Fuck this world, fuck the human race and fuck life in general

[Darkover]

I hate the world. I hate the fact that I exist. People are worthless sacks of shit, nobody fucking cares until you're dead. It's the fucking harsh and sad reality of life. You don't believe me? Just wait and see. The moment I pass all my social medias will be flooded with an influx of people saying "I can't believe he's dead", "I'm so sad", "I wish I talked to him more", while deep down inside these same people never cared for me. They never once spoke to me, they never even once asked me how I was, they never even gave me the fucking time of day. They would just treat me like I don't fucking matter or like I don't fucking exist. The hypocrisy of these people saying shit like "I wish I talked to him more", yeah well too fucking late. And that's the problem no body gives a fuck about you until you're dead, the moment that you are a lifeless carcass completely devoid of any life or any semblance of feeling anymore is when people start to feign this false caring for you. I see people act all high and mighty putting on this false persona with a facade of caring while deep inside they are just numb and cold and unsympathetic.

What is the point of me existing then? I don't really have any friends, I don't have a fulfilling life, I'm 38 in a few weeks and I feel like my existence is fucking pathetic. I am fed up of working my shitty dead end retail job that I somehow can't get out of, I'm lonely 24/7, I don't have anyone I can go and hang out with because everyone is super fucking busy all the time and never makes me a priority in their life. I don't have a girlfriend and I doubt I ever will, I'm a disgusting overweight slob who spends most of his time sleeping, eating, drinking and taking Benadryl. I want to be free of my pain but I'm too much of a fucking chickenshit to kill myself. Instead sleep is the only solace I really get, it's the closest thing I can be to being dead without actually killing myself.

I've got nothing to really live for, as I've gotten older all I've faced is nothing but pain. Years of bullying, rejection, trauma and mental anguish have pushed me to the brink of insanity. I have lost my fucking mind. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm tired of being alone all the time, I'm tired of being forced to face my thoughts alone, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want off of this fucking planet. It's not fair, why am I being forced to suffer so much? I scream and cry for help but no one listens or even gives a shit, they're all too busy living their fucking insignificant little lives. What about me? WHAT ABOUT ME? IS THERE ANYONE ON THIS GODDAMN PLANET WHO EVEN CARES ENOUGH ABOUT ME TO REACH OUT TO ME? WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU YOU SHITHEADS?

 

[Wormfood]

I'm listening Jelly Roll's 'Save me' while reading your post. Reading it hits close to home.

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly understand that it's so dreadful feeling trapped in this existence that just causes so much suffering, I really wish it's much more straightforward for us to cease existing on our own terms, to me it'd be such a relief to have the ability to fall into an dreamless, eternal sleep. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[hikikomorizombie]

i really relate, especially to the last part. i honestly feel like if i had a drug addiction or was addicted to shoplifting or smthg, just anything that actually had tangible/visible neg effects on my life + the ppl around me, ppl would actually bother to help me. maybe it's bc nobody really gives a shit till it starts to personally affect them. idk. i'll never understand us (humans). i consistently try but i'm still baffled every time.

i v much agree w ur sentiments re: the artificiality & fickleness & hypocrisy & general awfulness of ppl. even though ive become apathetic to almost everything now, the amount of it still sickens me. it's rampant. i'd say a v large portion of the population's just no good. but i can't do anything abt that or them, so instead i'll do something abt me!!! :) problem solved for every1. i've decided i can't blame ppl/society, im obv just not meant for this world. otherwise why would every thing in it be catered to & easier for them, & just significantly harder for me & smthg i have to struggle + beg for??

https://doenetwork.org/cases/3832umla.html. here is the link to a suicide note by a John Doe. u might've seen it b4. it deeply resonates w me, always, no matter how many times i reread it (except for the loving parents part, lol). i think it might for u too.

 

[aGoodDayToDie]

I've reached out in many places. Facebook, reddit, you name it. I've had some people offer support but most can't comprehend that for some people, in this cruel world, death is preferable to being alive and continuing suffering. So even though people care and try to help, I only ever get the same suggestions. And after 25 years of seeking help, now I only ever hear answers I've had before that haven't helped. The only thing I've found helped us finding people like me who understand that sometimes simply noone can help you, and that death is the only solution to end your suffering. Unfortunately death is hard. Suicide is very hard. Euthanasia is easier if you can get it, but you still have to deal with the guilt that you'll be hurting people

 

[NoAIarmsNoSurprises]

mla.html. here is the link to a suicide note by a John Doe. u might've seen it b4. it deeply resonates w me, always, no matter how many times i reread it (except for the loving parents part, lol). i think it might for u too.

I know you mean well, but I'm not sure how this would offer any consolation. The fact that this person's last words were to call themselves a joke, a potential threat or burden to be discarded and forgotten and at such a young an age is very depressing/distressing. It doesn't resonate with me personally. It feels more like a note written by society to this poor kid and his family, not the other way around. It makes me wonder if this is how people will perceive me once I'm gone. As nothing more but a self-centered joke, a deformed fetus that had died in the womb. From a young age we're taught to care so much about how others might perceive us, it's no wonder this young man took it to heart and thought it best to take matters into his own hands. If this is real, my condolences to both him and his family, I doubt this note did much to soften the blow.

 

[hikikomorizombie]

The fact that this person's last words were to call themselves a joke, a potential threat or burden to be discarded and forgotten and at such a young an age is very depressing/distressing. It doesn't resonate with me personally. It feels more like a note written by society to this poor kid and his family, not the other way around. It makes me wonder if this is how people will perceive me once I'm gone. As nothing more but a self-centered joke, a deformed fetus that had died in the womb. From a young age we're taught to care so much about how others might perceive us, it's no wonder this young man took it to heart and thought it best to take matters into his own hands. If this is real, my condolences to both him and his family, I doubt this note did much to soften the blow.

i'm sorry you took it that way, but you're tunnel visioning too much onto that phrase. the entirety of the letter is eloquent & he beautifully verbalizes his emotions. calling himself a joke is a downer, but it's his suicide note, & it's not a rare feeling. if u can't personally relate to that/him, i'm happy for u. you're lucky. but i can, which made me feel seen & understood, along w the rest of the letter. & it did/can for others too. so that's how it can provide consolation. knowing some1 else from the 1970s felt exactly the same as u did, they understood, & they kts. esp if you've never seen the way u felt expressed so clearly before, like it was for me.

he did not kill himself bc of others, or @ least not solely bc of them. he killed himself bc he felt like he never developed into a real person & had no desire to become a reformed person limping through life. he states this.

also, he's a John Doe. meaning his identity & family were never discovered. he specifically asks for police to not try & find out who he was in his letter, so i doubt his goal was to soften the blow for his fam. & i'd advise not to worry much abt how others perceive u after death, bc you'll be dead, & that's partly what ctb is to escape from. caring abt ppls perceptions.