wants Mama sometimes.
Girlfriend isn't helping your issues any.....
Talk it out or walk it out, I always say.

hugs to for trying so hard.