Am i just that shitty? My wife asks me to change something, i change instantly. i try to atleast. She does not do the same.
She admitted today that I do anything she asks. But she feels bad for not doing the same for me.
I comfort her even when she hurts me. I change, when i feel slighted. I try my best to be the best, most biblical husband. And its not enough. She holds the past over my head for things that I have already changed and I just feel... Shitty. I tell her and she plays victim and cries saying that she is horrible and Im gonna leave.
She read my diary. I was writing about how I feel like Im in love with the man who sexually assaulted me. Those were never supposed to fall on any ears. And she got upset with me. She then said that she felt bad she couldn't understand what lust is and that she just felt hurt by that.
She was hurt.
I reacted calmly and explained how it was a trauma response. I said that I don't enjoy that feeling or thought. I said I wasn't angry at her, and that I forgave her and that it was ok. That going forward she shouldn't read my things. She then went on to talk about how she was hurt that I didn't tell her on the night I was assaulted that I was assaulted.
I understand that people can be hurt by loved ones being hurt. But why is she the victim? Why did I have to apologize for not telling her I was fucking touched the same night it happened? I told her my reasonings, that I didn't think it mattered cause Im... A male, and that I thought she would be angry and think I was cheating but it didn't matter to her.
What am I doing wrong? Im supposed to love everyone and give nothing but love thats my purpose for living right? I was being so happy so positive these last few days, trying to do just that, because I believe thats the purpose God gave me. But everything leads me back to here. I cant fucking do this anymore. I sike myself into thinking things are getting better but then i realize how shitty i am again and that nothing i do will ever be good enough and that no matter what i fucking change ill always be a God- damned fuck up.
Im locked in the fucking bathroom tearing up. I gave up my friends for her. Im glad i have this place to vent to. I think i might decide to ctb before my next birthday-- the anniversary of my assault. It hurts so fucking much but there are more people to love in the meantime. There are more people in desperate need of God's love. And i will allow God to love them through me with what life i can stomach left.
i can't fuckin do this y'all. i can't cut anymore, i dont have friends to vent to, all i have is the purpose God gave me. but i can't fucking do this. i feel like im gonna have a fucking anxiety attack ots too much. but i dont have the time to say rn.
She admitted today that I do anything she asks. But she feels bad for not doing the same for me.
I comfort her even when she hurts me. I change, when i feel slighted. I try my best to be the best, most biblical husband. And its not enough. She holds the past over my head for things that I have already changed and I just feel... Shitty. I tell her and she plays victim and cries saying that she is horrible and Im gonna leave.
She read my diary. I was writing about how I feel like Im in love with the man who sexually assaulted me. Those were never supposed to fall on any ears. And she got upset with me. She then said that she felt bad she couldn't understand what lust is and that she just felt hurt by that.
She was hurt.
I reacted calmly and explained how it was a trauma response. I said that I don't enjoy that feeling or thought. I said I wasn't angry at her, and that I forgave her and that it was ok. That going forward she shouldn't read my things. She then went on to talk about how she was hurt that I didn't tell her on the night I was assaulted that I was assaulted.
I understand that people can be hurt by loved ones being hurt. But why is she the victim? Why did I have to apologize for not telling her I was fucking touched the same night it happened? I told her my reasonings, that I didn't think it mattered cause Im... A male, and that I thought she would be angry and think I was cheating but it didn't matter to her.
What am I doing wrong? Im supposed to love everyone and give nothing but love thats my purpose for living right? I was being so happy so positive these last few days, trying to do just that, because I believe thats the purpose God gave me. But everything leads me back to here. I cant fucking do this anymore. I sike myself into thinking things are getting better but then i realize how shitty i am again and that nothing i do will ever be good enough and that no matter what i fucking change ill always be a God- damned fuck up.
Im locked in the fucking bathroom tearing up. I gave up my friends for her. Im glad i have this place to vent to. I think i might decide to ctb before my next birthday-- the anniversary of my assault. It hurts so fucking much but there are more people to love in the meantime. There are more people in desperate need of God's love. And i will allow God to love them through me with what life i can stomach left.
i can't fuckin do this y'all. i can't cut anymore, i dont have friends to vent to, all i have is the purpose God gave me. but i can't fucking do this. i feel like im gonna have a fucking anxiety attack ots too much. but i dont have the time to say rn.
